So I was probably unreasonable for ranting at FIL but WWYD

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

Background first:My FIL is a very difficult completely nuts man he has always been extremely controlling and has been a violent bully when drunk on more than one occasion towards MIL. He has been causing a lot of problems for my now very sick mother in law all her married life but he has really escalated recently. Basically what happened was that he wanted to build her a house next door to their existing house to deal with her disability arising from her illness she on the other hand wanted to convert her existing house to match her future needs. His idea is noble but since they cannot agree on anything after years of war and the upheaval and months and months of work building a new house will make her life an absolute misery. She is refusing to let him go ahead with a planning application. He is furious and as a direct response he is not letting her fix her oven in her house, will not let a repair man in, will not let her buy a new one, has told her he will remove it if she does etc. They have a top of the range multifunctioning microwave and that is what they are using to cook with at present but obviously with Christmas coming up it is not suitable for the Christmas dinner. This has been going on for 4 months and in this time we (3 kids and ourselves) cannot go to visit them and share a meal with them which we have done all our married lives with the grandkids because the microwave cannot cook a large family lunch so instead we have gone out for food which we cannot afford any longer, or have them down to visit ours, fine.

Roll on yesterday: After many conversations from my DH, my MIL and my SILs with FIL my dh thought it might be worth a try me having a word with him because he has always had this respect weird infatuation with me and dh thought I could impress on him how I would not allow the kids to eat food from a microwave over Christmas holidays not necessarily true but to try to get him to see sense. So we had a one on one chat about the oven issue and then it got to discussing about the cause of the problem and the planning application which I told him I shared DMIL view that with her stage of health deterioration and the fact that they cannot agree on one cooker or one single fixture for a house that the inconvenience of building a house in their garden would put them under huge pressure and may not be the best option. The conversation went on for a long time all very good naturedly with him going on and on about how it was MILs illness causing all the problems, how MILs illness is turning everyone against him, how if he looks at it now it is obvious that MIL illness has been going on long before she ever got it and it has been causing problems right from the beginning of their marriage.......all totally and utterly nuts. Fine he is nuts I know that. Then he started into how dh (an architect) would have to look carefully of the legal implications of where he was at with FIL since he had been working on the planning application for FIL up until MIL made it clear that she would not go along with it. FIL had told dh originally that MIL was totally on board with the new house and so according to FIL, DH had to consider his legal position in relation to the situation which he found himself in. At this point I completely lost the cool with him, hence my becoming very unreasonable. I told him he was trying to control MIL, I told him none of his family supported what he is doing and all of them have told him that this is the case and he is responsible for them all being annoyed with him. I asked him to think about why our good natured discussion had changed into me ranting and raving at him, he said I had misinterpreted about DH's legal position and then it changed to he never mentioned DH's legal position, then he changed it to he never even brought it up at all that it was all me oh my god the man is a raving loon, did I mention he is a total loon. Anyway I told him that he needed to take responsibility for his actions, it was his actions that was driving everyone away from him, not MIL's illness. Then he tried to hold the door closed to hold me in the room we were in and I told him he could F off trying to control me I was not for controlling. Oh and by the way he is engaging the services of another architect against mils wishes to go ahead with this planning application which was news to everyone.
So that is where things lie, I have certainly not made things better and we are all extremely concerned about what lies ahead for MIL. Needless to say he has control of virtually all of their finances (including money that has been put aside for providing for her illness in the future) so she does not have much money going forward am and I not sure given her illness if she has the strength to leave. Was I unreasonable and WWYD?

Good grief, are you secretly me?

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, I have virtually the identical thing going on with my FIL and MIL and it is really, really grim.

(With them it is the bathroom that can't be fixed apparently so therefore they can never sell and get a more suitable place- when we go round there we can't even go to the loo...seven months and counting...)

My FIL is the most controlling person I have ever met and his behaviour drives me bonkers, particularly the treatment of my MIL.

The thing I have come to accept, however, is that although her life is desperately sad, she has been in that marriage for 40 years, 30 before I met her, and his controlling treatment has been enabled ALL that time in this role by his family.

From your post I would imagine it is the same- it is a bit unfair to expect you to be the one to try and resolve this as the rest of the family have allowed it to continue for many years.

For your own sanity, I think you have to realise that MIL has chosen this life and you can't save her from it, no matter how absolutely bonkers it all is.

I now detach as much as I can and give them honest feedback about their behaviour but don't engage:

"It makes me so sad that you choose to live like this. I would love to help you get a plumber in and sort this out "

FIL "Well, what you don't understand is... (5 minutes of random rubbish about some nonsense like we can't trust plumbers not to steal/these new regulations aren't proper they might come in and flood the place etc etc)

me "Well, it makes me very sad that you think that. If you want to get a plumber in let me know"

FIL "Well we can't because (another 5 minutes of catastrophising)

And so on. It isn't fun. But it keeps me sane.

