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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ow buying my DC Xmas presents

26 replies

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 01:42

STBX left in the summer after months of texting other women. One in particular became like his best friend and he completely shut me out and she became the one he would talk about his day to day with. Classic emotional affair. Of course he went to hers when we eventually broke up. I really feel that his relationship with her was a major factor in our split amongst other issues and she was well aware i was unhappy with their friendship before we separated.
Since he went to stay with her she slipped right into my shoes and made his life incredibly easy, cooking his meals, sorting his finances and work issues out, lending him large amounts of money and letting him say there for free, which he did for several months. basically being a good little wife and asking nothing of him.
This infuriated me at the time as I that felt that she was making it too easy to stay there when he and i needed to sort out this mess we were in.
Now today he tells me that he's been to see her with our 2 young DCs to collect some Xmas presents that she has bought for them.
I'm beyond fuming that she's got the nerve to think that she is of any significance to my children, that they need or even want her tat and even more furious with STBX as he says she asked if she could and he said yes.

I'm mad with him as he knows how I feel about her and the impact his relationship has had on all our lives yet he's not considered at all how I would feel about this.

FWIW we have been getting on fairly well to the point of his spending Xmas day with us as Boxing Day but I'm so bloody mad with him right now.

AIBU to feel this way??

OP posts:

ChristmasSpiritEndorphins · 24/12/2012 01:50

I am not sure. If you are jealous of her relationship with your dh, I can see why it would anger you. I am trying to imagine being in your shoes, I would be hurt by what the dh has done, I would be jealous, and not want my children to like the OW.

I think I'd ask stbx to keep the presents from her at his house.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/12/2012 01:51

I can understand why you feel raging cross BUT

She asked he said yes she could so nowt you can do about it. It's something you are just going to have to get used to, and its a nice thing for her to do for the kids even if its not nice for you.

heyannie · 24/12/2012 01:57

It sounds like your relationship was already dead in the water, your husband just moved on a lot (!) quicker than you did, and this woman is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be nice to your children, which in a parent's partner is definitely not a bad thing.

I understand you are angry with him, but he broke off your relationship, not her. As far as she is concerned, she probably thinks she is being supportive to a friend/lover by cooking, helping with finances etc, being nice to his kids is the next logical step for her. I think YABU.

meditrina · 24/12/2012 02:01

YANBU, as the appearance of the OW in your DCs lives is always hell especially in the early months after a separation.

But there isn't much you can do about it, I'm afraid. If/when an OW morphs into the primary partner, she gains whatever entree into the DC's lives as the STBX gives her and you have no say in this. The best thing you can do is to hang on to your dignity, do not make a fuss (though you can ban any offerings from her from coming under your roof) and stick to the arrangements that you have made (assuming the DCs know about, and may be counting on, them). You'll have to chalk this one up to experience, but remember what has happened when making arrangements for Christmas/birthdays/etc in future.

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 02:10

Thank you for your replies..... I just think she has a cheek. She is still his friend and i recently discovered her intentions towards my husband were that she was hoping something would develop between them. STBX wants to be friends only.
She massively disrespected me and marriage, as did he I know, but it just feels like a kick in the face. Again

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 02:12

And I'm upset with him as he said it was ok, not caring how I would feel about it. I guess I could never treat anyone that way and really struggle to understand how others are so insensitive.

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TenPercenter · 24/12/2012 02:49

So they (your ex and her) are not actually a couple? It really sounds like they are tbh. If they are not a couple and she has bought your kids presents it sounds very odd.

TenPercenter · 24/12/2012 02:52

"STXH wants to be friends only" um no, this is not the case, quite obviously.

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 04:31

Tempercenter.....your post is not helpful and if I state that I know they are friends only then that is what it is.
If they were partners, or that was likely, i would say so from the rooftops and the end of my marriage would at least be for something valid.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 04:33

So yes, hence my OP, it IS very odd that she feels the need to buy them anything as she is actually nobody relevant to them. If she was his DP then that's different

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MammaTJ · 24/12/2012 04:44

He is the one who had a responsbility to your relationship, not her.

I know how much it hurts and how hard it is for you but it will get easier.

If he really doesn't want a relationship with her, just a friendship, then there will probably be other women too. You are going to have to harden yourself to that.

Grit your teeth and prepare for some hurt, but then things will get better. (9 years on from when my ExH left me for OW).

