To be confused where we all stand with the ex-girlfriend

[swizzles]

I am completely confused about our family's relationship with BILs ex-girlfriend.

My BIL has a 5 year old daughter with his ex-partner. They were together for about 10 years but split up 2 years ago. He has continued to be very involved with the daughter as you would expect but has moved out of the house and given it all to her.

In the past, my BIL and his ex girlfriend had always alternated spending Christmas with their respective parents. We thought they might 'grow out of this' once they had their own children (they are now in their 40s) but the ex-girlfriend doesn't enjoy catering for other people at xmas, and nor does she welcome the expense so the tradition of 'going home' has continued.

The ex-girlfriend's parents do not live in the same area of the UK as my in-laws so it is impossible for them to spend time with both on xmas day. To complicate matters, the daughter's birthday is Christmas eve.

My MIL has always complained to me that the ex-girlfiend 'expected to be waited on.' I haven't seen this but the house is really small and it's impossible to help out in the kitchen due to it's size. Certainly she does tend to want to watch her own choice of tV programme and falls asleep on the sofa after lunch (we had them one year and I was astounded how rude she was - I was pregnant and she didn't lift a finger) - having listened to MIL complaining, I have suggested she told them not to come but she never wanted to confront them so continued in this vein for years. She also never knows how long they are staying for, but equally she doesn't want to ask. I bear the brunt of this complaining.

They spilt up in 2010 but continued with the plan to stay with my in laws over that xmas. My in laws felt awkward about it (their house is tiny and has two small bedrooms) but despite this they accommodated them and their daughter. The atmosphere was apparently awful and little girl behaved very badly throughout. MIL was really glad when they left, they argued all the way home (150 miles).

Last year (2011) the ex girlfriend went to her mother's house for xmas. We assumed that BIL was going with her but it later transpired he'd spent xmas day alone as since they were now split up, he hadn't been invited. He had been very depressed and spent the day drinking himself into a stupor.

Since they split up, neither of our children have had their birthdays acknowledged. Clearly it was the ex-girlfriend who bought the cards and presents and now she isn't 'part of the family' she doesn't send cards any more. Problem is, neither does my BIL.

The thing is, they are now all coming up to my in-laws house for xmas. I think this has happened because there is no clear custody arrangement for the daughter and neither of them wants to spend Christmas without her (which I understand). MIL is livid because she knows that my BIL wasn't invited to her parents last year - but won't say anything. I have said I don't understand why they don't just stay at home and spend xmas with all 3 of them in one of their houses rather than assume they are welcome to stay with my in-laws. MIL agrees but will not suggest it to them.

BIL is talking about us all getting together on xmas eve to celebrate the daughter's birthday - I have no objection to this in principle but I do think it's a bit confusing as our children's birthdays have gone unacknowledged for two years now and yet we are being expected to play 'happy families' and forced to celebrate their daughter's birthday despite them ignoring ours.

DH would like to see his brother and niece at xmas. I am happy to go along with this but am refusing to entertain them at our house as I feel the relationship between our family and the ex-girlfriend is a one-way street where she accepts hospitality but doesn't acknowledge us at all. Nobody will communicate, MIL is deeply unhappy, BIL assumes the ex gf is welcome. I am happy to go to MILs house if she wants us to, but I am not prepared to cook for them all on boxing day and pretend this is something it isn't.

Perhaps I'm being unreasonable - xmas is a lot of work, DH does nothing towards it whatsoever and TBH I just don't want to entertain on boxing day unless it's for somebody with whom we have a 'give and take' relationship. I suspect he would like me to entertain on boxing day because it would give MIL a break from it all - I don't think I should feel obliged to do this when she won't stand up for herself and tell them she doesn't want them for xmas.

What would you do? What do you think of this situation?

it just reminds me of my own x in laws

you can't win if you try to continue linking up at christmas and you can't win if you return to your own family. sure if she'd got stuck in in the kitchen they'd be saying she was trying to take over.

this is LIFE tell your inlaws. the couple has split up. christmas day is just one day and their house is small. Tell them to make the effort on one of the other 366 days of the year.

just reading this post made me tired. that's not your fault op. it's just i know what it's like to have xpils who are never happy.

