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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

can somone hold my hand

41 replies

yellowsheep · 20/12/2012 20:35

My DD has just got out of bed for the 16th time come downstairs unscrewed her water bottle and threw her drink all over me..... i have had enough.

She is 6, yes there has been a lot going on in our lives at the moment but her behaviour is horrendous at bed time , she often reduces me and husband (her dad) to tears saying she hates us and wishes she was dead, she screams shouts kicks punches bites the lot i have no idea what to do with her. We also have 4yr old boys so she will often wake them up with her screaming.

I have spoken to her teachers, and they say she is lovley at school has lots of friends and is doing well and are shocked at what we tell them she does.

I am on my own with her tonight as DH is painting new house ready to move into for xmas.

I will listen to any advice anyone has and am willing to do anything, this simply cannot go on.

OP posts:

GrinchAnInch · 20/12/2012 21:03

Hi I don't know whether this will be any help but please ignore me if not.

We were having problems at bed time with our ds (also 6) and we have decided to ignore the bad behaviour (well try to as much as we can) and now we have a routine where his bed time is 7.30 but if he is good and settles down he can go to bed at 8.00 the next night. He is allowed to shout us once (was 3 times to begin with but have reduced it) unless it's an emergency. He now goes to bed most nights without any fuss at 8.00 (he knows if he plays up it'll be 7.30 the following night). also I have found when his anger has flared up that if i get him to run it off in the garden (yes in his pyjamas even if it's raining) that seems to really help get his frustration out. If your dd is anything at all like our ds there is just no reasoning with them when angry.

Hope this has helped a little.

PinkFairyDust · 20/12/2012 21:05

Ask about counselling at school perhaps or at your gp?

Child who I looked after had as too, but doesn't mean op daughter has it - I think it gets diagnosed around 7?

travellingwilbury · 20/12/2012 21:15

Clutching at straws but do you think anyone told her granny or grandad went to sleep ? I know people say this sometimes when someone dies and it is awful for children as they ate then understandably terrified of sleeping in case they don't wake up .

QuickLookBusy · 20/12/2012 21:17

You've all been so much during the last few months

I'm no expert but I thing she's probably anxious because of losing her Nan and Great Nan. My DDs went through anxiety when my dad and mum died within a year of each other. They were fine going to school but regressed at bed time. They were slightly older than your dd but they were both so clingy. It took hours for them to go to sleep.

I think if you can somehow ask her if she feels frightened of anything, maybe talk about her Nans and reassure her that you and he Dad aren't going to die and leave her. And give her lots of reassurance and extra cuddles during the day.

Yama · 20/12/2012 21:25

Think TravellingWilbury might be onto something. I read a lot of advice on here when my wee brother was dying and so was very honest with dd. Children take things literally so 'going to sleep' or having 'lost' someone will make them thing that either they can come back or that sleep/being lost can lead to death.

The best advice about helping children through bereavement came from searches on here. Long, long road to understanding and acceptance though.

LatteLady · 20/12/2012 21:32

I am so sorry you are having a rotten time and am thrusting out my hand to hold yours.

Just remember that she doesn't really mean it, she is lashing out at the person she loves the most... her mum... and yes, you are a really lovely mummy and don't you forget it :)

Deep breaths, this too will pass and you will all be in a very different place this time next year hugs

travellingwilbury · 20/12/2012 21:32

A really good book for children to help is waterbugs and dragonflies , is very gentle , but explains the dissapearance of someone from our life .

gordyslovesheep · 20/12/2012 21:47

yes the 'fell asleep' line is so scary - that's a really good point

IkissedSanta · 20/12/2012 21:52

have my hand as well.

i agree with the others she doesnt mean it she is just lashing out. some children find it hard to identify how they feel so turn to anger. i am not familiar with the books suggested so cant comment about them.

but
feelings cards (look online) can help in these sorts of situations, they can help you and the child recognise what it is they actually feel, there are games you can play with them as well.
this will help her understand how she is really feeling and reduce her anger/frustration.
you being open and honest about how you feel will also teach her its ok to tell others how you feel.
use the I FEEL statement with her when you talk about her behaviour for example
I FEEL very sad when you throw water at me.
angry
hurt

also thought the suggestion about her behaviour effecting bed time.either earning or losing time maybe helpful.

there are also star or sticker charts that once she has so many star/stickers for going to bed better not perfectly straight away its got to be achievable.

things she could get could include earning having something back in her room, staying up later on weekend special tea anything really.

if you need any other tips feel free to pm me any time or even just to have a private moan lol

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 20/12/2012 21:59

Where are you actually living?

