to expect my mother not to continue treating my MH as a dirty secret.

[lolaflores]

My immediate family (sisters, brother and mother) are all fully aware of my MH difficulties/challenges for some years now. I have been encouraged to talk to them and not feel embarrased etc. all the usual lip service until....

My mother has a conversation with an aunt (sister to my father who died when I was 8) who tells her that her son is experiencing a breakdown. In actual fact she did not specify, my mother would not elaborate to me what the issue was.

WHISPERED VOICES " X has a fierce big problem...don't say anything now if you talk to any of them. say nothing.

ME (LOUD VOICE) Did you not tell Aunty that you have a home grown mental problem person at home yourself and that maybe you could talk like adults?

MOTHER No, I just let her talk, its easier that way

ME [clunk] phone going down

Feel like I never even got off square 1. The shame and taboo of it still lingers like a fart at a funeral. And don't give me "Its a generational thing". she was quick enough off the mark to give me guff about how right on she was about the whole thing until my fathers family appeared over the horizon with one of their own.
I am going to the attic now and throwing the key out the window.

:( hope you're ok. Try not to let it get to you.

I wouldn't want any member of my family discussing my mental or physical health with other family members so I wouldn't be complaining about her not gossiping to you about your cousin's mental health problems or not gossiping about yours.
It is gossip, it isn't going to actually help you if your mum tells the world about your illness.
If she can't discuss it with you that's a problem but I'd view her not discussing it with assorted relatives as a plus point.

I agree with 2rebecca, it's not really for your Mum to discuss your personal things with other people.

2rebecca i wouldn't mind her discussing my mental health with a beloved aunt. it isn't gossip, it is an issue happening within our family. This was the woman who said that there was no problem with mental health issues in this day and age. yet when it comes to it, she reverts to secrets and whispers. That is what has got to me the most I think. whispers, don't say anything, shshhsssshhhhhh. don't let anyone hear that we have a touch of the mad here.
it makes me feel helpless and tainted all over again. nothing has changed. if my cousin had a physical problem you can bet she would be having masses said and doing novenas. the hypocrisy

Do you have any other reason to suspect her of this attitude?

Not saying you're wrong, you know her. But just on what you've written here, I think this could be perfectly innocent. Sounds like this aunt was all heavy with the shameful secrecy, and the "don't tell anyone". So your mum would have had to make a significant decision to educate her about it and make sure she (the aunt) understood, before she started sharing your details. It's not necessarily her job to do that, the aunt will have to find her own way with it. Perhaps she felt the aunt was getting somewhere just by talking about it at all, and trying to bounce her into a more enlightened attitude wasn't going to work.

x-posts, maybe I've misunderstood who was telling who to "not say anything"?

Grr I hear you! My v DM who was right in the thick of it when I was at rock bottom- I needed her, she was not there for the drama, won't talk about it now. I'm better (in recovery) and she mentioned a very dear friend's daughter's identical problem. I couldn't believe she'd done no more than 'oh dear, poor you' when like your mum she'd lived through it!
My case is different I guess- I can understand the stigma around addiction, but MH? [hconfused]

The aunt was not by any means saying "say nothing", those were my mum's words. my mum was giving it all the keep your gob shut. Telling me as well not to mention my MH to anyone on that side...ffs.
I think it was that Mum was giving it the "oooohhhh, mental health,,what a shame, how terrible, the horror" and so on. Being as hypocritical as all get out whilst happy to let the right on phrases drip off her tongue.
Not so much the gossip as the attitude to the news that my cousin is unwell. Pure 17th century.

My mother is the same. Getting away from her solved most of my MH problems, so that tells you a lot about her really. In the long run it might help you to accept that you are not going to get the support you need from her.

I'm guessing she's Irish from the way she talks? Not heard "fierce" used in such an appropriate manner for a long time :)

In that case YANBU!

cailindana I have had her here for the guts of a month as she has helped out following spinal surgery. She honestly asked me if I was really that badly off or just being bold! Like naughty and that if I just made my mind up, then that would be that. Problem solved.

She is Irish (well spotted) and mental health is a peculiarly odd subject amongst us. I have heard that the things to look out for in a potential husbands family is TB and Madness.

I am never going to get support. I just wondered if she would consoul my aunt with at least the suggestion that MH is not the end of the world. But she chose to chime in with greek chorus.

I hear ya. When I was depressed my mother told me how she told her friends about my depression because "A's brother is depressed and B's husband is depressed too." The way she said it I could have punched her, as if we were all curiosities that were open for dissection. It was so demeaning. Apparently they all compared their stories of how difficult we were. Now, to an extent I don't mind that as it's good she was getting support but to tell me about it afterwards? CUNT.

I'm sure if you asked her now she would deny I was ever ill.

My mum is the same. we are all in some sort of club, like the Freemasons. Once she came to mine and saw recent cuts on my arm and said
"When I see that, I just think - nutter".

My younger sister is gay and my mum has often said how she wishes all her offspring were gay, they are simply so much less trouble. I would love to oblige her but I may be a bit too far down the hetro road.

Like yourself cailindana my mother may well be deeply rooted in my psychic make up. it is hard to be sane when you have been reared by out and out lunacy and constantly told its normal. I meet me arse coming back some daysl.

YANBU, as much as anything your experience could help your cousin get through whatever is going on with him if your family were more up for discussing it.

quack thats what I sort of thought. That to reassure them all that it is not the end of the world and not to give up hope. he is still the same person, just not very well at the moment. But, instead it is running from the bogey man.

Could you maybe talk to your aunt and offer her support?

Your mum sounds charming, I have family members who are the same

I will be having a word later. I love my aunty so very much, we are cut from similar cloth, as are her kids methinks. There is nothing I could say to her that would shock or distress her, so let the dust settle and I shall contact her.
I have the feeling as well that other family members are having similar responses.
My mum is also insinuating that the reason for her move away from the family (all of them sort of situated within a mile of each other) is because of mental health problems. It makes me rage

If your cousin is having problems then it sounds as though you'd be better just talking to him yourself.
I tend to regard health problems as confidential so don't discuss the health of people unless they are there. Now my kids are old enough to get confidentiality in their own right I wouldn't discuss their problems with any of my relatives no matter how dear that relative is to me.
If my daughter was self harming I wouldn't raise the subject if my brother started discussing a similar problem with one of his kids. I would ask her first if she minded her health being discussed.
I'm really glad I don't belong to a family where no-one gets any privacy.
I do understand that your mum didn't not discuss your psychiatric problems with your aunt because she was concerned about your confidentiality but because she is embarrassed and rather ignorant of psychiatric issues though.