Ho ho ho... Not very

[leelteloo]

Am I being unreasonable to be upset that dh has bought no gifts and now told me there is no money to buy me a pressy. Wouldn't really mind if he was the sort to get the dd to make me a card out of lentils but I'll get no card and no pressys from anyone and he still has money to go out and get drunk!

why has he got money for going out on the piss?

I know squeaky, it's all kinds of wrong . I need to leave him but just had a baby so not ready to do it just yet. So my own fault really, I should get out but just haven't the strength just yet but then I guess I shouldn't winge. Just feel bit sad and alone tonight. Sorry

Do you have access to the money? If so, then bloody tell him to hand some over and go and get yourself a present out of it. Do you have family that you could go to for Christmas and while you find the strength and support to either kick him out or leave him?

maybe he is going to surprise you and is doing the whole pretending to be an arse thing? long shot but....

if not, hope you haven't got him anything - 'oh... thought we had decided not to do presents this year!?'

and if that is the case and you have got him something already take it back and treat yourself with the money/ give it to someone else/ use it/ wear it yourself

Thanks hatgirl, good plan. But part of who makes me me is being thoughtful and getting pressys for people. I won't be returning his gifts, the children need to have presents for their dad. I just feel sad I've ended up with a man who doesn't think they might also want to give a gift to their mummy. I got nothing on Mother's Day, the cards were left unwritten and on the hall chair and are now in the card box to be recycled for my mum in years to come. I'm just upsetting myself with this thread. My choice to be here so as I said I shouldn't be moaning. I just feel low tonight.

Oh god someone burn the tiny violins. Crapping on about gifts when families have lost their babies. Ignore me, big grown up lady, who does not need Christmas presents and should know a lot better than winging on mn, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Yes but it's not about the presents is it? It's about the fact that he prioritises going out on the piss over buying you something to show he cares. Have you told him how hurtful that is?

You must feel so low on his list on priorities.

if DCs are young they won't understand the value of presents so something small for you will have the same impact. In your situation I would be very tempted to spend the money on a spa day/ manicure/ mother and baby pamper or even just a nice lunch out for myself and treat it as the treat you deserve from him.

In your situation though (because I am me and you are you) - You (He!!!) can be thoughtful without spending money - perhaps suggest that if he doesn't have the money to spend this year that he takes over childcare duties for a weekend to allow you to spend time with friends/ family or perhaps cooks for the week or runs you a nice bath with candles every friday night for a month etc etc. All free things that actually might mean a lot more than a present that has been bought for the sake of buying a present to save face at Christmas. Yes the fact that you have had to suggest he does these nice things in the first place undermines the idea of it a bit, but if he isn't even prepared to do something nice for free then you really do have grounds to LTB. Unfortunately some men don't know they are effing born can be a little inconsiderate and unthinking but it doesn't make them completely crap overall.

Let me get this right ... you bought mother's day cards and left them out for him to write and he didn't even bother?

He has money to spend on drink but won't buy you a Christmas present?

Who got the kids stuff? Has he done anything at all?

My DH isn't perfect either btw - he doesn't buy presents unless I take him by the hand and point out what I'd like but he does at least buy cards.

for you

Never mind the tiny violins, you are allowed to have them playing right now! You need a hug and everyone should be reminded of their importance, andhow loved they are by those who are supposed to love them. If leaving is what you intend to do, take strength from the fact that you an in control of that and can leave you are quite ready! Treat yourself

You need to be telling him exactly how this makes you feel.

Is he crap in other ways? Some men do find buying cards and presents a pita ( no excuse) but does he do nice things for you in other ways? Sort of guessing not.

Don't be sad, if he's truly a selfish twat in every way then you need to re think why you are with him but I assume you know that allready.

Hugs from this mumsnet girl anyway.

people can be selfish twattish idiots but it doesn't stop you from loving them. OP clearly has enough of a relationship with said male to have a child with him therefore there must be something there. I say take a stand see if it is complacency and if not have some serious words. I don't think it is worth splitting up with your DCs children someone just because they have a crap attitude to presents (my DF has only bought my DM 2 presents in 27 years of marriage and they are still going strong) but if everything else is also crap and he doesn't care about you at all then start planning an exit strategy.

Not everyone's good at the whole gift thing, I agree it's sad about the Mother's Day cards, it could just mean he wasn't brought up to think that way, rather than he's automatically an insensitive clod.

Do you mind me asking, is the drinking just over the festive season or is it a regular issue?

Seriously, you just focus on you and your girls and when you feel strong enough, see what's what, you can look into a life without him if things don't pick up.

You have your DDs, sounds like you still have your mum, other family? friends in rl? fwiw you have us, you are not alone.

Presents-wise are you the poster who really would love a pony... rings a bell. I am sorry about the presents, whinge away, I'd be hurt too.

If he has money for beer he has money for a small present. He is choosing to prioritise other things over you. But then I think you know that. Sorry you got stuck with such a thoughtless twat :(

Oh poor you. It sounds miserable, & it's not just the present is it?

Have a pressie anyway

I haven't had a decent christmas gift from DP in 22 years! One year, the only present that I had to open on christmas morning was a £1 shop calculator from DGM! Nowadays I just let him know what he has bought me, after Ive bought it myself!

Thanks everyone. Pretty much everything is wrong in the relationship and do have a deep exit 'wish' if not a strategy yet. It's never really about just the gift: I guess I'm feeling low and unloved and the lack of thought is polarising things. I bumble along most of the time focusing on the dc as they are the reason I'm not leaving yet. It is my choice to stay so I shouldn't complain. And a pony would be nice lol but actually I settle for something from the pound shop that him and dd chose and wrapped up together: is never going to happen even though I told him that's what I would like. He is a selfish binge drinking waste of space but I married him, so what's that make me...stupid?

leelteloo, if you fell down, would you say, 'oh, stupid me, better stay down here!'. Or would you try to get back up and carry on?

You can't get back the years you've spent with him, but you have a helluva lot of good years ahead of you. You have the right to enjoy them.

Do you really want to spend those years with him?

Do you want your children to see marriage as being between an unhappy woman and 'a selfish binge drinking waste of space'?

If everything is wrong in the relationship, and you're unhappy, then staying together will just make everyone miserable. Don't fall into the trap of staying for the children. They pick up on every nuance and it will create a horrible atmosphere for you all. I don't agree with the term broken home, but I can say from experience, I'd rather be from a broken home, than living in one.

If the only thing standing between you and happiness is an exit strategy, then post on the relationships board and women who have walked that path can offer you tailored advice.

I know fenix and thanks, I agree with everything you say. I know what I have to do and won't stay for the kids long term just while baby is so little. I've got amazing rl friends and family who will support me and mn of course.
I was thinking that in the summer I'll get my self a plan and get myself out while I still have some sense of self intact.