To insist that my mother attends a mediation session after yet another "blow out"

[AnnieDelores]

My mother stormed out of my house last night after a Hollywood style tantrum. She does this with my sister, her husband, one of her own sisters or me at least once every year or two. She has anger management issues and massive insecurities about being needed and it goes back to her childhood and the way she was treated as an unmarried Irish Catholic getting pregnant at 19. She had a tough childhood and transferred that onto me and my sister. She was frequently violent and impatient. I have never discussed this with her as it would tear her apart with guilt.

Since my son was born she has adored him. She seems to love him more than anything else. I embraced this and agreed to her offer to look after him 4 days a month. The problems stated when she started questioning our parenting decisions such as our choice to send him to nursery, "sleep training" how we manage his tantrums (he's 18 months) and how much time I spend with him. It's constant niggling remarks rather than direct criticism but somehow, that feels worse. For example, I'm constantly having to justify why he goes to nursery and not a childminder because she has such dickensian views of how they operate! I won't bore you with more details but I finally, calmly, said I'd had enough and felt constantly judged and not trusted to make the best decisions for my son. She flew into an irrational rage and said I will have to ask my nanny who starts in rage new year to take over her 4 days per month with my son. She sent me aggressive text messages this morning and I have not responded yet.

I do want her to see my son as he loves her, but I can't carry on my relationship with her unless she accepts some responsibility for her temper and the impact her nagging has on me. I'm emotionally exhausted. AIBU to insist on a mediation session before we pick up where we left off? In the past she has always gone silent fir a few weeks / months then carries on as if nothing happened.

Sorry, need to orrect my sentence "She flew into an irrational rage and said I will have to ask my nanny who starts in rage new year to take over her 4 days per month with my son" to "She flew into an irrational rage and said I will have to ask my nanny who starts in the new year to take over her 4 days per month with my son."

YANBU to expect something to change before you can continue having a relationship with her. She sounds like she's really bringing you down/stressing you out.

My PILs are prone to this kind of thing too (FIL had a similarly traumatic childhood). We spent years trying to reason with them and then things went seriously pearshaped and they didn't speak to us for 6 months. I had a free telephone counselling service through work so I used that as we were at a total loss as to know what to do.

The counsellor was so helpful. The strategy we came up with was to totally ignore this unreasonable behaviour. Don't respond to the nasty text messages. If they start uncomfortable conversations then change the subject, pretend you misheard or that your lo needs something or leave the room. If they start kicking off on the phone (a speciality of my PILs) then make an excuse ("Oh dd's crying - got to go!") and hang up. Smile throughout

I was a bit sceptical but I have to tell you this really works. But you have to be very consistent about it (good practice for dealing with a toddler .)

You cannot change your mother and (and this bit was key in my understanding of the situation) she may not be capable of being reasonable in the way you understandably want her to. But you are in absolute control of how you respond to her.

You should absolutely NOT be justifying your parenting decisions about your child.

Good luck and HTH.

I would be very wary of leaving my child alone with someone like this to be honest. You know how she treats children because you were at the receiving end of it. I know it appears that she loves your DS more but clearly she is determined to do things her own way and is unlikely to listen to you if you object to anything she does with him that you don't agree with.

You don't have accommodate her behaviour. She is a grown adult. It might be worth asking for mediation but I think you have to be realistic about how effective that will be.

I don't think my son is at any risk. She adores him and plays with him all day long. It's like he's a "second chance" for her to get it right. She can't stop talking about him and buying him presents. If anything, she loves him too much. That's why she's her own worst enemy and cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Fair enough. IMO that sort of obsessive love, combined with her unwillingness to respect you as a parent, isn't good for your DS. In your shoes I wouldn't trust her because I wouldn't be entirely certain that she would do what was in DS's best interests- you've already clashed over sleep and tantrums. Is she in favour of the harsher methods?

