to be surprised that MIL doesn't want us to visit during the hols?!

[Catriona100]

She's just turned down my offer to visit for New Year (so she's not expecting to see DH and our DC at all now). She also said to me that's she's looking forward to it all being over when SIL and BIL have also gone home after Christmas.

She's a widow and house bound (so no social life at all) and she lives in a remote part of the country, so all her children can only come for weekends here and there.

I'm surprised. Not sure what to make of it actually (because there is some history of another time when she didn't want me - specifically me - to visit). But I've always been assured by DH that it wasn't personal.

I love seeing the family, but I have arthritis all through out my body, and it is very tiring. I feel like such a Grinch for my post up above.

as long as your mil isn't depressed is she normally quite a happy person ? then i would leave it if she has people staying she might be glad to see the back of them and just want to be on her own, I think i will be like your MIL i am not keen on christmas visitors i find it stressful and i get agitated

what I meant is are you sure she isn't depressed even if she is it is still fine to be on her own just make sure she is alright

You probably put her in an awkward position by trying to invite yourself. That seems a little rude and presumptuous -- surely you wait to be asked to someone's house, rather than 'offering' to come?

My mum has always been relieved when Christmas was over. I think she's never really seen the point of it, and doesn't like all the fuss and extra expense, she'd rather just stick to her normal everyday routine.

Not everyone likes having children around the place either (I don't, no matter how 'delightful' said children's parents might believe them to be!).

Ephiny - maybe you are right about her feeling that I was rude and/ or presumptuous.

Waiting for an offer is certainly how it works with everyone else except with my own family. With my own family, we call each other and say "what are you doing at x time? We'd like to visit then." (But I'd always be willing to stay at a hotel). I'd never dream of inviting myself to stay at a friend's or SIL's for example.

I don't usually speak to MIL direct so this wouldn't come up. Usually its just DH but she called here yesterday when he was out.

I'm not deluded about how people feel about other people's children. But these are her GC whom she claims to love. Also, people do frequently remark on how well behaved my DCs are. (Not boasting.. its just a fact that they say this.) So I think you are off the mark there (and anyway its a big house so she wouldn't have to spend a minute more with them than she wanted to).

I have to say though that I'm feeling even more insecure now. I was asking myself if she wanted the visit until she heard I'd be coming too and that made her decide to do without seeing her DS or GC. And I was askign myself why? Now I have a reason... because she considers me rude and presumptuous. Great!

Well, no, I didn't mean that was the reason. I meant that if she didn't want visitors in the first place, it may have been an awkward situation for her when you phoned with your 'offer' to visit. Would have been for me anyway.

Don't over-think it, or take it too personally. If I were you I would focus on what you want to do for Christmas and NY, and having a fun time with your family. Even if it's true she doesn't like you much...do you really care?

It might depend a bit on what happens when everyone is there as well. My Mum has finally stood up for herself and refused family wanting to stay with her over christmas. This would be several adults/older children and a dog. And she would be expected to cook, make sleeping arrangements, let other people sleep in her bed etc.
I think family who don't see her that often don't make allowances for her getting older and having less energy and imagine that the festive period has to remain preserved in aspic and be exactly the way it was when all children were small and mum wasn't on her own.

The second sentence of your op where your MIL specifically states that she is looking forward to SIL leaving afterwards, seems so obvious (to me) that she has deliberately said that to you in order that you DON'T take it personally! That she wants to be on her own/have a bit of peace and quiet, but because of your back history wants to make sure you know it's not you she is avoiding!

Reading your op it did not occur to me otherwise.

I think you are reading waaaaay too much into this - although I do understand this and would probably be the same myself! Honestly it doesn't sound personal to me at all.

Rude, presumptuous, or trying hard to keep up contact, maintain civil relations? I would step back OP you've done your utmost. MIL doesn't sound like a shy little flower unused to voicing her preferences and it sounds like you and she have rattled cages before this.

Like I said yesterday perhaps DH and MIL are a bit alike. Let them have time to themselves - your DCs can go and sparkle, show her you've raised wonderful DCs so you got something right - you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

PS Sympathies, Christmas SpiritEndorphins. You're no Grinch. I have RHA mostly under control but occasional bad times, this month so achey - motto these days: 'feel the creaks and do it anyway'! Take it easy, don't overdo it.

Thank-you TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdow. Good advice, and I am. I bought most of the baking, and we are having Christmas Dinner at ds and his gf's new place. Her mum also has arthritis, and I think we will like this new tradition. Funny we both have motto's! My motto is "Take a pill and carry on."
Catriona100, you know maybe earlier, when you still all thought you had to be away over the holidays, that your dh wanted to go to visit his mum and she felt sorry for him because you wouldn't be there. But secretly was just wanting to get this all over with.
Then you were home after all, and she is thinking "Ok, ds can bring in the NY with his dw & dc, and I can bring it in with heating pad and bed at 9."