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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with PILs about this

30 replies

Bicnod · 17/12/2012 19:56

This morning FIL and stepMIL looked after DS1 (3.5) and DS2 (17 months) as I had to work at short notice. It's very kind of them to step in and I'm very grateful for their support (they are always asking to have the DC so it's good for them and good for me).

I have had a big trip to see Father Christmas planned this afternoon/early evening at a local wildlife park for months for DS1. We went with a friend of mine and her son who DS1 gets on well with. Tickets were expensive, it's a big treat, we took them for pizza afterwards.

PILs knew about this as after I finished work at lunchtime they were going to carry on looking after DS2 and put him to bed so I could take DS1 out. They knew he was going to see Father Christmas.

Just got home from a lovely afternoon/evening with DS1. It was lovely, and magical, but he was not at all bothered about meeting Father Christmas which I thought was a bit strange.

Then FIL drops into the conversation on our return, 'oh yes, he met Father Christmas this morning when we took him and DS2 to

OP posts:
FoxyRevenger · 17/12/2012 19:59

Hmm. Ok. I don't think it honestly matters all that much. My DD has now met him 3 times in one week and doesn't seem bored by it or blase. She was still excited, got a wee gift each time etc. I think it was nice of them.

TwitchyTail · 17/12/2012 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annunziata · 17/12/2012 20:01

I think you are overreacting a bit. Probably they went to the farm and it so happened Father Christmas was there. It's really lovely that your DC have grandparents like that.

CailinDana · 17/12/2012 20:03

That is very mean of them. I'm sure your DS wasn't bothered and loved the treat anyway but it was so nasty of them to take away the specialness of it for you by pipping you at the post so to speak.

Could your DH say something to them? At the very least he needs to say something about the way they undermine you.

susanann · 17/12/2012 20:03

i would be upset too. They seem to want to beat you to it! What does your DH think?

MistressIggi · 17/12/2012 20:04

PERHAPS Santa was simply at the farm, eg walking around it, rather than in a grotto that they paid to go to? We have seen several Santas this way so far this year. He also saw one at school today.
I do think arranging a trip to Santa, if that's what they did, is odd if you were taking him the same day. Bit competitive.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 17/12/2012 20:04

Count yourself lucky. DD hates Father Christmasii and all I have is pictures of her either screaming her head off or burying her head in DH or my shoulder avoiding him. Maybe your DS just isn't that fussed...

thegreylady · 17/12/2012 20:04

Let it be. On Saturday we took dgs1 who is 6 and his 3 year old brother on a Santa train where they met Santa and had a photo and a gift. On Sunday morning we took them to a Christmas Fair where they saw another Santa,had a gift etc. On Sunday evening they each had an email via
Portable North Pole where a third Santa spoke to them by name,showed them round his workshop and promised a Christmas Eve visit.
They were entranced by all three and are convinced that only the PNP Santa is real . The others are lookalikes employed by Santa as he is too busy to get around these different venues himself :-)
I'd set up a PNP experience for your D's.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 20:05

did they actually KNOW that FC would be at the farm.. after all he was outside my sainsburys this afternoon too, and magically also at the co-op at the same time!

CailinDana · 17/12/2012 20:06

I see I'm in the minority so far. My view comes from the fact that when MIL and I went shopping on Friday I had to practically force her to come with me to bring DS to see Santa. It was clear she was thrilled to do it but she was so worried that she would spoil the moment for me or that I would think she was butting in that it was nigh on impossible to convince her I wanted her to come. A consider PIL thinks that way - that your moments with your children are special and that their horning in on them might really upset you. At the least they could have texted to check if it was ok.

ChoudeBruxelles · 17/12/2012 20:06

DId they actually take him to see father christmas though or was he just at the farm park? There was one wandering round the garden centre we went to the other day.

Original poster
Bicnod · 17/12/2012 20:06

Ok. You're right. I'm probably over-reacting and won't say anything.

However, they definitely knew Father Christmas would be at the children's farm as they mentioned taking their granddaughter there who also went this morning by all accounts.

I don't think for a second they were being spiteful but I do think they were being thoughtless. Or they just thought it didn't matter. I think they should probably have checked to see if I minded, surely that would have been polite as they knew I had the big treat lined up?