Well done for trying to sort the situation, that was really brave. I don't blame you for getting mad. Unfortunately, as louis says, you now need to take a step back and accept that you've tried to intervene but you can't force either of them to change. Obviously your FIL is an abusive arsehole, but it was up to your MIL to get out of that situation long before now. It is incredibly sad that she is stuck with this shit now that she's ill but unless she makes plans to leave then you can't help her.

I would be tempted to have MIL over for a nice fresh cooked christmas dinner and leave him with his microwavable dinner.

If your MIL has disability arising from her illness then has she accessed the support available through Social Services? They can help with house adaptations, arrange for carers if necessary, and generally help her work around her husband.

My Dad can be similar to your FIL although not as extreme and having to temper his behaviour (at least a bit) in front of Social Workers and carers has helped. It's also made my Mum less isolated as she has people to advocate for her professionally.

It's incredibly hard to deal with this sort of thing when family emotions get in the way so getting professional support can be really useful. Your MIL should be able to request an assessment, she may need her GP to support the request.

Louistheseventeenth I have had many, many conversations that go around in circles too; not much fun.

Cailin they are Irish so I think you can appreciate that splitting up is barely an option even give the appalling vista ahead....think that couple from father Ted who own the shop and you have a fair idea what life for the inlaws is like.

We have considered the buying the cooker thing but I asked him if SIL were to buy one (she is the apple of his eye and lives with them) would he let one go in and he just talked around the houses about how he was looking into getting the other one fixed (bullshit) so no.

pmcblond
There would be no problem with my mother in law getting an assessment from social services, there is money put aside to do the work even without social service intervention, her needs would definitely make it that changes to the house would be suggested but there is no way in hell FIL will let some one in the door to carry out work on the house. We have been in the situation many times over the years where she has wanted someone to come in and do some decorating work and he has literally run workmen from the house in the past. If he is not for turning on the planning application which appears to be the case changes to their own house will be made over his dead body and I am definitely not exaggerating there. Having said that I wonder if maybe social services could force the issue given he is being abusive ????

SIL is planning to have SIL and MIL over for dinner if needs must; I guess we are kind off trying to bring the whole thing to a head so she can get the oven fixed at some stage.

Social Services could certainly advise on the options. If your MIL is unable to answer the door then they can add an entryphone to the adaptations needed (a lifeline for my Mum who is chair bound) so she can let people in.

I know Social Services get bad press but they've been very helpful (if disorganised) with my parents over the past 15 years

He does sound like a nightmare. Just wanted to offer an alternative view that the petulance could be a sign he is not dealing with MILs illness v well?

Even though you're not in the wrong, given he respects you perhaps have another chat to clear the air and ask him how he's doing, don't make it all about MIL iyswim.

GL :)

While admittedly his behaviour has been getting worse loislane DH was reiterating last night how it started well before DMIL was ever sick. They are all sick to the back teeth of his behaviour. I understand what you are saying about apologising I doubt I will be able to, in fact the only thing I will be doing from now on in avoiding being in his company alone ever again and when he talks over people trying to get my attention which he spends his life doing I will completely ignore him. This is probably a drip feed so sorry but it was irrelevant to the original post but he tried to feel me up a couple of years ago when he was horribly drunk, so I have avoided being alone with him with booze on him since then I will just be extending this to every situation from here on out.

No chance MiL could leave (if only for a while) and move in with one of her children?
Or could all the children together, stand up to FiL?

Sorry to come back to this but DH is just off the phone with MIL. Apparently FIL is trying to get her to ring me to apologise because obviously she is making up things and saying things to me about the legal position between DH and herself in relation to this planning application. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH he was the one who brought this up, in a conversation he had with me. Did I mention he is off his rocker. I know I am being mean and obviously there is some mentalnillness there and I am not being understanding but the devastation he wreaks all around would try the patience of a saint. Now there is going to be a huge 5 way blow out over Christmas between the whole family and him, not me obviously my job is over here but I feel so bad for MIL who is getting it in the neck from him. We are trying to decide what to do for Christmas we are meant to be going for a visit after Christmas day but I am friggin sick of the rubbish that goes along with it and the microwave food is not very appealing either.

Ok long shot you mentioned irish and the none divorce thingy etc, Huge leap here are they church goers? if so would getting in a sympathetic priest to have a chat with him help?

Just a thought..

Does your Mil have dementia?

FIL's behaviour is dreadful, but he sounds both confused and disinhibited. Could he have the early stages of some kind of dementia?