AlwaysWantingMore · 24/12/2012 08:48

I can only imagine how hurt and angry you are and I feel for you. However, putting myself in her shoes, she is just buying presents for the children of her boyfriend/close friend who has been living with her for months. I would probably do the same in her situation. And she did ask first. Maybe if she is a decent human being she feels guilt, shame, sadness etc about what has gone on and this is her trying to very slightly make up for it a little bit?

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear, or is way off the mark, I am just trying to offer another perspective. By all means feel free to ignore it! and I hope Christmas goes as well as it can for you and your kids.

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 08:53

Thank you

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Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 08:55

I know there will be other women am so be it, it's her in particular I feel the the grievance towards to be honest.

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nurseneedshelp · 24/12/2012 08:56

Sorry sounds like they are a proper couple to me!

RedHelenB · 24/12/2012 08:56

I really would be surprised if there were no benefits to being in the same house but if you've had the spycam on them then you can 100% believe there wasn't. Unfortunately things will not get any easier as regards STBX partners ^& as others have said it's inevitable.

VBisme · 24/12/2012 09:04

Sorry but there will be women coming into your children's lives now, which must be difficult, but don't make it more difficult for the kids by letting them know your feelings.
I know you say it's just her, but my friend keeps saying this about every single one of her exes girlfriends.
I hope you have a good Christmas with your kids.

amck5700 · 24/12/2012 09:05

Seems like you are more angry at her than him tbh. he must be a prize if you feel the need to fight over him while he has the best of both worlds. A wife and children who he has been on speaking terms with that he can do the whole happy family thing with and a "friend" who is at the very least an emotional and supportive bolthole for whom he needs make no effort and who panders to his every whim.

Personally, i'd make friends with her and ditch him.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 24/12/2012 10:03

I know you're upset and I totally understand why. But you're so busy being angry with her you're almost making excuses for why he's left you. "She's making it too easy for him" but at the same time that's no reason/excuse for him to leave his wife and DC.

My stepmum (my dads OW) used to always buy me and my sister presents at christmas. The few christmases my mum went MAD. We ended up throwing them in the bin to appease her and then feeling so guilty either one or both of us would end up in tears. It's a horrible feeling anyway but somehow worse at christmas as you're meant to be happy not full of guilt and self loathing. Especially when you're little. I'm not saying you would make your kids feel that way but please dont make a big deal about it. They might be the ones who feel worst afterwards.

usualsuspect3 · 24/12/2012 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 10:17

I'd never make my feelings known to my DCs. I know that's not fair on them.

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JenaiMathis · 24/12/2012 10:27

Sounds like he's being a classic cocklodger tbh. Hopefully (for her sake) someone will give her a virtual slap with a wet fish and she'll boot him out.
I await her thread on the Relationships board.

yanbu to be annoyed, but I seriously doubt she's ever going to play a significant role in your children's lives. Let them enjoy the extra presents if you can, and take heed of Desperately's advice. Or tell her to shove them up her arse

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 24/12/2012 10:30

Already told her what I think... The second message I've sent her in nearly 6 months. I think I've been very restrained.

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BluelightsAndSirens · 24/12/2012 10:32

I really feel for you although never been where you are right now.

What ever has happened your ex is being an insensitive wanker and really putting you right at the bottom of his pile.

He had no need to tell you this women had bought gifts, the presents could have stayed at his place and you would not have to deal with these feelings.

Icahn understand your feelings towards here, you might feel like she has got in the way of you rebuilding the relationship, no one wants a 3rd party sticking their thoughtfulness and being nice to him in there whilst you are trying to sort things out.

And as much as it is nice that she is being nice towards the children I would still want to tell her to fuck off and back away from my family but he is the reason why she thinks this is acceptable, he is allowing this to happen.

You need to try and hold your head high, it's one gift and your children will accept and carry on.

I'm so sorry he is being such a fuck wit, do you have friends and family you can spend Christmas with?

pigletmania · 24/12/2012 10:33

Don't waste anymore effort with him, he has made his choice and that's that. You need to put your anger aside and use te new year as a fresh start for yourself. It's not the ow fault she asked him about resents and he said yes. If it helps if they dontplsywith them throw them in the rubbish, if your dc like tem you have to swallow it down and make a fresh start

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