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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite my friend?

25 replies

downtherabbithole1 · 23/12/2012 23:06

Who constantly says no.

She doesn't have children so it's not that, I just get the impression she would rather be with her boyfriend.

The only times she has said yes is twice when -

Me and oh went a 3 month trip, I asked her to come to the night out before we left, she said yes. Text her the day before to remind her, and all I got back was "is that still on??? I can't make it".

We had a meal too. She said she would come but for drinks. The meal was at 7, she text me at 10:30 to say she was coming ... we were just leaving.

The rest of the time it is constantly no. I am sick of it, it feels like I'm begging her.

And it's not just me, its our whole friendship group for the last year and a half.

I am having friends over to mine next week, and I cannot be bothered to invite someone who will only say no.

aibu? I feel like I am.

OP posts:

wewereherefirst · 23/12/2012 23:07

YANBU. She's not being a good friend, it's time to move on

FlojoHoHoHo · 23/12/2012 23:08

YANBU but if she's going to say no anyway there's nothing lost by inviting her.

katiecubs · 23/12/2012 23:10

No way - just don't bother.

OComeAllYeFaithBaby · 23/12/2012 23:12

How long has she been like this? Since she met the fella? She must have been social at some point?
I had a friend who used to go off the radar whenever she met a fella. I ditched her in the end (only after she wasn't there for me as my Mum was dying of cancer!).

She's not being a friend if she doesn't come to anything! Does she invite you to stuff?

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:24

Why would you?

Why do you think she's always saying no for the last 18 months though?

It's OK for her to just want to spend time with her DP, just like it's OK for you to not invite her.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 23/12/2012 23:30

Have you never extended the invite to her dp also?

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 23/12/2012 23:31

I ditched a friend over similar behaviour! She hooked up with a new bloke and constantly gave me the bum's rush, or if she did agree to meet me he would be in tow every time!

These people are not friends - move on.

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:33

Mmm, good point Gold.

Original poster

downtherabbithole1 · 23/12/2012 23:33

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr partners are invited 90% of the time.

Sometimes not, but just because it's nice sometimes to just be the girls and that way you get to talk to the other 7 people. When theres 16 of you, then you never get the chance to speak to everyone.

She never invites anyone out. Except for her birthday.

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 24/12/2012 00:01

she's not your friend. leave her in peace.

ForbidenFruit · 24/12/2012 00:03

Well aren't you just lovely.

Obviously filled with so much peace and love you little bunny rabbit you.

ripsishere · 24/12/2012 00:06

What a queer post Forbidden.
OP, I'd just let the friendship die a natural death IIWY.

SomethingProfound · 24/12/2012 00:15

Have you tried asking her why she keeps refusing? There could be any number of reasons for her declining.

IMO it all depends if this is a friendship you care enough about to have the awkward conversation and find out if there is a reason for her lack if effort or if she just can't be arsed.

Damash12 · 24/12/2012 00:16

I think the friendship is from a different phase in your life and now time to let it go and not be affected by it. You'd probably only feel resentment anyway if she came ... Don't bother, spend your time and energy on real friends! Merry Christmas!

OnTheBottomWithAStringOfTinsel · 24/12/2012 00:20

We've a "mate" like that - she dumps us when a better offer comes along.

("We" are a group of friends who have known each other - initially through work- for 15 years).

We've decided that this dumping is the last. People who do this don't value you .

YANBU.

ForbidenFruit · 24/12/2012 01:30

ripsishere

My comment was directed at peaceandlovebunny.

ripsishere · 24/12/2012 07:14

take no notice of me, I was a teeny bit hung over.

RedHelenB · 24/12/2012 09:10

Just a thought, could she be suffering from depression. It obviously isn't personal if she's the same with all your friends.

witchface · 24/12/2012 09:22

Is it always the same type of thing she says no to? I only ask as my friend only ever wants to go to the pub and i hate it. She refuses to sit down the whole night and we have to go to the busiest places so there are the most men to speak to (shes not single but likes to flirt) and i get left to speak to some random stranger when i wanted to spend time with her.

I used to suffer it but now i just say no. Would be more than happy to go out for a meal or the cinema or whatever but not the pub! Those things would seem to be a waste of child free time though.

HollaAtMeSanta · 24/12/2012 09:45

It sounds like she's trying to ditch you... so let her go.

pigletmania · 24/12/2012 09:55

Don't invite her.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 24/12/2012 10:04

Could it be a social anxiety issue?

I have a friend like this who suffers from extreme social anxiety and she can only really know at the very last minute whether she is feeling well enough to be able to come out. So if she's invited out with a group of friends she will always say no, but then might occasionally text on the night to find out where we are and she'll come and join us.

peaceandlovebunny · 25/12/2012 13:18

re forbiddenfruit and her comment - i was remarkably concise. and accurate.

Narnia34 · 25/12/2012 13:26

Totally OTT, but it could also be that her DP is not allowing her to go to these events. My ExH pretty much immediately stopped me going out with my friends, at first he would think up things for 'just us' to do, which 'just happened' to fall on the same evening as other plans, but after a while, friends stopped asking me, because I didn't have a choice but to do what controlling b'Stard wanted, or because he had refused on my behalf without reference to me.

Have you asked her, face-face why she keeps refusing you?

PackItInNow · 25/12/2012 14:35

TBH, I've met quite a few people like that and that's why I only rely on myself. I have learnt to be self reliant because I have been let down so many times that I feel that I can't rely on anyone but myself. I don't even rely on my family, 2 closest friends or DH to be there for me.

Believe me, I have also learnt that I need to be extremely resilient when it comes to what life throws at me, so that I can carry on regardless. There's a lot to be said about self reliance.

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