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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to remind DH that he likes us

14 replies

Bathsheba · 20/12/2012 23:10

DH has aspergers. He also suffers from anxiety and paranoia.

He is hardwork to live with. "Everyone" is stupid and incapable.

He had told me in the past that in life he likes. "About 7 people" - his 2 best mates (1 lives in Australia), me, our 3 dds and my best mate.

He has finishes work today until 3rd jan. He is currently railing against everything and everyone. Everyone is stupid. Everything is ridiculous...

So after 2 glasses of wine tonight I asked him if, for the next 2 weeks, that he could actually remember that he apparently LIKES me and our 3 dds and behaves accordingly.

Apparently I'm 'horrible',

OP posts:
RubbishCrackerPuller · 20/12/2012 23:12

That sounds like hard work Sad

Hope you can come to some sort of tolerable agreement for Xmas

Original poster
Bathsheba · 20/12/2012 23:12

Sorry phone did a weird thing - I'm horrible, patronising and a bitch.

I'm just thinking that I don't care how stressful his work is, I just ask for 2 weeks a year that he leaves his issues with work behind, relaxed and has fun

OP posts:
RubbishCrackerPuller · 20/12/2012 23:23

I think men in general find detaching from work difficult. DP for example is always ratty for the first couple of days of leave, and then he ALWAYS comes down with some kind of flu/virus/illness as he gradually stops living off adrenaline.

Xmas is actually a stressful time, and is not always 'fun', sadly.

No real reason for him calling you those names though, that was very uncalled for, sorry Sad

WorraLorraTurkey · 20/12/2012 23:29

What horrible names to call you...is that out of character or do you both speak to each other like that during rows?

He does sound like hard work, but I think you're being a bit idealistic to say you don't care how stressful his work is. I imagine it'll take some time to wind down and actually 'feel' like he's broken up for the holidays.

KittyFane1 · 20/12/2012 23:30

My DH is the same (aspergers, anxiety and paranoia), except at times he likes 'nobody'. His negativity is hard work and my standard response now is 'well if that's true, you have a problem and you should do the right thing and be on your own for a while'. He doesn't want this and so I tell him that if he is going to be around us he needs to be 'civil' towards us and about others.
He doesn't like this obviously and I get called all sorts of names but he eventually stops being negative. The run up to Christmas is usually difficult! He 'hates' it apparently! Then I catch him planning our meal, asking DC what they would like, looking to see when the carol concerts are on etc. It is then that I say 'it's good fun isn't it DH?' He's contrary.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 21/12/2012 01:52

I'll join the club, it is hard, and holidays don't help. We should all join hands and be strong together and do the happy dance when they go back to work after being off and out of the "routine"
My dh was on a down swing last two days, not too bad when he got in tonight. So fingers crossed for a good Christmas to all the women married to Aspies.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 21/12/2012 01:53

I missed the other names he called you, that's not on. Xmas Sad

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/12/2012 02:10

Presumably he has enough coping skills to hold down his job, so he can control and modify his behaviour. So, Aspergers is not a free pass for him to mistreat you and DC. You are just as important as he is. Tell him that he can either behave himself, or he can fuck off and live somewhere else.

MurderOfGoths · 21/12/2012 02:18

Another one with an autism spectrum/anxiety suffering DH. Drives me nuts when he's in one of his 'everyone is against me, I hate everyone' moods. Though thankfully he usually apologises when I point out I'm not the enemy. Still hard work though

PiccadillyCervix · 21/12/2012 03:54

as sgb has said, if he doesn't call his boss a bitch it he can keep him self in check. Aspergers is no excuse for being a cunt.

AdoraJingleBells · 21/12/2012 04:07

You're not horrible or a bitch, and I doubt you are patronising either.

I really couldn't put up with that. My OH also gets ratty when stressed/over worked/on holiday, but over the last couple of years I've managed to get through to him that I won't put up with being treated like the enemy because he is having an off day. I don't think he has anything like Aspie going on though. I did for a while but that was just my opinion, he's never asked a Dr because there's nothing wrong with himHmm.

Could you suggest to DH that he does something like write down whatever is bugging him each day? Would that kind of thing work with him?the idea is that he gets rid of it instead of carrying it into new situations. Or write a list of the people he likes, a kind of prompt sheet, and keep it in a prominent place. Or does some kind of excersise, goes for a walk etc.

I don't know what else to advise as I'm not living with an Aspie and so my approach to anyone who treats me badly as a matter of course is - fuck off, and I mean it. Possibly not the best approach for your DH.

FellatioNelson · 21/12/2012 05:03

I completely and utterly agree with SolidGold.

KittyFane1 · 21/12/2012 15:16

Also agree with 'solid gold' about controlling/modifying behaviour. The worst thing I can do is indulge my DH's negativity.

Original poster
Bathsheba · 22/12/2012 00:29

Can I just say that he has been a lot better today. Who knows, I may have made my point...

OP posts:
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