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AIBU?

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Original poster

I fear I'm turning into one of Those Parents...

54 replies

KittiesInsane · 20/12/2012 11:02

Oops!

DD is in year 6 of primary. Good girl, hard worker, nice to small children and animals etc, and loves to perform. She's been looking forward for ages to finally having a decent part in the school panto, but has been put down for 'narrator 3', while her best friend got the star part. DD, being a love, has been stoically pleased for the friend (who is a darling -- sings, dances, acts and is still a lovely kid). Her other friends have less shiny roles, but at least get to act.

This week, same best friend is singing the solo for the school carol concert.

Now, DD can't dance for toffee, but sings really rather well possibly better than friend and had apparently been secretly hoping she might get this by way of compensation. Her valiant attempt to be pleased for her friend is slipping.

Last night we had dramatic gulping sobs about how school never seem to pick her for anything and maybe she's just rubbish. (She gets to edit the staff newsletter and be a monitor told you she was a good girl but somehow doesn't see that as a fun reward.)

So, it'd be entirely reasonable of me to storm into school and demand that they recognise DD's superior talents, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? And announce publicly that they needn't expect any Christmas presents from me this year, the undiscriminating meanies?

Hah, that feels better.

Right flame me. Am spoiling for a fight here.

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 20/12/2012 12:07

DS2 was the one in our family who always got picked for everything. My friend's DD2 was always upset that she didn't get picked, but when she did, she got very uptight about it beforehand and didn't manage to perform at her best at all.

I think that often the same DC get picked for the bigger parts because they always manage to perform well on the big occasions. My friend's DD2 was very upset that she didn't manage to do anywhere near as well on the night as at the rehearsals.

I have two other DC who didn't get picked so I can see it from both sides. DS2 is just fairly confident at performing. The other two are confident in other ways, just not performing.

Try not to get too upset and think too much into it (though I do sympathise if your DD really is the better singer). Hope things go as well as they can this pm Sad for you and the family of the lady.

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts · 20/12/2012 12:09

I'm trying to think of a suitably cutting observation about it that I can drop into the next parents evening. Nothing overly confrontational, just something to lower the temperature in the room by several degrees so they know that I Have Noticed.

Original poster
KittiesInsane · 20/12/2012 13:40

I'm back. With a sense of perspective. Lovely funeral (well, you know what I mean).

Thanks all.

OP posts:
MrsDeterminedandSpecialMum · 20/12/2012 13:54

We've had this recently. DD1 Yr3 has never been picked for major parts in school plays, it is always the same children.

DD got upset when she got picked for the school choir only because the person who originally got picked wouldn't be in school at the time (hospital admission) so she knew due to inappropriate wording by the teacher that she was 2nd best.

They know that she goes to a singing academy and I had to console her saying as she gets opportunities outside school that other children don't have they get to shine in school.

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2012 14:05

Awww, I really feel for your daughter if she is a lovely singer too. Sounds like maybe the same child shouldn't have had the main part AND the solo.

In general though, I think the main parts in primary schools go to the same few children because there aren't that many children who are especially talented at that age. And I do think talent matters.

My 10 year old usually gets good parts in plays and concerts because she can sing, dance and act very well. However, she never gets picked for the A team in hockey, netball or rounders nor will she ever be chosen for the specialist art days or for the running, swimming or tennis squads because she is not sporty and is hopeless at art.

MrsDeterminedandSpecialMum · 20/12/2012 14:51

Manic - I think the trouble with DD's school is that they don't really hold auditions as such so they don't get to see any of the other children who's talent has grown as they tend to stick to the same students iykwim.

Which is a shame as DD has a fantastic voice. Done 2 solo performances with a big band at her gig night with her singing academy and smashed both of them had a good report by the academy too and DD would love to show her talents off in school but never given the opportunity too. Sad

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2012 14:55

^^
That is definitely wrong, they should always do auditions.
It's amazing how suddenly some children come from nowhere and turn out to be awesome.

Maybe she should get herself 'accidentally overheard' singing to herself during an art lesson or something!

MrsDeterminedandSpecialMum · 20/12/2012 15:23

She is always singing lol. Been told that at parents evening. I honestly think it is because she is able to shine outside of school at other things so those who don't get that opportunity too get given parts at school. Which is a shame as she has a fantastic voice.

MrsDeterminedandSpecialMum · 20/12/2012 15:24

On the other hand it is favouritism.