I haven't read the whole thing as it's v v long, but sometimes you need to put your feelings aside for the sake of the blameless children and suck it up.

ps, tell your husband to pull his weight! you can't really indirectly get frustrated with the xsil because your own husband's blindness to the wrok that needs to be done inviting people over at christmas creates work for YOU.

mulled wine and a slice of christmas cake fro Aldi not too much work though!

I do sympathise by the way OP.

What we do is I stay up here (where me and DSs dad lives) on Christmas day (even though my family live miles away) I spend the morning and Christmas dinner with DS, then Take DS to his dads to spend the afternoon there.

It's important for DS to see both his parents at Christmas and I believe I gave up the right to be selfish about it when I chose to have a child.

But the ex girlfriend might not feel that way

It's true that they are 'never happy' - MIL at least.

They never go to see the grand daughter but complain they are never invited. They blame the ex-girlfriend for this but at the same time they have no relationship with her at all.

Except every second xmas....

I think you should stand your ground wrt hosting them on Boxing day. If your dh does nothing to help, then he is not entitled to an opinion - you get to decide. If he wants to give his mother a break, he is at liberty to get off his arse and do so. It's not your job!

As for the rest of it, it is up to your mil to grow a pair and speak up. If she won't, then the situation is entirely of her own making. People shouldn't whinge about things they are not willing to address with the people concerned.

The thing is, they are obviously willing to spend xmas day together for the sake of the daughter. I think this is great, I just don't understand why they need to spend it with my inlays one year and for her to go to her parents alone next year.

I'm not sure what my feelings about the ex-girlfriend are really. We didn't see much of them at all before they had the daughter, just xmas.

DH didn't really stay in touch with his brother - it did used to irritate me that my BIL only ever got in touch to boast - for example we once heard nothing from him in a year (he didn't return calls) then got a text boasting about being in Los Angeles on holiday, not helped by the fact we'd just had our first baby (which they also didn't acknowledge). It all changed when they had their little girl, we heard from them much more, they used to phone up and ask advice as the little one was always poorly.

It has always been a one way street. I have just celebrated my 40th birthday last week and this has not been acknowledged at all despite DH ringing his brother and the brother promising to phone and wish me happy birtdhay (he didn't).

I think you should stand your ground wrt hosting them on Boxing day. If your dh does nothing to help, then he is not entitled to an opinion - you get to decide. If he wants to give his mother a break, he is at liberty to get off his arse and do so. It's not your job!

^^This...

YANBU your MIL either needs to say something to them or accept the situation without whinging to you about it.

Swizzles I know you don't want to risk upsetting the mil and taking on pointless battles that aren't yours but maybe you could plant the seed in your mil's mind that she herself do something pro-active about nurturing the relationship with her granddaughter.

I wish somebody sane had my xmil's ear. She hasn't the brains she was born with and for that I pity her because I am a simple soul and if she had just the tiniest bit of respect for me and could (with sadness) accept that I had the right to end a miserable relationship and that I am the judge of whether or not it was miserable, then, because I'm not an unkind or unsympathetic person I would have gone out of MY way for her sake. But she has judged me and blamed me for things that aren't my fault and for that, I end up feeling offfffffffs!!! still though, if she comes to see the chidlren I will be polite and friendly! she never does though.

at the end of the day though (sorry don't mean to sound like a footballer here) it's not your battle and i wouldn't risk getting too involved, the ODD comment here or there, that's all you can really do to penetrate the beliefs of the PILS

You need to say two things:
"MIL, you should talk to your son about it" and
"Husband, you decide what you want to do - its your BIL".
This is all NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

Forget about the ex not acknowledging birthdays - that's BIL's job. I have several friends who have been dumped in social secretary role for years, then it's suddenly their fault post divorce that their ex (EX!) husband can't be arsed. Don't blame the ex for the BIL's uselessness!

