To be really upset about lack of fertility funding

[Alwaysasking]

Me and DP have no choice but to have advanced IVF, we have no chance whatsoever of conceiving any other way. DP was born with major cogenital abnormalities which resulted in a zero sperm count, we found out last year.

We have always been aware we would have to fund IVF ourselves, despite being young (20s) and otherwise healthy as I have a DC from a previous relationship. This seems so unfair, I could understand if my DC was both of ours but to deny funding when DP has no children of his own and we have no chance without IVF seems cruel. But we accepted this. However we have now found out not only do we have to fund this, the operation DP needs to surgically find and freeze his sperm will also need funding. We can't afford it. I just feel so upset and angry that DP has no children and we meet all other criteria, healthy, young, fit, yet get no help whatsoever.

Go easy on me please, not up for a bashing, but AIBU?

pinkdelight we aren't looking to have a cycle for another couple of years, not only because we can't afford it but we want to get a home set up together first. But we do want the sperm retrieval op now, with such uncertainty it would be a small piece of security if that makes sense, knowing it's been successfully retrieved (there is a chance they may find none anyway, albeit a small chance).

Cabrinha luckily DPs abnormalities are not hereditary, it was just 'one of those things' we have been told, a random fuck up, if you like!

You know when parents say "you can't possibly really understand xyz unless you are a parent"?

Well, I think same goes for infertility.

No one who has not experienced being unable to conceive could understand the anguish.
And possibly least of all parents.

So MN is not somewhere that is going to be overly sympathetic to the ivf funding issue. (underestandably - I'm not condemning)

I live in North Yorkshire which had (still has?) a NO FUNDING FOR IVF policy. So when I went to Leeds for treatment, I was being treated alongside Leeds women , who were resident in West Yorkshire, who were entitled to 3 free cycles.

But I work for the NHS and I know how tightly stretched resources are.
We had 4 cycles. All self funded - we sacrificed a lot. We weren't successful.
The pain is lifelong and at times unbearable.

I reccommend saving and paying for treatment because we are unusually unlucky. And if successful - well it would be worth every sacrifice.

I wish you all the luck in the world.
Do look into treatment abroad - many women I know went that route and had success.

YANBU. We were offered IVF for a really very minor fertility issue due to our age, area and not having kids. I turned it down only because I felt statistically my chances were greater without. I am very fortunate to have two children just three years on but i think that goes to show how ridiculous the rules are. Giving it to me would have been a waste of resources yet so many people are denied what I will always argue IS a human right when the medical possibility is there. I really feel for you and as a poster said above, wish those of us who had the chance but didn't need it were able to donate it. Very best of luck to you both.

StickEmUp that almost made me cry! The kindness of strangers is overwhelming at times.

Matildaandthematches thank you, that was very dignified of you. I'm so scared thinking we may never have children, but trying to remain positive!

OK, you are still young. I saved up for ten years. It was a very very long time but got there in the end.

I say make a plan now and work toward it. Be as pragmatic and positive as possible and find the funds. You may want to search the Internet for stories of how Americans fund things like IVF. There were some v good ideas and whole communities pull together.

Thanks again for replies, StickEmUp I'm so pleased you are one of the few who has made peace with how things are, that must be a huge relief. I agree, I hate how they think because I have a child, DP shouldn't be helped to have his own. We are in this situation where he blames himself because he has the problem, and I blame myself because it's my fault we won't get funding. He thinks I could find someone else who'd give me a DC, I think he could find someone without a DC and get iVF funded! It is crazy that as it happens, together we won't be funded.

I will look into how Americans do it, a lot of uk forums seem pretty empty!

I don't mean to be disrespectful towards your DP - but it does sound as those his anatomical abnormalities are quite severe - are you sure that his sperm are of a high enough quality to support IVF? Perhaps it would be better to use donated sperm, and see the reduced cost as a silver lining.

Very best wishes to you both.

CinnabarRed I understand your concern but we have been reassured his sperm should be suitable for IVF - his abnormalities are severe but don't actually affect the production of the sperm, just the transportation of it. There are 2 types of 'azoospermia' (absence of sperm in ejaculate ), one means it's not being produced which is obviously a 'worse' condition, the other means it's being made just fine but there's a blockage stopping it getting out, in dps case, his tubes are twisted and going into the wrong places so it can't get out.

Hi Always, my dh also has the same problem as yours. He was born with a natural vasectomy but the sperm themselves are fine.
We are allowed (and took) one round of ivf where we live, and it also covered the PISA op to recover the sperm. I am now mum to dd, who is nearly three.
When our wonderful specialist found the sperm were viable he told us that we were the easiest type of infertility case with the highest success rate as there was nothing wrong with the gametes or the host womb, it was just a case of getting everything together.
I hope that you are the same. Please consider getting yourself over to Barcelona for a consult, they have an excellent reputation as do some other European clinics. Good luck!

SilverAndSparklyKat that is so reassuring, I was hoping it would be more straightforward as I am healthy, so surely once everything is fertilised it's the same as doing IVF on a completely fertile couple if that makes sense. Can I ask you, and those suggesting abroad, how long do you need to stay in the country (say Barcelona) for? Months?

We spent 4 or 5 days in Greece the first time while they tried to match my cycle up with the egg donor and about 3 or 4 days the second time - our UK consultant recommended at least 48 hours rest before flying. My goodness no it doesn't take months, otherwise it would hardly be cheaper! However the above was after doing the preliminary treatments in the UK.

Have a look on the websites for the clinics. Try Barcelona ivf and the equivalents around Europe but also have a look at reviews for various clinics. Have you been on fertilityfriend.com? There are many people there who have first hand experience and will be able to give you excellent advice.

I wish you all the luck in the world.