to have had a massive row with DH for "enabling" DH lazy ways?

[fatnfrumpy]

Our DD3 has been home from uni for 4 days.
She is the youngest and has always been spoilt, both of our faults!
She is the laziest and most untidy of our three. The other two now have there own places.
Since she has been home I have been in a bad mood because she has made the house a bombsite and I have constantly been nagging her to tidy up.
She has since sunday;-
left her dirty clothes on the bathroom floor,touching the linen basket!!
Left breakfast, lunch plates and half drunk tea cups in the lounge
put her washing in the machine, turned it on but left it in there.
She also asked me to not put up the xmas tree as it was her "job", I have had it up ready over two weeks with lights on and she has still not dressed it.
She spends allday with a throw over her on the settee watching American drivel on tv.
So this morning Dh marches up to me and tells me off for not making her feel welcome in her own home! He tells me "your just like your mother"
My Mother was a physco bitch that physically and emotionly abused me! So I am very very upset at that remark.
He has since tidied up after her and now neither of them are talking to me. In fact he said right now he would like to be anywhere but here with me.
We have a 99% successful marriage but when we argue, rarely, it is always a major blow up.
Funnily enough it used to about him taking his mothers side over mine but recently since she died him taking DD3 side.
If I had somewhere to go I think I would just leave them to it together.

'Aparantly I always belittle him in front of our three grown up kids'

The cheeky fuck! Can't he see how hypocritical that is? Maybe he shouldn't treat you like shit in front of your DD.

The alternative to not letting him give you a hug, is to let him hug you when you plainly don't want him to. Is that what he wants? To force you to obey him, and when he says it's over, that's when it'll be over? You're to fall in with whatever he decides?

Umm...no.

'DD said tonight are you taking your pills!'

And you DD using your mental health to insinuate that you're pulling her up on her rude, ungrateful behaviour because you're mentally ill, rather than because she's behaving like a naughty spoilt child, is totally below the belt (not to mention disrespectful, spiteful and aiming to cut to the bone).

How would this normally play out? Is it unusual for you to take a stand and you'd normally back down and go along with them?

You poor thing. Your h is behaving like a tosser.

Can you get away tomorrow for the day? Just spend some time on your own, don't worry about the house and family. Do some browsing, go to the cinema, library, art gallery and have a quiet meal out by yourself or with a friend? Come home for bedtime and repeat on Saturday (and maybe Sunday?). I've done that once when I was feeling very undervalued and unappreciated. Nothing special, just one evening late night shopping, one evening had a haircut and one evening worked late. Didn't ask to do this, just informed my h that I was doing it and left him to sort out the children and himself. Think he appreciated me more afterwards and I resolved to stop always putting myself last in the pecking order.

OP your "D"D is being a brat, and the remark about you taking your medication is abhorrent, and your DH should be supporting you not insulting you and using your background as a weapon against you. They should both be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Are your other children coming home for christmas? Will they be able to offer you some support?

Your dh is being a twat. My dh taking the kids side & letting them now in front if me is a no go!

How old is your daugher OP?

They are both so cruel. They are bullying you in your own home. I am sorry for you OP, can you seriously have a think about leaving for a while and staying with friends or in a hotel?

I was originally going to reply that your daughter sounds like a typical home-from-uni kid, struggling to fit back in with family life after the freedom of living alone at uni.

Now both she and your husband sound like absolutely vile twats, the pair of them. Is this usual behaviour from them both or is this a recent change in their behaviour?

Not ONE person on this thread has suggested YOU are being unreasonable - what does that tell you ?!

"Adult" or not, as (effectively) a guest in your home, or even if she lived there FT, your daughter should be showing both her parents some respect and pulling her weight like an adult should. And of course DH should be backing you up and presenting a united front. If he disagrees with any approach of yours he should raise that privately away from her and should obviously be furious that she's being so mean. But then with his nasty jibes about your mum it seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I don't get this ..... I can't see why he'd think her rudeness and laziness would be okay. Is there more going on you haven't told us about ? Sorry if being nosey but are there problems between the pair of you and he's now using DD to "get" at you and score points ?

Yes Stunt - sounds like the OP is being bullied.

I agree with the poster who said pick up all your dd's shit and put it in her room (including wet washing). Ad telling your dh you'll talk privately later.