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2012 15:27

you pay for out of school things as extra opportunities. That is no excuse for her being denied them in school :(

kakapo · 20/12/2012 15:32

I think if there is favouritism, then it is not a bad thing to be that parent.

MrsDeterminedandSpecialMum · 20/12/2012 15:33

I know. DD is one of the very few lucky ones who have these opportunities. Most of the children in the school have either single parents or parents on benefits so really don't have the opportunity like she does which is a shame for her.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 20/12/2012 15:49

PLEASE go in and talk to them just so you can come back and tell us You're doing us your DD a disservice if you don't!! Xmas Wink

ledkr · 20/12/2012 15:58

We have had a bit of this over the last few days. Same girl picked for everything.
I ft a bit precious until dh pointed out that schools have been quick to rule out competitiveness on sports days but the same doesn't apply to productions where all the showy kids get picked.
All children who want to should get an equal chance. After all it's just the local school, not the Italia Conti stage school.

kittens · 20/12/2012 15:59

This happened to my niece time and time again, she got her own back by getting selected to switch on the Christmas lights and perform some songs and generally own the stage. My sister made sure that the school knew she was doing it and all the children came down to supoort her, funnily enough after that she suddently started getting selected for choir and the main parts in the school prodcutions.
So you need to get her involved in something to outshine the school production....

Meggymoodle · 20/12/2012 16:07

Notice no teachers have responded. All too fried by the end of term and endless parents coming into complain that their offspring didn't get a starring role. Xmas Wink

manicinsomniac · 20/12/2012 16:25

I'm a teacher but I broke up from school on Saturday so have already had 5 days to recover Xmas Wink

forbiddenfruit85 · 20/12/2012 16:30

I remember when I was in Primary School and the same girl was constantly chosen for everything.

Main part in the school play.
Won the talent contest.
Won the Easter contest.

I remember her mother came in and her and the teacher announced that the girl had lost her library book and that every one in the class should go and look for it.

I lost my library book a few weeks later, told the teacher and she just shrugged her shoulders.

Teachers do favour certain people, and it is unfair to other pupils.

xmasissodepressing · 20/12/2012 17:06

Same at DD2's primary. always the same children being picked.

Other DD is at secondary now but when she was in year 6 they held auditions for a part in the end of year 6 performance. Some children didnt have to audition though as they were automatically given a part!! Some children including DD were "accidently" forgotten about so ended up in the choir. DD has attended a drama class since she was 7 so luckily she gets to perform when they put on shows.

DD2 is 6 but after listening to her sister complain about primary her attitude is not to bother at all. She wont enter anything that primary school offers!

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 20/12/2012 19:01

just say to the teacher quietly that D has been upset and feel overlooked with her lovely singing voice.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 20/12/2012 19:06

Ilovejudy - but it's not about who can sing/perform the best and putting on the best polished performance. It should be about inclusion and giving everyone a chance to shine regardless

But actually most of the kids in my DS's class can perform very well but oddly the same handful of kids tend to get picked each year. I think it needs a teacher with fresh eyes and less favorites.

Floggingmolly · 20/12/2012 19:25

In their final year; yes it is rubbish to give two major roles to the same child. They should all have their moment in the sun.

CheerfulYank · 20/12/2012 19:33

I'm worried about becoming one of Those Parents too, and DS is still in preschool! (He's 5...American school. :) ) I'm already nervous about kindergarten in the fall and I'm sure I will have to restrain myself from Having A Word with the teacher often. Blush

And yet when he was a baby and I worked in our local kindergarten I remember thinking "Oh look at these ridiculous clingy parents, the kids will be fine " so maybe I should keep that in mind.

Dancergirl · 20/12/2012 19:36

OP, I do see your point and really feel for your dd. BUT has anyone on here every tried to actually organise a school play? It's a nightmare. From finding a suitable script to casting everyone and trying to keep everyone happy. Parents often say 'oh but they should be doing it like x, y or z' but in practice that may be very hard to achieve. And often teachers don't REMEMBER who had the starring roles last time or the dc could have had a different teacher or whatever.

She may not get to act but to be narrator means she must have a lovely speaking voice. I would encourage her to accept her part with good grace and work as part of a team. There will be plenty of acting opportunities at secondary school.

Shenanagins · 20/12/2012 19:41

I suggest that we form a flash mob and storm the school. while we are at it can we storm my old Sunday school as i never ever rose above being an angel. not that i am bitter about it in anyway, no not at all...sob