Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU re contact with nieces following separation/ divorce

19 replies

ooby · 21/12/2012 20:02

my sil and DB are going through a bitter divorce.

I have supported them both equally for years and have been as impartial as possible during past separations.

18 months ago my sil decided that i was on my db's side. i found it so hard to keep listening to her vitriol and defended him on a couple of issues.

she hasnt wanted to speak to me since.

i send cards and texts periodically.

soon after this, she started boycotting my dds' birthdays and stopped sending cards etc. this is hard tbh, as she has known them since birth, and they are now aged 10 and 8.

i still send cards and gifts to her and my nieces at her address, not just my db's, as a gesture of reconciliation/ goodwill, i suppose.

now, obviously their dc are the main casualties in all this, but i think it's terribly sad that my sil is happy to cut all ties with her nieces (my dds), whom i thought she had been very fond of.

is it usual for nephews/ nieces by marriage to be dropped in this way? am i being naive to think that she 'should' still have affection for her nieces and be prepared to send a birthday card even if she finds face to face contact difficult?

do you have experience of this, anyone?

my dds want to know if x is still their aunty and i don't know how to respond. it is very hurtful, tbh.

AIBU to think that my sil is wrong to boycott her nieces' birthdays, and that she should send a card even though relations are strained right now?

OP posts:

SenoritaViva · 21/12/2012 20:12

I can understand how hurt you must feel and in the end of course you will ultimately take your DBs side. It's not like your just friends, he's family.

You sound rather lovely; possibly naive! I would explain to your DDs that their aunt is going through a tough time and although it doesn't mean she isn't find of them, she's probably hurt and trying to both distance herself from their uncle and adjust to being single again. Your DDs are old enough to grasp this a bit..

In the meantime I'd send your sil a card, explaining you understand she wants some distance but that your door is always open and when she is less raw you hope to be able to see the kids again. Then carry on as you are but be prepared that it may never fix itself. Very sad but often the nature of divorce.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/12/2012 20:17

If you can keep up the cards to your nieces, but step away from your SIL. She needs to come to terms with the divorce and find her feet.

Once the dust settles she might resume civil relations.

It will take time tho. Divorce is not easy.

cozietoesie · 21/12/2012 20:19

Yes, ooby - I've got some experience of it. I still want to maintain contact with my DNephew and DNiece although it's not always easy because they live with their Mum and I've had the impression from things said that the picture she's painted of her XH's 'side' isn't entirely favourable - to say the least.

Also - you're never entirely sure that letters/cards/presents are actually reaching the kids. There's some evidence of interception on the way.

I just keep on going with it though. Some day, when they're older, they might make contact individually and I would hope to be able to restart things then. I'd like to be able to feel that I'd kept on trying in the intervening period.

Original poster

ooby · 21/12/2012 20:20

thank you senorita

would it be unreasonable for me to ask her to send the dds a card so that we do not not put a distance between us that cannot be 'undone'? even her own dc are asking me 'do you still see my mummy?' 'will you ever come to our house again?' is 'is my mum still their aunty?'

i feel that she is the one putting the distance between us and i am the one fielding the awkward questions

my dh is not a blood relative to her dc and yet he is every bit the doting uncle. they adore him. i wonder how she would feel if he dropped her dc in the way that she has dropped ours...

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 21/12/2012 20:21

If your DB is the father, then it is his responsibility to keep his children in touch with his side of the family.

DIYapprentice · 21/12/2012 20:21

That's so sad! YANBU, but I think at the moment, neither is your SIL. That happened to me and my cousin. Her parents broke up, and her mother wouldn't let her have anything to do with her ex's side of the family.

In fairness to her DM, my uncle was (and is) a complete and utter dickhead. I caught up with her once, but my older sister and aunt stuck their noses in and brought her father, my uncle around, and I then didn't get to see her again as her DM was absolutely furious about it. Fortunately she got back in contact when she was an adult. Although we aren't close, she at least got to see her grandparents again just before our DGF died. That meant a lot to everyone.

