To ask DP for contribution

[mrsmindcontrol]

Back story: I split up with my exH about 18 months ago. I have 3 DC, 6, 5 & 2. I met DP 10 months ago, all going very nicely indeed. Due to HMRC royally fucking up my TC in the summer & leaving me in a situation where I was earning less than my childcare costs, I was forced to give up my (much loved & fairly well paid job ). I now live entirely on benefits & maintenance.

DP currently spends approx 3-4 nights a week staying over, most weeks his DD stays over too. We don't want to live together (yet)...too soon plus lots of other reasons. DP is very good about picking up whatever food we need for specific meals, milk etc whenever I ask & almost always pays for very rare takeaways or meals out. However, as you might expect I cover all household costs, heating, hot water etc etc plus providing all basic essentials (tea bags, washing up liquid etc).
Money is very tight for me. I often find myself penniless & have to borrow money from DP which I always pay back.
Would I be unreasonable to ask him to contribute something towards my household expenses? I honestly don't know. Have reservations where that might leave me from a benefits point of view too.

Can't you ask him to take turns on the food shop or something like that?

If he is paying towards rent & bills and giving you cash id be nervous re benefits.

As I understand it if he's paying towards household costs then he's treated as living there. Single parent benefits are supposed to be enough to pay your cost on your own (they aren't, I know this because I'm in the same financial position)

I would speak to him about maybe contributing more in the way of shopping rather than money personally but if he's staying so much and his DD is as well you may already be on a sticky wicket if they were to look into your circumstances so it really it probably makes no difference if he contributes money or not.

I don't think you can expect to get help with your living costs from him and benefits. I think you're already in a dodgy position with benefits if he's staying over that often

I understand it must be difficult balancing a new relationship with benefits/ financial issues but you really could be setting yourself up for a massive fall here

If he's paying towards home expenses then you will have to tell the DWP, and they might cut your benefits.

If he's paying for living expenses elsewhere too, then he's probably doing enough by buying the shopping and treats.

I've made some discrete & anonymous enquiries with DSS about how they view a couple as living together in terms of single parent benefit entitlement. They told me that they look more at whether partner pays rent/council tax elsewhere/insured car elsewhere. Whether they keep any clothes in claimants house. I'm ok on all those fronts so not necessarily worried about being investigated as we're definitely NOT living together.
But he does benefit from stuff I pay for all the same.

Perhaps you could ask him to go halves on the shopping for the week, or do one of two 'big shops' each week. That way he is contributing more fully to the household without the commitment implied by taking on actual bill payments or handing over cash.

yabu, as presumably most of the household costs would be the same if you didn't have a DP (I appreciate there may be slightly more hot water used)

If he is paying toward the household, it doesn't matter if he actually lives there. You would still need to declare it.

Yanbu to want help though as it will cost more to have him there. But it would have to be declared.

Surely 3-4 nights a week staying over is classed as living together?

If not then it damn well should be.

Towards the food, yes. Towards your household expenses, no.

Why should it be Santa?

I always thought that 3-4 nights/week counted as living together as far as the DWP was concerned.

See my previous message regarding that. They told me it doesn't count as living together. We're NOT living together. He has his own place where he keeps his clothes, pays rent, council tax & sleeps in 3-4 nights a week.

I'm not sure what the current rules are re benefit. But somebody staying in your house a few nights a week and contributing to bills might reasonably be considered to be living there part of the week.

I thought anything over 3 days was classed as living together? Dp works away all week and is only here 2/3 nights but we still class this as living together. He has to pay for accommodation elsewhere while he is away

Yes. I read your other post. I'm going on what I was told, by the DWP. So it sounds like the criteria are not absolute.

If that is the case, I'd say you're on thin ice, tbh. If I were making the decision, I certainly wouldn't consider that you should be getting benefits as a single person in your situation.

If he is contributing to your household he is classed as supporting you and you need to tell the DWP.

The number of nights thing is a myth, but if he is part of your household then you could land yourself in trouble if you dont declare it.

Wow. That's interesting. I definitely know that the criteria isn't absolute on terms of number of nights spent together but beyond that it is up to each individual assessor's judgement.
I genuinely am surprised that people would consider us to be 'living together'. In my view, we lead fairly separate lives.
Oh, blimey, that's a whole new quandary to consider then

I may be wrong but I think the fact he dd is staying there occasionally as well, would contribute to a possible investigation.

Obviously if someone were to report you.

Personally I wouldn't consider you to be living together, but I also wouldn't consider that you ought to be entitled to benefits as a single person. I suppose that's why the criteria are not absolute.

All the things you say they look at mrsmindcontrol are things a partner who works away would do and the partner at home wouldn't be considered to be a single parent so there has to be something more that defines you as not part of a couple than that.

The whole grey area of being a single parent but in a couple that spend large amounts of time together is difficult but if you've made all the enquirers and know exactly where the line lies then I suppose you can do anything up to that and still be considered a single parent for benefit reasons.

I still think more shopping rather than money would be safer but that's just me.

The myth of three nights is safe is just that. The decison makers handbook looks at lots of factors, they ask neighbours if you are perceived to be a couple, if you eat together, shop together etc.

Its not enough to have a seperate addess as many live away for work so have two households.

I suspect given the amount of time you spend together and do things as a family, the DWP would not class you as single.

There is a difference in one partner working away though and a new relationship where he has a complete set up of his own.

I don't envy you what a pain. I'd tread a bit carefully especially in the current climate.

You would not be unreasonable to ask him for a contribution but you would be unreasonable to continue to claim benefits as a single person if you do so. He lives at your place half of the time - how is that leading separate lives?!

Get out of my pear tree! Unless you want to pay some rent