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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go out this much

18 replies

manchester04 · 18/12/2012 23:47

Dh has been working from home this week and expressed surprise at "how little I am home". We have 3 dc, 2 at school and a 3 1/2 monh old.
Monday was dd nativity play, xmas party for little one and cub function for ds in evening.
Today nativity play for ds and party for bumps and babes group I go to.
The rest of the week I will mostly be home apart from a little shopping.
Aibu to think this is not excessive given it is last week of term.
I get the feeling he is hinting that me going out is the reason why the house is a little untidy and ironing a bit behind. However, I feel dc are the most important thing and I wouldn't be behind if I had some help.
Thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 19/12/2012 00:53

he'd like you to sit in the house, growing depressed and not providing any stimulation for your children? he's a prat.
maybe he was just genuinely surprised.
if he wants the house tidy he can pay for a cleaner. your job is childcare and no-one else can be their mum.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 19/12/2012 01:44

Er, he does realise Christmas is round the corner, and it's generally quite a sociable time of year, with end of term activities too? I assume everyone's fed and clothed adequately, and nobody's lost under the clean-but-waiting-to-be-ironed laundry. Perhaps when he stops being busy he could pitch in and help blitz the place when the DCs are in bed. Sounds like he's getting the office environment confused with home.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 19/12/2012 01:51

umm, does he really expect you to stay in to do washing and tidying when you can be out talking with actual adult people and being entertained by small children in funny costumes?

BelleoftheFall · 19/12/2012 09:01

Tbh if the house is only "a little" untidy and the ironing "a bit" behind, then there's no reason he can't do it himself if he has higher standards. He has hands, doesn't he?

impty · 19/12/2012 09:04

Dh is not your line manager you know. End of term is always busy...
He can help out if he wants!

whois · 19/12/2012 10:04

YANBU being out so much! Preferable to being at home.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 19/12/2012 10:20

Maybe he's just surprised-pleased? I know my DH had no idea of the social whirl that is parenting a small child

If however he does mean 'you should stay home and do the ironing' you can tell him to fuff off, can't you?

bedmonster · 19/12/2012 11:15

This is always the busiest week of the year for me. 2 nativities, kids Xmas parties - food to send in and mufti days, school topic fayre, school church visit, their Xmas dinners, their cake making contest, as well as toddler ds Xmas party and a million other things. I have been out all day pretty much since mid last week.
Presumably you are a sahm in which case, the kids stuff comes first.
If you're anything like me its unusual to be out this much at other times of the year so I catch up on house stuff then no big deal. Your Dp ibu.

bedmonster · 19/12/2012 11:17

Sorry, your dh not Dp.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 19/12/2012 11:22

you're a Mother first, a cleaner, ironer and cook come... wherever! as long as the house is clean not necessarily tidy, then you should definitely be going out, kids need stimulation, not sitting watching c-beebies while you iron their pants!

INeedThatForkOff · 19/12/2012 11:26

You're making an assumption about his reason for commenting. Just ask him if that's what he meant. If it is, he's BU. If not, it's not an issue.

Original poster

manchester04 · 21/12/2012 01:35

Sorry to bump but an update. I admitted tonight that I needed more help and I was told that I wouldn't need help if I didn't go out so much. He can't possibly do any more as his work/commute is 13 hours Monday/Friday.He is also quite stressed at the moment so doing any more will make it worse.
Now he does help a little. Will cook a meal at weekends. Had loaded the dishwasher a few times and changed a handful of nappies. O and occassionally does a supermarket shop.

OP posts:

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 21/12/2012 08:34

If somebody lived alone s/he would food shop at least couple of times a week for themselves. They'd cook a meal (for1) at weekends, wash up or load and empty a dishwasher more than once.

They'd also pick up after themselves, put on washing and clean kitchen and bathroom surfaces not to mention drop off dry cleaning, vacuum and put petrol in the car if they drove. Thst's the least they'd do.

So yes your DH is working and earning for the 5 of you, excellent. But he isn't setting the world alight by the little he does around the place when he's home.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 21/12/2012 08:40

You need to get out of the mindset of him helping and into the mindset of him pulling his weight. Point out to him he wouldn't expect a childminder to come round and clean the house so it's not purely your job either.

If the house isn't tidy to His standards then he can pull his finger out and his head out of his arse and do a little more than he usually does. As Theoxen has pointed out if he was on his own he'd have to do it all. Your children are more important than keeping the house tidy.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 21/12/2012 09:12

You need to get out, fresh air is good for you. Why should't you see at least one other adult a day? Your time is measured by the school clock, and your 'freedom' is curtailed by your youngest. Newsflash: 3.5 month olds aren't very handy with an iron or squeezy mop!

I daresay your DH doesn't zap to work in a tardis. He gets free thinking time in 13 hour commutes, stimulating hours getting paid for it. Why, he probably chats with other adults, has hot beverages and lunch without feeding his colleagues, I'm guessing they've grown out of nappies too!

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 21/12/2012 09:13

Oh, forgot, he has work-free weekends, bank holidays and annual leave too!

Original poster

manchester04 · 21/12/2012 09:31

Really good point theoxen. He had his own house before we go together so he should know how much work it entails.

OP posts:

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 21/12/2012 11:12

As Chaotic (great full nname btw) said, it's not helping (or babysitting), it's life in a family.

If you're not going back to work eventually, you and he need to agree on how you co-exist, share work, appreciate each other's efforts while one of you is home and unpaid, and the other holds down a job.

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