Original poster

ooby · 21/12/2012 20:25

ok...i think i have made a few things unclear in my OP.

i actually see my nieces (HER DC) quite often as my db has them often at weekends.

the issue here is that she has suddenly severed contact with MY DC (HER NIECES) as they are linked to me and therefore her ex. eg boycotting birthdays and xmas even though she initiaily sent cards etc when they first separated.

i am finding this hard to accept and to explain to MY dds AND her DDS.

is that clear??

OP posts:

FestiveWench · 21/12/2012 20:47

I think it is reasonable for her to want no contact with your DB's family (ie you and your DC).
You will always be a reminder of the bad times with her ex and it is unrealistic for you to expect otherwise given that things are so bad between her and your ex.

Original poster

ooby · 21/12/2012 20:50

OK festive, what shall i tell her dc next time they ask if i will ever see their mum again and if their mum is still their cousin's aunty?

OP posts:

PiccadillyCervix · 21/12/2012 21:01

If she isn't interested in continuing contact just say that she is no longer aunty since the divorce. But that you db is still their uncle.

cozietoesie · 21/12/2012 21:02

'Yes of course' and change the subject carefully. They likely won't want a long explanation of things at the moment - just reassurance.

autumnmum · 21/12/2012 21:08

Same thing happened with my DB, with the only difference my brother has custody of his children. My ex-SIL only lives round the corner from me but she has since remarried and has stopped sending presents or cards to my kids. I'm fine with this as I understand it is awkward. If we run into each other we are all very friendly and my kids call her aunty, but otherwise we don't go out of our way to see her. The kids have been remarkably accepting of this. Just keep being civil so you can't be accused of taking sides, but accept that she may not be in your life anymore.

maddening · 21/12/2012 21:08

It should be your db that facilitates the relationship with his dc and yours.

maddening · 21/12/2012 21:09

So he should send cards and presents from him and his dc.

NilentSight · 21/12/2012 21:15

I think you are being naive about the pain and distress that divorce actually brings. I have no contact with any of my exs family (Granted there are no other children involved)
Your children are old enough to understand that when people get divorced, families DO change, and whilst it's sad, they still get to see their cousins and as all of the children get older, its possible that your kids will be in touch with SIL via the kids rather than your DB or you.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 21/12/2012 21:21

I'm estranged from pil, due to reasons that are too long to go into.
I try to keep my distance from sil as unfortunetly she has got too involved & pressures my dh into making me & dc see mil.

I love my nieces, i very much do but dhs family are so toxic.
All my nieces get presents and cards but i don't see them anymore as sil cannot stop bring the pils into discussion and bullies dh into doing things for mil. Not only that i have never agreed with the way she parents her dc, they often are alive with headlice and in unclean clothing.
Her dc who are 8 & 15 urinate their selfs still, even at school-sil sees this as normal and makes them wash their own underwear & clothing by hand.
I cannot sit around and watch those girls suffer, i have tried to phone ss but dh stopped me & said he couldn't do that to his own sister

Unfortunetly all my ils are toxic and not the sort of people i thought they were when i first met dh.

Sometimes people & families have to part ways, its sad but sometimes its for the best.
The only advice i can give is not to pressure her and hope she changes her mind.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/12/2012 21:37

I don't think it's odd that she doesn't send your dds cards. That's her ex's job now that they are no longer together.

ImaginateMum · 21/12/2012 21:41

My kids have been dropped by an ex-SIL. I find it hard to understand. I love her boys (my nephews through marriage) and cannot imagine not wanting to continue a relationship with them. I have been their aunt since they were born, and don't see how that can stop. It is sad she doesn't feel the same about my children.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 21/12/2012 22:05

I'd keep doing it but don't expect anything in return. Divorces are hard to take on everyone involved, as you lose a family as well as the relationship. keep trying at least then in your heart you did the right thing.
Going through a similar thing here and all contact has been severed. It's heart breaking when my son cries his eyes out to see them but the situation is what it is and 6 months on he's crying less and seems less affected.

Flip