CoolaYuleA · 20/12/2012 22:01

You have all lost so much in such a short space of time and at her age your DD is too young to process how she feels, or deal with the loss.

For a child home is a sanctuary, and she will not be able to understand why you had to leave, all she will know is her safe place is gone.

Likewise two people who were important to her were suddenly just gone as well.

She probably feels that everything is being taken away and that she is completely powerless to stop it. As a child she also has limited understanding of why things happen. She may be pushing against you as hard as she can because she is worried you will go away too. Or even be finding the fact that she can push this hard and you DON'T go reassuring, because it proves to her over and over again that no matter what she does you don't go. So she keeps pushing because she needs that reassurance.

She sounds like she is really struggling to cope with the things that have happened in your lives, and her behaviour is a red flag that she needs help. I would take her to the GP and ask about a referral to CAMHS.

Having her own room in a new house will help in the long term, but I don't think it will be a quick fix - she had a house before, and that was taken away, so it will take time for her to trust that the new house won't be. If anything the move might actually make her behaviour worse for a while as a new house may bring back the feelings she had about having to leave the old one.

I really do think a CAMHS referral for some counselling around loss would help.

Hang in there OP - with some time and support this can all be sorted out, she's just scared, confused and angry at the moment.

Natjan · 20/12/2012 23:42

Hi. This sounds exhausting poor you!! It does sound like there's something up with her as she is only 6 and I guess the hardest part for you now is getting to the bottom of it. Once you do you'll be able to resolve it. How long has this been going on for?

Just to say my 9 yr old behaves strangely sometimes and we've realised that it normally means there is something wrong at school and have thankfully got to the bottom of it and resolved the problems. However this was never easy - she started at about the age of 6 and I think just struggled with communicating how she felt so it came out in verbal aggression towards me each time.

This has got better as she's got older because over time we've told her and taught her to just tell us everything that's bothering her so that it never escalates and of course maturity now plays a part too.

Hope this helps in someway?? Oh yes and books get them talking, perhaps you can find a book on losing grandparents, something may spark a comment or 2 from her and you can get talking. Check with her as well that all is ok at school with work and friends etc. I know the teachers say all is ok but they would've said that about my dd, they don't see everything!!

I'll shut up now. Good luck with getting to the bottom of this - you will!! : )

Original poster

yellowsheep · 21/12/2012 21:14

Well tonight she called me upstairs once.... to ask for extra cuddles ;)

Now all 3 are asleep. moving day tomorrow as well as a fab santa meeting day trip in the middle of the day.

Fingers crossed for a better 2013 ...

OP posts:

ukatlast · 21/12/2012 21:28

I haven't read the whole thread but given all that's going on in her life, I really think she just wants more attention and cuddles. I would suggest not putting her back to bed with no eye contact (think I might throw water at someone who refused to make eye contact with me) and sitting on the sofa with her, provide physical reassurance.
If she is in bed, no reason why she can't read longer than 10 mins in bed, reading is good for her - most kids will fall asleep naturally while reading.

Her misbehaviour is her asking for your help and reassurance. Don't push her away with arbitrary rules and routines. She is older than her siblings and should maybe get a much later bed time and hence more alone time with you then they do iyswim. Sorry logging off now for Xmas.

Booblesonthetree · 21/12/2012 21:32

Hand to hold here too love, you sound shattered. Isn't it strange when they go from one extreme to the other?
She sounds very insecure and scared tbh. So much has happened and she doesn't have the maturity to deal with it. Sometimes children can fool us into thinking they are dealing with a situation and all they're doing is bottling it up inside until they can't keep it in any longer. It's heartbreaking.
I can sympathise. One of my DC's (older than yours) has had a lot to deal with - no where near as much as your DD, but enough for him- in the last few months. Suddenly my gentle funny boy turned into an absolute horror, shouting, swearing and fighting to the point where we felt lost.
We didn't get as far as counselling, we talked to his form tutor first to find out how he was in school. From there we rethought our approach and made sure we found time to talk to him and spend exclusive time with him and just let him talk about anything from the footy results to his real thoughts, which were an eye opener at times!
I'm not trying to imply that you're not spending time or listening, just sharing my story. Hope your feeling better xx

educatingarti · 21/12/2012 22:26

I agree with Pink Fairy dust's suggestion!

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