To think DH shouldn't have made this joke when he did?

[jessjessjess]

As a teenager I had a penpal who posed as a 14yo boy and sent me some very graphic letters and drawings. Reported him to police who said they'd investigate and heard nothing more.

Stuff in the news recently about Saville et al made me realise he probably didn't just send letters, he might have done other stuff. Looks like I'll never know, but it's been on my mind for various reasons.

I was talking to a close friend about it while she, DH and I had a cigarette in a pub garden. I was just saying that all the stuff in the news made me think about what kind of person it was. DH (who already knew about it ie wasnt hearing it for the first time)interrupted me to read a joke off his mobile phone. It was about Saville.

Really not the moment for it.

DH is sensitive and kind but struggles with situations like this as he is rubbish at comfort and reassurance.

He says he has led a very sheltered life and this is the worst thing he's heard from anyone he knows (which sadly I found surprising as I have friends who have gone through far worse), that he feels awkward and upset when I talk about it.

Right. So that's why he laughed and told the most inappropriate joke possible, because he was upset?

I have this crazy idea that if someone talks about something upsetting or traumatic that happened to them, you don't react by making them deal with how you feel about it. You put your feelings aside, listen, and deal with your own feelings later. Because they are feeling worse having actually been through it and they shouldn't have to comfort you straightaway as well.

I am dealing with some other childhood stuff right now and I feel like I can't talk to him as he will just think about how he feels. AIBU or has he been a total selfish prat?

How did you find out that the penpal had posed as a 14yo bou?

Yes. He's been an arse.

Don't excuse it with him being 'rubbish at comfort and support'. People can learn. Even if by nature they are rubbish at it, they can learn what is expected - even if they don't understand WHY it is expected!

My children have autism. They struggle with stuff like this. I have taught and continue to reenforce the need to show caring to other people, to know what people expect you to do when they're upset, etc, etc.

They can do it. And they aren't fully functional adult men capable of holding down jobs. They'll never work. They'll never marry. And yet they can and have learned behaviours that your husband - a fully functioning independent male - is making excuses for not learning.

perhaps he just didnt put the two things together in his head.I dont think it is common to come into contact with this sort of thing is it? - at least I know of no one at all who has had to deal with it. I have to be honest I think that you are understandably upset at the situation but that your DH hasnt really done much wrong here other than read a joke at the wrong time.

Well DH isn't kind and sensitive if he finds so call jokes about child abuse funny

True, anya. Anyone who thinks that sort of joke is funny gets filed under T in my mind...

queenrachel he said he was 14, then sent me some very sexually graphic stuff which scared me to the point where I told police.

Who seemed sure it was an adult's handwriting. I remember enough to be sure it was an adult, looking back.

5dcs I know a few people who were sexually abused in childhood and didn't think it was a secret that such things happened - even if you haven't come across it before you can be sensitive, surely.

DH says it was actually a story about Ali G and he hadnt known what we were talking about. Shouldn't have blinking interrupted without finding out then.

If it is of any help in the future....

I used to do presentations about safety to children and the older they got, the more graphic the presentation. Some of them laugh. This seems inappropriate but it isn't really when you understand the this is a coping mechanism. They get feelings they don't know how to process so laugh or make a joke. It's really quite normal. Honest.

Equally I know your dh isn't a child but like you say, he has lived a sheltered life and maybe still doesn't know how to process upsetting or difficult things.

I think it would probably be best if you stopped smoking.

Iactuallydothinkso good point, thank you.

lovelyladuree you're probably right!

Sounds like an emotionally fuckwitted thing to say, which trivialized your experience. He needs to have it spelt put why that was inappropriate and why you feel hurt by it.