Just feeling gutted as I wanted it to be a really special thing for me and DS1 to do together and I just feel like it wasn't quite as special now :(

OP posts:
CailinDana · 17/12/2012 20:07

considerate PIL.

NannyEggn0gg · 17/12/2012 20:07

I do understand your upset and I would feel the same. And as a GP it is something that it would never occur to me to do without checking with my children first.
What is more concerning is FIL in particular can be incredibly undermining of me in front of the DC and constantly nitpicks at my parenting.
That needs to be nipped in the bud, preferably by your DH to start with, and if he's not there, then by you.
Otherwise, actually they are not particularly great GPs.

malteserzz · 17/12/2012 20:09

I don't see why it matters really, at this time of year kids see Santa lots of times it doesn't spoil the magic at all.

Original poster
Bicnod · 17/12/2012 20:13

DH thinks they were out of order as well. He came home from work just as FIL was telling me about what happened in the morning and I was so gobsmacked I didn't say anything.

DH is cross with me for not saying anything as I told him I was upset after FIL had left, but I honestly didn't know what to say, and I didn't want to be the bad guy as so often seems to be the case with them. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable which is why I came on here.

Thank you for all your responses - I feel like I'm not totally unreasonable in being upset!

OP posts:
FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 17/12/2012 20:16

If your DH thinks they were out of order he can get in touch to have a word. He's their son, it might be better from him if you're being made to look the bad guy all the time.

aimingtobeaperfectionist · 17/12/2012 20:20

I can see where you're coming from ad from what you've said, I'd be pissed off too.
YANBU

MummytoKatie · 17/12/2012 20:23

Nitpicking - yes that would upset me too.

Father Xmas - not so much. Probably because there is very little you can do with small children at the moment without Santa turning up. Can't even go to blinking Tescos!

But.... I am biased as we have no family nearby and dd has had 4 days off nursery ill in the last 3 weeks. By day number 4 of getting to work for 7am, leaving at lunchtime, racing home to relieve dh, looking after poorly child all afternoon then working all evening I would probably say "Oooh how lovely" if someone offered to take her devil worshipping!

Goldmandra · 17/12/2012 20:26

I can't imagine that they did this in all innocence. It would be obvious to anyone that seeing one Father Christmas would take the shine off seeing a different one this afternoon.

I wouldn't say anything because you could so easily be made out to be PFB and petulant. Id just remember this for the future and specifically say if you think there's a danger of this sort of thing happening again, e.g. "I have bought tickets for a pantomime this year so please don't arrange to take them yourselves will you? You're welcome to take them another year" Smile

TheSecondComing · 17/12/2012 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StateofConfusion · 17/12/2012 20:31

Yanbu

I would be really upset --murderously angry and would bloody well tell them so-- if anyone stole my thunder with something like this!

Floggingmolly · 17/12/2012 20:35

You can't turn round at this time of year without falling over yet another Santa Claus, they're literally on every street corner. They probably didn't deliberately scheme to upstage you, the chance just presented itself and they didn't think it was a big deal?

It's really not a big deal. If you take your DS shopping at Tesco's tomorrow, chances are the guy in the red suit will be there touting for business too.
Unavoidable.

PickledInAPearTree · 17/12/2012 20:38

I wouldn't see it as a huge deal to be honest. The beardy bugger is everywhere, you still had a nice day.

They sound like it was without malice and that's the important thing. Saying something won't change anything but will make them feel shitty.

Original poster
Bicnod · 17/12/2012 21:04

TSC - I have to defend myself here. I know I sound a bit precious on this thread but I definitely don't have DS1's life planned out as a series of magical firsts... I am really not organised enough for that! Also, both DC are in childcare when I work so I have to accept that lots of firsts will happen (and have already happened) without me being there. DS2 took his first steps with PIL and it honestly didn't bother me.

This was one thing I had planned to be magical and I feel it was made somewhat less special (although it was still very special) by PIL's actions. I know they did a nice thing for the DCs, but it was also a thoughtless thing when they knew what I had planned this afternoon.

What makes it feel worse is that I had to work several evenings last week, all weekend and this morning to finish a project in time to take DS1 to see Father Christmas.

MN jury seems to be somewhat out on this one - after reading all the posts I don't feel U for being upset, but I also take everyone's points that it's not that big a deal and that Father Christmas is all over the place at this time of year.

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