How dare they talk to you like this. Remember, you are not in the wrong here, don't let them tell you that you are

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. You say that your daughter has only been home for 4 days and you admit yourself that you have been in a bad mood and constantly nagging since then. That can't be pleasant for anyone in the house.
The behaviour you describe - leaving a few dishes around, not emptying the washing machine, lounging round watching TV, all sounds like typical teenage behaviour. I'm sure I was exactly the same when I was home from Uni but my mum was just over the moon I was home - just like Everlong describes with her ds. There sounds like there is some underlying resentment towards your dd. I mean, is an untidy house that big a deal, worth the trauma it seems to be causing? Do you think you've overreacted with all the moodiness and nagging? Is your dh taking dds side because the atmosphere is unbearable?
Sounds like the 3 of you need to sit down and talk calmly to try and reslove all this before it ruins christmas.

I thought exactly the same initially xi. But the rudeness they've both shown the OP, ganging up on her, chiding her like a child, bringing up her absuive mother and mental health...very, very nasty.

You husbands
Behaviour sounds appalling op, have they bullied you before

Thx for all your replies.
Dh and DD went to bed at 12.30 am but they did both say goodnight.
I watched Tv until about 3.30am. This morning Dh has acted as if nothing is wrong. Bringing me cups of tea and kissing me.
He has suggested that we go for a nice long walk together at lunchtime, just the two of us. DD still in bed.
I am relieved that there is no atmosphere but am hiding the fact that I can.t believe he would hurt me like that in front of her.
He used to do this to me when his mother was alive though. I was the bad DIL and she was the perfect MIL.
I guess I will have to act as if it never happened too otherwise it will just carry on over to xmas.
My other DD1 and DS1 are coming for xmas on sunday with there partners.

Disputes / disagreements / hurt etc etc are so difficult at this time of year because no one wants to feel - or be accused(!) - of "spoiling" Xmas by insisting on a resolution even if they are in the right - as you seem to be !

I can understand you not wanting to do anything especially when your other kids come over and risk an atmosphere then but you must still feel terribly hurt and upset by their ganging up and below the belt remarks about pills and your horrid mother. Hitting you where it hurts.

However, I really don't think you can let this go on indefinitely. I'm afraid your DH seems to have a very nasty spiteful streak in him, e.g. about you and his mother, you and your mother, and obviously your youngest has picked up on that and thinks it's reasonable to throw in some nasty barbs of her own. He needs to understand that that's not on at all and I really hope he doesn't bully you and deliberately hurt you (cos I'm sure he knows damn well that your mother is a very touchy subject) in other ways. Do you think you can have a rational conversation with him about this after Xmas or will it all blow up again ? Would he agree to counselling maybe ? Or maybe you should do it on your own to decide what you want to do or how much you're prepared to put up with ?

You do not have to keep quiet. By doing that you are letting them both get away with it. You have done nothing wrong here. They have both behaved appallingly. Especially your dh

I would suggest to DD that if she wishes to be treated like she's in a hotel, then she gets off her arse and go and book into one.

They are a pair of dickheads. Can you afford to go to a bnb? I can't believe your DH is behaving like this. Fucking bully!

OP - there is so much about your posts that make me uncomfortable. The first is your user name. Please think about changing it - even if it is how you feel.

The many other things that worry me are:

• Your adult DD treats you as her skivvy.
• Your adult DD thinks it's acceptable to scream at you in your home
• Your DH put you down in front of his mother.
• Your DH puts you down in front of your DD.
• They both think this is acceptable.
• Your DH thinks it's OK to belittle the fact that you've been prescribed anti-Ds.
• Your reaction/hurt/feelings are ignored - because you are being 'silly' 'overreacting' 'too sensitive'. (See how DH pretends nothing has happened)

You are right that now may not be the time to confront, but I would spend some time considering that things have to change, but they have to start with you. No more coming last, no more appeasing and keeping everyone else happy.

Have you had counselling? I know you are on anti-D's and that you recognise that your mother was toxic - but have you ever explored with a counsellor how that has affected you and the way that relate to others.

What do your other children think? Can you ask them, tactfully, if they think you are too hard on DD and expect too much? It might be interesting to hear what they have to say.

Oh - and don't do your DD's washing. Scoop up any dirty clothes found lying around and put them in a bin bag under the stairs.

Op, I'm appalled at the way you've been treated.

for you. Remember, you deserve more than this.

OP My DH is a bit like this with one of our twin DDs. It drives me nuts and it's very upsetting. I can't help much more than that though. It seems to be a bit better now but she's home for Christmas at the moment and I feel it can all flare up again before she goes back. Lounge is bit of a tip with all her stuff just left there. Apparently if I say anything I am unreasonable. TBH I end up hiding away in the study or in bed.

They sound awful.

I think that whatevver you do will be wrong.

Can you go to one of your other daughter´s?