to not want to stay with somebody I don't know?

[porridgewithalmondmilk]

I have an appointment at a fertility clinic abroad coming up, and a friend has said she will come with me. I have paid for the flights and for a hotel room the night before (the airport is not local to us and the flight is early! )

My friend then sent a text to say she'd "arranged" accommodation at the place we're going to. It turned out she has a friend over there and has arranged for us to stay there. But the friend is quite a trek from the clinic and to be honest I get nervous in other people's homes as it is.

Am I being really ungrateful if I try to rearrange and stay in a hotel near the clinic? I don't think I am but want to make sure.

No YANBU

I don't even like staying in B&Bs because it's like paying to stay with strangers in their house.

It's always a hotel room for me.

YANBU, but neither is your friend.

Good luck.

Thanks Worra :)

To be honest I really feel she should have asked me first, rather than assuming I'd be OK with it, but then I think she was probably trying to be nice and save us money, but it won't because by the time train/taxi fares are factored it will work out as roughly the same.

Thanks Horatia :)

you need your space and you need to know your accommodation is reliable. hotel for you.

YANBU - you'll be stressed enough without having to deal with other people's friends and a long trek to the clinic. Your friend probably hasn't thought it through very clearly.

YANBU

You could do without any additional stress. If she's any kind of friend at all she'll understand why you don't want to stay in someone else's home. You'll not exactly be in the mood for smalltalk will you?

Anonymous hotel room all the way. Good luck.

YANBU, you need to be as relaxed as possible, but i'd think friend was most likely just trying to make it a more "homely" stay than a hotel thinking you would prefer it.
So as long as she doesn't push the point then she isnt BU either.

Good luck!!!

Thank you :) I'll have to try and tell her nicely now that I don't want to stay with her friend

sparkly - I think she was thinking it would be cheaper, but didn't factor in the train/taxi costs, and plus I do want to relax which I just can't properly in somebody else's house, especially someone I don't know.

Trying to think how to phrase it now! Do you think if I just say - "I've booked a hotel so we're not stressing about trains" it is rude? After all, it's my "holiday" (not really a holiday, but you know!)

YANBU. I can e see exactly why you would rather stay in a hotel rather with someone's friend. You might not feel like talking or socialising with others and that's fair enough. It was thoughtless of your friend to do this without checking with you first

I think the main point is that this is not a holiday. Your friend should understand that you don't want to have to be in someone else's space.

I think you need to be honest. If you say the problem is the trains, your friend might try to solve that problem (possibly by arranging a lift from her friend, for example!). But it's not the real problem, so misleading to say it is.

Just say something like "I'm really sorry, but I was looking forward to being in the hotel. This is a bit of an emotional time for me and I'd rather be in neutral surroundings. I don't mean to be rude, I do appreaciate you were trying to help, and if this was a normal holiday I'd love to meet your friend. But the idea of being in someone else's space, and having to be polite to them, together with long train journeys just sounds like hard work to me right now. I really just want to stay in the hotel. Sorry to be awkward, I'm sure you understand."

Thank you aname that's perfect. :)

I really appreciate you taking the time to think that through for me.

Vivienne - thank you too. Emotional sums it up nicely, it's a happy and exciting time but yes, it is emotional and I think she's overlooked that and just seen it as a holiday.

If she's coming on a trip to support you with your appointment, that is paid for by you, then she should be looking to make the trip as easy as possible for you. She should not be treating it as a free flight across Europe so that she can visit her mate.

Thanks outraged :)

We stayed in a self-catering apartment, arranged by the clinic, both times. It was better imo than hotel or staying with someone.

Where was yours Phiney?

She may have been trying to save you money, when you're paying for her hotel. But obviously she wasn't thinking through the cost of travel to her friends if that was the case. I would think she would understand it once you explain. And you could always offer/suggest she goes to see her friend for the night if you would welcome a little space/time to relax in the hotel. You'll know yourself if you're more likely to want some space or company.

I think she was montage but she has put me in a really awkward position as now she's asked this friend of hers if we can stay with her and arranged it all, then told me it was all arranged.

If she'd asked first I'd have just been able to say "ooh do you know, I'd rather ..." but now it's going to involve un-doing what is already done. I think it's that I'm a little bit put-out about, although I know the intentions were probably good it was still really thoughtless.

I wouldn't worry about the undoing. It's not something you asked for and I wouldn't take on the feeling of responsibility for it. I would try not to give it much thought tbh after you have politely declined the offer. Treat it as an invitation that you act grateful for but will be declining at this time.

Well...it's up to you, and obviously you need to do what you're comfortable with, but in all honesty it would never occur to me not to want to stay with friends of friends.

Remember there is a chance that she hasn't got as much 'undoing' to do as you think she might have.

It's reasonable that she might have been extra reassuring to you that it was all sorted if she didn't want you to go ahead with booking a hotel, even if she still has to confirm and make the logistical arrangements.

Mother, it's having to be sociable I suppose when I think I'll just want to chill, I don't mean I'm not sociable normally but I am a poor traveller and won't be up to polite small talk after a 4 a.m start, flight, fertility clinic appointment, long train journey and taxi ride: would far rather go to the hotel, have a nap and then a nice chilled afternoon/meal. :)

We are all different of course as it wouldn't occur to me to feel comfortable if you see what I mean!

I understand OP, going through an emotional time, you basically need a temporary neutral space that you can shut the world in. Im sure your friend will understand, being you dont know this person, you may not know what the household habits are and such, and that wouldnt be good.

I have three people in the world whos houses I am happy to stay in, my DM, and two of my closest friends.

Anywhere else it would have to be a hotel!