To be working out the family arrangements for NEXT Christmas

[noseynoonoo]

My family don't do family Christmas together

DSis always wanted to have her little family on their own at their house. DP's would have me before I was married. They have a 2 bedroom house so not able to have us for Christmas these days. Since DH were married we have invited both sets to come to us (separately).

Anyhow, DSis's DH left her so she is now more keen on family Christmas. She invited DPs to stay this year but they said no. My dad wants to stay at home and my mum believes a good 1950s wife should do as her man says. Me, DH and DCs will go to DSis just on Boxing Day because I invited us over (she won't come to us).

We have invited my DPs 4 times now - they usually say no because dad wants to stay at home. They came one year but my dad made such a fuss - totally acting like a 5 yr old who wasn't king of his own castle.

Anyway, DM has been getting the violins out - poor her, just wanting to see her grandchildren at Christmas - like me and DSIS have been keeping her away from them. DM has 2 ideas now:

1. We all go to her next year. This will involve grandchildren staying at her house and adults staying in B&B (at our expense). There genuinely isn't room for us all in the lounge, round the table and I don't want to wake up on Christmas day without my children.

2. We rent a house together. I am not sure that she realises how much a 5 bedroom rental is over Christmas but DH is not too impressed because we'll have to pay over half of it.

The other option is they come to our house. We have plenty of space for everyone.

AIBU to want to make my suggestion?

Just do Christmas with whonever is willing to make an effort. Your parents are the awkward party. Tough shit.

The problem is that if I say 'no I don't want to be separated from my children at Christmas' or 'no I don't want to pay for everyone to stay at a big house in the country' I will be the baddie for keeping my DPs from their beloved grandchildren - seriously, the violins are warming up already.

Due to finances it isn't a viable option. There is the option of coming to.ours and we'd love to have you.

Repeat.

This happened with my parents due to my dad being very difficult. I felt sorry for my mum but ultimately the ball was in her court. She could come without him, she could stand up to him and tell him that they were coming to us and he had to behave properly, or she could have Christmas without her grandchildren (we did always go up for a day at some point over the holiday period.).

Out of the whole family she was the only one who had voluntarily chosen to be related to my dad. I did feel for her but not enough to incur unnecessary expense or to detract from my children's Christmas. I'd had my fill of stressful, angst ridden Christmases as a child. I sure as hell was not going to inflict them on my own children.

I think you should avoid being emotionally blackmailed. It isn't satisfactory to be separated from your DC early Christmas morning, and there is no room for all of you to eat comfortably at the DP's. Renting a larger house for all of you is fine if you can afford it, and neutral territory can help ensure that everyone pitches in and helps.

You have a spacious enough house to enable everyone to stay and enjoy Christmas together, and are willing to host. I think when you present your DP's with the costs for a shared house they will drop that idea, so you will just have to persuade them that it's your house or not at all. Don't feel guilty about it, you will have made the generous offer and if they don't accept that is their problem. Actually, I think your dad is the problem as it seems what he says goes and he has form for making a fuss, so he is the real reason why DM doesn't see her DGC.

Thank you for your comments - you've put it in perspective for me. I will use SoleSource's line - but I might say if my mum pushes the point that it is really generous of her and dad to offer to pay for a Christmas rental; they are famously tight so this will have them choking on their cornflakes.
I am absolutely not discussing not waking up with my children on Christmas Day.

No - both options sound unpleasant and expensive.

We always had Christmas Day at my grandparents because my Grandad refused to have Christmas anywhere else. It was ok as a child because my cousins were there too, but as I got older it struck me that he was being selfish and unfair if he expected everyone to come to theirs every Christmas day.

Stick to your guns. Your DM can come or not come, but don't put yourself in a position where you don't see your own children first thing on Christmas morning.

TBH, renting a house is probably a non-starter if your dad won't budge from his own home for Christmas, regardless of the cost issue. But it would be funny to observe his reaction to being the one forking out so generously!

Seriously, if your parents are famously tight, it seems odd that they wouldn't take full advantage of your hospitality at your home (no cooking and shopping, minimal cost.)

Out of the whole family she was the only one who had voluntarily chosen to be related to my dad

what a FAB line!!!

But coming to ours costs them about £100 in petrol etc (you'd think it was free if we do it). In the same way my DSis has never been to our house. It is such a long way for her to come and her (now ex-) husband worked so hard during the week (like we had some special transporter that got us to hers in 2 minutes and only after my DH had been twiddling his thumbs all week).

You know the more I think about it, I don't know why I'm bothering! I think I'll send out an email in the New Year saying they are welcome at ours and they can stew and bitch about it amongst themselves and come up with some cr@p reason to say no. Sod 'em.