I think it's quite nice that ex gf is prepared to spend Xmas with her ex MIL for the sake of your BIL and their child.

"MIL is livid because she knows that my BIL wasn't invited to her parents last year - but won't say anything." Who was he not invited by though? the GF or the ILs? Because there is IMO a difference...

"BIL is talking about us all getting together on xmas eve to celebrate the daughter's birthday - I have no objection to this in principle but I do think it's a bit confusing as our children's birthdays have gone unacknowledged for two years now and yet we are being expected to play 'happy families' and forced to celebrate their daughter's birthday despite them ignoring ours." Oh dear, there's an awful lot of tit for tat going on here, isn't there?

Tbh I think that:

1. If they can stay amicable enough that they spend time together at Christmas and birthdays and presumably other times of the year, and can travel to and from the family etc then good for them.

1. Just because they have split up, doesn't mean all the families have to take sides and not invite this one because that one didn't invite them and get fuming over it etc. I am in similar situation with this - me and h are in process of splitting up, and I've had my mum say she's not sure she should be buying h a Christmas present because ILs won't be buying one for me and then it makes it look like she's taking sides and and and... and I said that this isn't a tit for tat game and that she has to act how she feels not do something because someone else is doing something else and make it all complicated - the issue is between me and h, that doesnt' mean he has to fall out with my family just because his family now hate me - we are all adults (or should be, apparently).

1. It's frustrating that your bil doesn't remember birthdays, but his not having remembered your dc's birthdays doesn't mean that you shouldn't be celebrating the birthday of his child.

Really, everyone is making all this far too complicated. Did the ex kill anyone? no? well then can't you all try to be civil just for a couple of days? fgs.

I do acknowledge their daughter's birthday. I have wrapped her present this morning, as well as her xmas present.

My children will receive nothing in return from either of them.

There's no tit for tat on my part, but it gauls me because my eldest is old enough to notice that uncle X never sends her a card.

I also think it is up to your husband to buy his niece a present/card. He is getting away with doing very little, here.

I would feel resentful too, if I was buying presents for a child, whose parents never acknowledged my children's birthdays. Why don't you just stop doing it?

There must be something positive about spending a birthday and christmas together, you could easily never see each other again,

If the mother meets someone, and she decides to spend christmas else where, your children may never see their cousin,

get your husband to gently suggest to his brother some contributions he could bring,

It sounds like they have all been through the mill a bit,

I bet the daughter loves seeing her cousins on her birthday, it's not like she ever going to have birthday with all her school friends.

I'd be cast as the bad guy.

MIL knows I do everything present-wise.

If I just stopped, she see me as 'protesting'

She thinks you put up and shut up. You do not protest.

Swizzles it doesn't matter what she thinks - It's what you think that matters. She's a grown woman and can do as she chooses and so can you. And anyway, she clearly doesn't put up and shut up - she bends your ear about it all!

Just because you have always done everything, it doesn't mean that must continue for ever more.

Well it's up to you if you put up and shut up or protest if you're not happy.

I would protest tbh.

I would presume that birthdays weren't celebrated and that you didn't do presents either. Some people are happy just to take take take. I find it rude and unfair.

I wouldn't host boxing day either tbh. Perhaps a meal out?

Mil may put up with it, you don't have to.

Birthday-present-wise, I would ask you DH to take care of neice's pesent.

Then tell your MIL you have asked DH to take care of neice's present.

As you have enough to do.

(In future years.)

So, MIL won't say anything except to you, who has no control over her situation, BIL leaves everything to xSil, even things that are not her responsibility after they have split, and your DH wants you to accomodate everyone for the sake of a quiet life. They all seem very passive/aggressive alike. I can't help thinking they do things how they like to, and you are at liberty to do the same. If you don't want to entertain on Boxing day, don't. Offer your DH the opportunity to do all the organising and entertaining and see if he thinks it's a good idea then.

I'm also very confused after reading skimming that.