Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit fed up with my mum?

41 replies

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 21:02

My mum invited me to a Xmas meal out with her friends yesterday. I said that would be nice, but made it clear that I couldn't stay late and that I wouldn't be drinking more than a few drinks as I had to drive to work at 8.30am. I'm a fairly new driver and had a 40 minute drive, so didn't want to feel hungover/drowsy. I work with children, so it wouldn't be appropriate to turn up smelling of last night's alcohol. My mum knew this and said that she wasn't staying out late as she had a cold.

Anyway, we arrived and she took me to a tiny pub where I could barely move. She knew the owner, who was telling her how glamourous she looked and kept saying how different we looked. I made a joke after to my mum, saying he must think I'm a minger. Mum is glam and looks very young, so people tend to do a double take when they find out she has a grown up dd; especially as she's blonde and pale and I'm dark and olive skinned.

Later, at the meal, mum was enjoying herself on wine, champagne, sambuca cocktails etc. I had a few drinks then stuck to water as I had to stay fairly sober. I was enjoying myself though. I then caught her texting the man from earlier, saying that I was worried he thought I was ugly. I begged her to stop, but she continued and kept denying it. I could read what she was writing.

After the meal, I said I had to get back some. Mum continued drinking very large gin and tonics and telling strangers her life story. I mentioned going home soon and offered to make my own way. She became angry and insisted that she would leave soon and that I must stay.

Eventually, at 1am, she left, after much persuasion. She launched into a 30 minute tirade in the taxi home about how I'm a horrible person, my husband is ugly and bald and I have no life. She was very very drunk and vicious. She was angry at me for not drinking more and for wanting to go home. I did not respond, but ending up covering my ears. She did not pause for breath.

AIBU to think her behaviour was out of order? I will not go out with her again.

OP posts:
PessaryPam · 16/12/2012 21:09

She is having trouble ageing. Its up to you how much you indulge her but remember all the stuff she did for you.

YoSaffBridge · 16/12/2012 21:10

Nope, YANBU. That's terrible behaviour, it doesn't matter who it is from and it doesn't matter whether she was drunk or not. I wouldn't go out with her on something like this again, and if she asks why not explain how hurtful her behaviour was. In fact, I'd be tempted to tell her next time you see her anyway.

How is your relationship with your mum generally?

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 16/12/2012 21:10

She was a horrible drunk. Definitely should have left at 10. You have every right to be furious.

Roseformeplease · 16/12/2012 21:12

I will only see / speak to my Mum in the mornings for similar reasons.

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 21:13

I find her a bit narcissistic and very appearance obsessed, but I try to ignore it generally and it is tolerable when she's not drunk. She isn't the best grandma and isn't v interested in the dc, but it's just how she is I guess. I feel hurt by her behaviour.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 16/12/2012 21:14

Yes, it sounds like she's a very nasty drunk. Avoid similar events since they are unlikely to end well. YANBU in wanting to stay reasonably sober and go home at a sensible time either. If you had work this morning it's the responsible thing to do. Your dm comes across as someone who is deeply worried about getting older. But that's her problem, not yours.

StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 21:15

YANBU, but I'm not sure why you didn't firmly say you were leaving earlier and just do it. If she wanted to make her own way home that would be her choice.

upstart68 · 16/12/2012 21:16

I think she was a bit/very drunk.

I think she wanted to show you a bit of her life - e.g. people complementing her. But then drank too much.

Possibly she'll be a bit embarrassed in the morning.

The lesson to learn is that next time you need a quiet night, just be more assertive and stay in. And save nights out with your mum for when you don't have a big day the next morning.

PessaryPam · 16/12/2012 21:16

OP I think if you have a narcissistic mum there is nothing you can do to make it OK, so cancel my earlier comment and soz. xx

peaceandlovebunny · 16/12/2012 21:16

perfect solution and you reached it yourself. don't go out with her again.

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 21:18

Maybe I should have left, but mum's friends went home after the meal and she was talking to various admirers she knew at the bar, so I didn't want to leave her in that state.

OP posts:
ViperInTheManger · 16/12/2012 21:18

She sounds horrible. I think any mother who has to boost her own ego at the expense of her daughter should be ashamed.

trueblood1fan · 16/12/2012 21:19

yanbu :'(

HoleyGhost · 16/12/2012 21:19

You should have left when you said you would.

YANBU to be annoyed.

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 21:20

TBH I will never go out with her again, but the way I feel now I don't want to speak to her again. I know that's an overreaction, but she hasn't apologised or anything.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 21:21

Probably a good idea to avoid nights out with her in future then dont. She doesn't sound like pleasant company.

HoleyGhost · 16/12/2012 21:21

Depending on history, it is not an over reaction. You get to choose if you want to spend time with her.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2012 21:23

She sounds a nightmare. But not much you can do but don't go out with her again for a very very long time.

StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 21:24

It's not rally an over reaction; she diregarded your plans for the evening, got drunk when she knew you weren't drinking, put you down to boost her own pitiful self esteem and then hurled drunken abuse at you insulting your family, all without apology or acknowledgement. Not over reacting at all! I hope you know her issues are nothing to do with you; you sound lovely and don't need negative people like this in your life.

StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 21:25

*really

*disregarded

Good god I need to proof-read better Blush

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 21:25

The most irritating thing was, all her admirers were telling her what a wonderful mum she is. She was telling all and sundry how old I was, so they would compliment her on her youthful looks. I ended up feeling pretty horrible actually. She was telling me of all the millionaires who adore her. She is married, btw, just enjoys the attention and courts it.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/12/2012 21:30

Not sure if not wanting to see her again would be an overreaction tbh.

She goes out of her way to deliberately make you look and feel bad in front of other people, rides roughshod over what you've said you want to do, isn't that interested in her GC, says she doesn't like you or your DH...

You'd be doing her a favour really if she thinks so little of you/yours, sounds like the only person she cares about is herself, so leave her with the person she (probably least if the truth be known) loves the most.

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 21:42

Thank you all for being so lovely. I wasn't sure if I was unreasonable, as it hard to have a sense of perspective when it's your life. The only thing I feel bad about is that she is always really extravagant with Xmas presents and I feel uncomfortable now, as I'd rather she was just a bit more interested in us. But it would make me feel guilty not to take them/or to not speak to her, if that makes sense at all! I guess I'll just try to keep my distance.

It hit home yesterday, when a grandma was showing off pics of the Dgc on her phone and mum only has pics of herself on hers. We live ten minutes drive away and she rarely visits us. When I go round with ds, she's always got an appointment at the beauty salon and doesn't want to see us.

I can tolerate all that, but last night was too much :(

OP posts:
Wommer · 16/12/2012 22:02

Don't think it's an over reaction at all op. If someone that wasn't your dm treated you like that on a night out - you'd drop them like last weeks rubbish!
Her being your dm means she should be kinder to you than most people - it's not a licence to take her insecurities out on you!
Yanbu to defo not spend much time with her until she realises that this is not acceptable behaviour!

dontcallmehon · 16/12/2012 23:11

I don't think she will ever realise that she is wrong to behave like this. She probably thinks it was a great night.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread