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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be beside myself with fury at husband and ow?

22 replies

Halfcups · 18/12/2012 17:14

My husband and I have been separated for a year. We have three children 6, 4 and 2. Divorce proceedings have started. Stbx has been seeing another woman, also married, for a year. Seeing her before leaving me. My ds is in his first Christmas show at school and his dad has taken ow away on a romantic break to Scotland so will not be here for the performance. My son is so upset. I ve told him daddy is working. But my ds has been bullied at school recently and has been so low this has been the final straw. On top of this at the weekend my son had precious time alone with his dad but my stbx then text this ow and she met them. His dad did not introduce her but my son knew something was nt right and told her that his mummy and daddy still kiss lots. This is nt true! I hate to think of my little boy trying to salvage his mummy and daddy's relationship to this witch of a woman. Makes me want to cry. I expect my husband to be insensitive, it s his middle name, but I can't cope with my son being put in such an awkward position. How can I channel my anger without turning into a crazy woman? I am so hateful towards my Stbx and his selfish girlfriend all I want to do is confront them. Help me keep my dignity please!

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 18/12/2012 17:18

I know it's hard because you're understandably angry, but he has to introduce this woman to the kids at some time....and they've been together a year so it's obviously a serious relationship.

Lots of parents have to work and miss Christmas plays, I'm sure your DS will be over the moon to see you there.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/12/2012 17:22

Didn't want to read and run. Am so sorry - your stbx sounds like a total dickhead. There's very little you can do about it, apart from continue to do what you are doing for your son, which is to be the parent who puts him first.

Hopefully someone else will have more concrete advice

JustFabulous · 18/12/2012 17:27

Your little boy sounds very grown up Sad and clearly loves you very much Smile. Your ex is a twat.

Channel your anger into kick boxing lessons and imagine his face on the pummel thingy (technical term). You'll be even hotter before long and will be fighting them off. He will still be a twat.

Speak to school about the bullying and make them stop it.

JeezyOrangePips · 18/12/2012 18:36

If he's been with her for a year before he introduced her to him, that's actually very good. Shows a responsibility missing from many relationships.

You seem to be blaming her. Granted, she shouldn't have started seeing a married man, but HE is the one to blame. He is the husband and the father. She has no responsibilities to your son, and has no reason to worry about dates of school plays. That's for him to do.

Your anger is entirely justified - your ex should put his children first. But he is within his rights to introduce her, and he did wait a year. Did he know thd date of thd play before he booked to go away?

Original poster
Halfcups · 18/12/2012 18:37

Thanks for the advice so far. I feel so hurt that he chooses another man's wife over his own children. I can just see him doing hurtful things forever and it feels totally overwhelming that we re all going to be affected by this for so long. I m struggling to cope with this.

OP posts:
Alligatorpie · 18/12/2012 18:42

I am sorry you are going through this. I don't have anything to offer you in terms of advice, but didn't want to read and run.

JeezyOrangePips · 18/12/2012 18:47

The fact he has chosen her over you is not a reflection on you - it's a sign that he's an arse.

The fact that she would be with someone that is married is a sign that she deserves a man that would cheat on his partner.

Do you really want to still be with someone that would do that? Don't you think you deserve someone that will treat you with respect?

You are much better off alone than with someone that would have an affair while with you. It must be hard with such young children, but it does get easier. You need to start forging the life you want. Do the things you enjoy that you didn't do when you were with him. Take advantage of the times he has the children - make sure he takes them all at once so you get time too.

MsVestibule · 18/12/2012 18:48

Apart from the fact that she was seeing a man she knew to be married with 3 children, why is his girlfriend selfish? I don't see anything wrong with introducing her after a year; it does actually show a level of responsibility. Regarding the school play, did he know the date? Perhaps the weekend away has been planned for a long time?

I can really, really see why you are feeling bitter about everything they do, (I know I would in your shoes) but IMO, I don't see either of these examples are particularly bad.