I think her role as the carer here is causing all types of problems, not least because she is a bit over-attached and so instead of having cooperative parenting amongst all that care for him, you have stress and division.

I think the nanny doing her four days might be better anyway, but if you arrange this, then let her know she is still welcome as a granny into the home.

With very childish parents, you have to be calm and adult, decide what you want to happen, then let them know. Make a decision over the four days and let her know, but also let her know what you would like to happen (so, it would be great to see you every second Sunday, X loves seeing you) and repeat it like a broken record. Hope it goes ok, you need to stop the power struggle now, you have asserted you are in charge, so carry on being in charge and decide what you would like to happen.

I am not sure about mediation, surely you can't insist on this anyway? If she is a loving positive granny, but with a bad temper when challenged, this need not affect her grandparenting in the future, but you will need to set your own boundaries.

How do you think your mum will be with ds when he gets a bit older, less cute, more of a mind of his own, etc? What if he doesn't want to do what she wants to do? What age do you think he will reach before she starts to criticise and rage at him?

I think you should arrange for the nanny do all the care. Sit out your mum's sulk, and when she comes back pretending nothing happened, tell her you need to talk about her rage/aggression/criticism.

Do you think she will listen to your suggestion of mediation/talking about her behaviour? Or will that send her off on another rage & sulk?

You might have to go a few rounds of that before she realises you're serious and that shouting and then ignoring you won't get her what she wants. All of that will be a lot easier if you're not letting her do childcare.

There Are way too many issues here for a mediation session.

I agree with the poster who asks what is going to happen when ds is less compliant.

Wow. Didn't think I'd get so much support, but thanks for the advice. I agree that I need to cut her out of the childcare regime which she has already said she wants me to do...albeit in the midst of her rage. I will offer her contact with DS for some "Granny time". Perhaps I can write her a letter a in a few weeks after the dust has settled explaining why something has to change. That way she can consider her response before reacting.

All this and I'm getting married in June. Also having to consider a small wedding now as she was going to pay for a chunk of it and I don't want to have to rely on her to pay the bill. Very sad as we chose the venue together.

This might sound like I'm stretching it too far, but I get the sense that she is worried there might be part of her in me and that I might treat my son like she treated me. This is quite ludicrous because I cant think of anything worse and feel sick thinking of some of the things she did to me. I think mum worries I'm too cold and not devoted to DS because I go to work 4 days a week and send him to nursery, don't pick him up every time he wants me to, allow him to work though his tantrums by staying calm and close by and not giving in, and make sure he is happy to be held by different people and not just me. Perhaps she interprets that as a lack of interest when in fact, I'm helping him to become independent enough to cope with a little brother or sister next year.

Annie I don't know what's going on, perhaps she's worried you will turn into her or perhaps she's always been quite controlling of you and this is just an extension of that. But, you do need to continue to be the calm adult and just outline that she has to behave nicely if she wants to continue to be in your family.

Does she recognise that the way she treated you was wrong? Has she apologised to you?

It is possible that any style of parenting that you choose would be wrong in her eyes, because she has to be better than you.

And better a small relaxed wedding than a big stressed one!

Annie from what you have said, you absolutely need to stop using your mother for childcare.

Many, many parents go out to work and 4 days a week is far from unusual.

It does not sound healthy for your DS to spend much time with her, particularly once he gets a bit older and starts to challenge any of her behaviours.

Do not accept her money for the wedding. It would be fine if there were no strings attached, but far far better that you have a cheaper wedding than your mother continues to have a financial hold over your family.

Thanks for all the advice. It seems everyone is generally in agreement which is helpful. I still haven't heard from my mother and am not going to get in touch just yet.

She has always been allowed to get away with these tantrums but this time, I will tell her we need to talk about it and that her behaviour is not acceptable before we resume our relationship.

Unfortunately, I'm committed to the wedding as I've paid the deposit and past the cancellation stage. I will have to find the money somewhere even if it's a loan. That said, I need to stick by my guns as this can't go on, as you all say.