Christmas!

[natsi3529]

Sorry this could be long winded but I really need some impartial opinions!

Basically we haven't spent christmas with my Fil and mil for at least 10 years (always been with other family etc). This year he said itd be nice if we spent it all together, my OH, them and our 5 children. There was no invitation to their house (we have been there twice in 7 years!) so it was they would come to us. We don't really have a problem with that but as I said we have only been invited to theirs twice so it would've been nice to be asked....

Anyway, I need to give a little background to make my story clear. My OH has a debilitating illness so unfortunately he had to stop working 6 months ago. Since then I have started working part time (4 days) to cover our outgoings but I earn little above minimum wage so as you can imagine, with 5 darling munchkins we are on a very tight shoestring budget a lot of the time!

My FIL comes over roughly once a week and we always feed him etc and don't expect anything as he drives to see us (about an hour), babysits occasionally etc.

Anyway, he asked us a few months ago whether we would prefer him to bring things or put money into x'mas shopping. We took that as him being happy to do either, my OH did the food shop and we expected him to contribute after. He said he was bringing some alcohol but no mention of food/contribution at all so now our bank balances are at minus I though I would ask what he was planning on putting in! Thus erupted into a massive argument and now I am dreading x'mas full stop!!

Does it seem unreasonable I asked? We have NEVER asked for any financial help at all from him even when things have been very hard! IMO if I was going somewhere for Xmas I would at the least offer (ESP if I knew personal situations weren't great etc!). As I said we have been to his twice in 7years for dinner (and yes only took wine!!) but he does come over nearly every week and get fed, watered etc and we never ask for anything.

I feel slightly this has been put on us as in order to have Xmas with him it was assumed we would host without actually asking and now we are going to have to go without over the Xmas period in order to accommodate two people who work full time and other than themselves have no other financial responsibilities.

Honest opinions would be v much appreciated!

He sounds very cheeky and you just have to tell cheeky people. My aunt is like this - knows when she should contribute but is so tight she would rather see you struggle than open her purse. It's bloody rude.

Just ask straight - "Any chance you can bung us a few quid for tie dinner like you offered to a while ago? We are really struggling at the moment and it would be appreciated."

If he doesn't then, he really is a cheeky sort and make sure he doesn't come round again!

I am sorry about your financial difficulties but to be honest I don't understand why you will be having to "go without over the festive period" just because you are having two extra people over on Christmas Day. You would already be doing a roast dinner for seven people, surely stretching it a bit further won't cost that much, if anything.

Also you say that "FIL does come over nearly every week and get fed, watered etc and we never ask for anything" but you already said above that he babysits for you. He drives an hour to see you and the children every week and occasionally babysits for five kids and you really can't make one roast meal stretch a bit further without asking for a financial contribution?

If it was any other time it wouldn't be a problem at all! But it isn't cheap to feed 9 people for Xmas eve and Xmas day all day! If it wa just the dinner it wouldn't be so bad but its 2 days of breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks which adds up. I feel that if I was going there I would offer a contribution and make sure I stuck to it. IMO I just don't see why your father wouldn't want to help out to make it a little easier! Because he offered to contribute initially we assumed that would be the case...now bank balances are zero and we were banking on that little help for Boxing Day.

I think hes being thoughtless. Does he know your financial situation? I think you should calmly explain that you cant afford it and that they are welcome to come but you need a financial contribution. If they were at home they would have to buy food wouldnt they?

It's too late of course, but you should have said exactly what was in your mind when the conversation was going on.

But this says it's partly your fault for having expectations and not making sure he knew where he fitted in them.

I agree with Em, two extra aren't that much, and it's got nothing to do with how much petrol he spends/how much food he eats/who did what and when, stuff like this can't be reduced down to pounds and pence.

He drove over because he wants to spend time with his family.

You gave him food/drink because he's part of your family and you were being a good host.

Whatever the reason is that they've only invited you over in 7 years, he maybe just wanted to feel close to you and your family at Christmas, and didn't think you'd be keeping a tally on how much he's cost you so far this year.

That probably sounds harsh, and I'm hardly one to talk about faamily, but this isn't like asking to borrow some money from a family member, it's being tight with your generosity and letting the person receiving it know.