What an awful time you're going through Sad; things will get better, although I know it doesn't seem that way now.

JeezyOrangePips · 18/12/2012 18:49

Sorry, misread - I see you said her over his children. That's an even bigger sign of an arse.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 18/12/2012 18:50

No advice I'm afraid but your little DS sounds a sweetheart, must take after his mum not dad. Expect this felt like the last straw following the upset at school. Assume you have raised the bullying with his teacher, are you satisfied they are taking steps?

Hard as it is try not to let this couple get under your skin, easier said than done I know. I am so sorry, but however long the OW is in his life, your DCs will always be his children. Focus on your DCs, their father could be a selfish arse all his life but your DCs need a strong dependable mother, keep going you are doing great.

peaceandlovebunny · 18/12/2012 18:53

my ex was always away for my daughter's birthday. bastard. quite likely his second and third wives had something to do with it, but he could have, at any time, said 'no, i want to see my daughter...' and he didn't.

get used to it. do all you can to boost your son's self esteem. you don't have to say anything against the dad or the girlfriend - son will work it out for himself over time. daughter hasn't spoken to her dad for nine years.

peaceandlovebunny · 18/12/2012 18:54

oh, when he could manage to be around near her birthday or christmas, his idea of a gift was to let her watch him draw some money out of the cash machine and hand it to her.

freemanbatch · 18/12/2012 18:56

Is she still married and living with her husband?

If she's not than he's waited a year and your son will have to get used to it sometime not that its part of loan parenting I'm looking forward to facing so I understand your upset about it. If she's still with her husband then that is a different matter because she's not in a position to become a part of his life properly and therefore there is no need for them to meet at this stage.

Original poster
Halfcups · 18/12/2012 19:03

The trouble is with my stbx is that he is a compulsive liar so when he told me he was only seeing her casually I believed it and then there is no need for our children to be involved with her. As for the ow according to my husband she has had several affairs behind her husbands back so with this info I didn't want the children to be involved with her. I am furious with her and him. A couple of self centered prats that are breaking the hearts of six children between them and lying, cheating on their respective spouses. I don t know what I can do for the best

OP posts:
MissCellania · 18/12/2012 19:09

Is she still married?

Original poster
Halfcups · 18/12/2012 19:14

I suppose this example might not seem so hardcore compared to some I ve read on here but there are plenty more which continue to break my heart but av nt got the energy to is discuss here. I really want help on working out how to cope with all this rage I feel. I don t want him back after all he s done but I have low self esteem as our eight year relationship was so abusive. I have had counselling from relate but just had to stop as I can t afford it. I think I ll have to start again before I go crazy. I want to pick up my kids and runaway. I m sick of being so reasonable...

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfcups · 18/12/2012 19:21

Yes she is still married. She works shifts as a sister in a hospital so I suppose shift work/overtime can hide secret meetings with him as its not routine.

OP posts:
TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 18/12/2012 19:22

I hate to think of my little boy trying to salvage his mummy and daddy's relationship yy all the more if this was abusive. Sounds like you may be well rid, in a perverse way she may have done you a favour, sorry if that's not how you see it.

MissCellania · 18/12/2012 19:24

Then its not a case of him introducing them to a legit girlfriend, but basically bringing small children along to tawdry meetings with his married, cheating, skanky-ass fuckbuddy?
Ewwww. Not good for the children and no wonder you're fucked off. I'd be documenting this in court and seeking supervised contact if I were you.

Original poster
Halfcups · 18/12/2012 19:34

Thanks missCellania I think you re on my angry wavelength ! You re right theoxen she has done me a favour. But how do I move forward when I still ave to communicate with him about the children?

OP posts:
butterfingerz · 18/12/2012 19:41

Wow, what lowlifes... don't give them a second thought. Your son will have the most important person in his life at the play, you.

Original poster
Halfcups · 18/12/2012 20:55

Thanks everyone some wise words. Hugs to you all xxxx

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