AIBU with access?

[CanAnyoneHearMe]

ExFiancé ended our relationship just over 3 weeks ago, I am really struggling, I am devastated and it has been the worst time in my life.

I lost the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with as well as the house that I loved, My car (Was in his name) and my future all in the space of a day. 2 days later I found out I was pregnant.

I am living back with my parents due to the lack of finances as I relied on F as I was a SAHM.

I was suffering from PND, Panic attacks and anxiety and am still undergoing counselling for anxiety.

I love my ExF more than anything and I want him back.

I have really struggled these past weeks, I can't sleep at night and I am exhausted through crying during the day.

I told my ExF that he can see DS whenever he wants, For however long he wants but I can't cope with him taking him away on his own just yet, He can see him in a soft play centre/Activity centre or wherever and I will drop him off give them there time together and pick him up.

ExF has seen him 4 times, equalling a total of 6 hours in three weeks, I text him asking when he wants to see DS and he never replies; He turns up at least 15 minutes late every time he sees him and was 40 minutes late last time with me and DS sitting outside in the rain waiting for him.

I told him that he will be taking DS alone but at the moment I can't cope with the emotional stress of letting the one thing go in my life that gives me something to smile about, It would kill me.

He said he doesn't want to see him Xmas eve, Xmas day, New Year's Eve or New Year's Day as he has got plans. He wants to see him once a week and take him to his house on his own.

He gets the child benefit as it was paid in to his account when we were together and he won't pay me any of it or give me the information I need to change the account over, He doesn't pay any maintenance either.

So AIBU to allow him to see DS whenever he wants for however long he wants but with me in the same building for the time being? I don't stay with them while they are together, Just sit and have a coffee.

I can't handle the stress of letting my DS go just yet and I still have the thought that me and his Dad are going to get back together :(

I'm not saying it won't happen, Just while I come to terms with what has happened and where I am not crying every minute of the day because I want him back.

How old is ds?

You do need to start 'letting go' ...

Contact the csa.... And phone child benefit to see what they say

Sorry it's not clear.... Are you pregnant with no2 now?

Sorry DS as 1 and yes I am pregnant with No2.

Well for a start you need to get the finances sorted out all the csa and ring the benefits office and do what ever you need to do - what he want to do and what he should do are two different things

I have asked him to meet me to talk but he has flat out refused to talk to me...

Ok first of all you have only been broken up a very short time so it will be hard and an awful time for you, healing will on come in time.
Secondly please just take a minute to consider WHY in gods name you want to be with a man that: doesn't pay you any money, is stealing the child benefits which should go to you as your the one your son lives with and your the one providing for him and clearly doesn't give a damn about making time for his wonderful son who he clearly doesn't deserve.
He also doesn't deserve you and you need to speak to the hmrc to claim the money you rightly should have. Did you say he has your car too? Please don't let him do this to you his behaviour is beyond controlling

He is stealing the CB. If your child is not living with him and not benefitting from it that is what he is doing. Get that sorted pronto. Phone them up and see what details you need to give them. Might be easier than you think.

I am afraid you have to let him have his child unsupervised as well, partly because he's his Dad and your child has a right to a relationship with him, unless you have other concerns? Also you are prolonging the inevitable for yourself. For you it's a terrible time.

Sorry you're going through this but Tbh if a man can leave a woman with a small child and a baby on the way then it shows the measure of him, basically he's not worth it.

Although I do think that he will be ok to look after your little one at his own house , and I agree that you should definitely get child benefit and csa sorted .

Don't wait for him to give you the contact details for child benefit etc, you obviously have the Internet so get on google and get all the contact numbers you need to get cb, child tax etc paid into your account. Is he a good dad? Do you have ny concerns about your ds's saftey? If not I think you are going to have to let him have contact alone t his house, although I appreciate this must be hard for you. Sounds like generally you are being a bit to reasonable though (and dare I say it a bit of a doormat). Sort out proper access ASAP, not just letting him see ds whenever he likes as that gives him total control over you. Nothing in your post suggests to me he wants to get back together with you so you need to start gaining back control, mainly by sorting out your finances. Your still grieving for the lost of your relationship, alongside with dealing with a very young child and being pregant with another. I know it must be tough but you need to start standing up for yourself a bit more. I hope you have a lovely christmas with your ds the fact that your ex doesn't even want to see his ds on Christmas day or Christmas eve shows where his prioritys are

two issues - one is financial - got to CSA and also CB and report that he is claiming but no longer has the child

access - this is about YOUR CHILD - hard though it is he has a right to see his father - do not link the two issues together

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this, it sounds awful and I really feel for you. But I do think, you're being unreasonable about your son, I can understand why but it's still not ok for you to use your son to get back at your (admittedly shitty) ex. Based on what you've said there is no reason to withhold contact and your ex would be within his rights to go to court where he would get unsupervised access

You need to get the child benefit sorted out asap, if you are the main carer for your son then it needs to go to you and you will need it to claim tax credits and child support. Don't try and reason with him or expect him to be considerate, it's clear he is acting like a selfish prick and you need to protect yourself

You need to sort out money. Call benefits, google the number. Tell them whats happened.

If you are totally screwed you should get housing benefit, income support and child benefit.

The fact that hes keeping the CB, not giving you maintenance, seen you (and his son!) out on your ear and mucking you around with seeing him, shows you he is a massive, prized prick.

Do not bother asking him about CB again, you need to take the bull by the horns and get the ball rolling yourself.

I suspect this man has done nothing to help your anxiety, quite the opposite. Let this be the making of you and the beginning of healing that anxiety.

It doesn't sound like he gives a toss about ds imo. Any decent man would try to make sure their child is provided for and with somewhere to live at the very least. As it is he's chucked you both out, isn't providing for him financially, and is even taking your sons money! Its disgusting.
I'd write down every bit of communication and visits relating to your son incase he tries to take it further. I doubt he will as it doesn't sound like he even cares about your son, but some men can get very controlling and use the children to hurt the mum and it sounds like he's morally capable of doing that.
I know this will sound ridiculous to you right now, but you are honestly better off without him, if he's capable of hurting you like that then you don't want to waste your life with him, you've had a lucky escape before the children are old enough to properly understand. As for the dc on the way (congrats!) you'll be fine, i know its scary doing it alone but you have your family by the sound of it. I went through pregnancy after getting dumped seperating from my ex so feel free to message me if you want any support or just a chat. You'll honestly do fine.
Stop chasing ex to see ds too and leave it for him to make the effort, you don't need any added stress right now.

Right, he is no cooperating, you need to get on with it yourself.

You need to ring Child benefit first. Other benefits hang on this one.

Tell them the child is living with you.

The reason he has little interest in seeing your son is because he has probably left you for soemone else and is busy with their life together.

Get angry, take control!!

Soo agree with MammaTJ - get angry and take control - hopefully within a short space of time you will be happy that you are not stuck with this looser