So Christmas plans have been made here months in advance to fit around work plans and the plans of both families.
Relevent part is visiting DHs family after Boxing day this year, usually we split Christmases between mine/his family (so each set of GPs gets the kids on the day - our families don't mix...ahem) and this year would be their Boxing day visit - a much missed family member is coming back to the UK and is going to be at my families xmas camp for boxing day this year -I wanted to see him and so did DH; he rang his parents (about September) to chat about this and ask if they minded and what they would prefer to do visiting wise, they were welcome to our house, we could visit another day whatever. PILs said not fussed as SIL would be down for the whole holiday so could just do 'second Christmas' all got arranged remarkably smoothly.
Today MIL phones up and says we must come on Boxing day or not at all, it's their right to see the DCs and this year is their Boxing day visit. My family are monopolising us again and she just wont stand for being treated so badly because I don't like them. After about 10 minutes of arsiness I tried to ask why the change of heart, I never meant it to be malicious it was purely circumstance that we could see relative for the first time in ages as he won't be back next year on 'my' Christmas. Even after explaining the DC would be very hurt and sad if they couldn't see PIL as they look forward to their visits (which is what she claimed to want all along) she said it was tough and she would explain why it was me that made them upset by being such a manipulative bastard (bastard, really!) and trying to cut PILs out. I just hung up at this point because I am not standing for that. The DC will be upset either way - not seeing uncle or not seeing nanny and grandpa, I have only recently told them he's coming as I thought it was all planned and he wanted to Skype them about the visit.
The point is - she's right I don't like them. They're horrible people that treated DH very badly and still do to a certain, now limited, extent. They were fuckers to me until I told her to wind her neck in. The ONLY reason we still see them is because they are actually nice grandparents and haven't started any BS with the children. The children love their GPs and DH and I are willing to see them and be nice to facilitate the relationship. I left the choice to DH and support his decision (which I wouldn't have if the DC were at risk of toxicity if I'm honest).
I have a similar set up in that I stopped contact with my father and my mum is 'limited access only' but the rest of my family are great. They love us and welcome DH with open arms. They love him and he them, he has independant relationships with them to so it's not only through me that he sees them. He has become number 2 son. He prefers to see my lot and would gladly spend all the holidays etc with them and not see his family.
Now I don't really know what to do - I want to call her on it and tell her to fuck off then, Dh is in general agreement but a little more ambivalent about it. He's torn, of course he is. But then I think I really don't want to hurt my children just because MIL is an arse. I have said we will not change the plans now, MIL will not be speaking to DCs as I'm fairly sure she will break her no BS track record and we re-visit it when she's calmed down.
What do I do? Either she will refuse to see them to punish us by making my DC upset or she will go completely the other way but only if we cave and do Boxing day.
I really don't want to make amends and upset the people that support us most to get her back on side.
I don't want to hurt my children and DH by pre-empting her decision (to punish or not punish) and telling her to jump.
If she doesn't get her way she will be awful - but not to my children just to us, I can fudge the truth a bit so DC not upset because as long as MIL is pacified she won't disabuse them of the lie. But even if I pretend it's for a good reason our DC will still be punished indirectly - this says all I think I need to know but...
AIBU to tell her we are not going to see them again because of her continued behaviour, even though this too will upset our DC and DH probably after the relief, or am I treating the GP/DC's good bond with too little respect because of my personal opinion of them?
Thank you for reading my novella
The Christmas Bastard.