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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be worried about ds?

11 replies

mrsmoustache · 16/12/2012 20:25

Ds started secondary in Sept and I am worried that he has no friends and may be being left out. He has always been a bit of a loner- happy to be with others, but quite happy by himself. At the end of primary some if his 'friends' were making him the but of their jokes but I only found out because I saw it, not because he told me. After he got quite upset and it was clear it had been bothering him for a while. Some of these boys are at school with him now. Basically he never talks about friends, goes to see anyone and us a bit evasive when I ask. I have tried to subtly talk to him, but I know he won't say anything unless something major happens- he might not even then. He for a to clubs after school, scouts and to watch footie with family friends, so he isn't completely isolated. I'm trying to get him to invite friends round, but he's not that keen- I'd have to sort it for him. Am I overeacting or should I do something (what?) To help. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Fairyegg · 16/12/2012 21:11

You might get more response posting this in secondary education? Sorry mine are only little so I'm not much help.

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 16/12/2012 21:21

Thanks, I may do. I'm just not sure if I'm being over sensitive because of problems last year. I've no real reason to worry, just gut instinct- but not sure how I would know if there were any problems. Neurotic.

OP posts:

3b1g · 16/12/2012 21:24

I would email the form tutor to sound him or her out.

KaFayOLay · 16/12/2012 21:25

Why don't you ring school and ask his form teacher?
They may not be able to give you an answer right away but they can ask his subject teachers and get back to you.

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 16/12/2012 21:37

I had thought about that- we've not had a parents eve yet so not had chance to talk to them. I've got no evidence, but could ring for a chat to see how they think he's getting on. Sounds like a plan. Thanks

OP posts:

3b1g · 16/12/2012 21:42

In my opinion, parents' evening would not bean appropriate time to raise this issue, for three reasons:
In most secondary schools, the DC attends too. I think this could potentially embarrass your DS if discussed in front of him.
You will probably only have a 5 minute appointment at parents' evening, which might not be enough if there is an issue with friendships.
It would be putting the form tutor on the spot, whereas if you email or phone, then he or she would have the chance to keep an eye on your DS's friendships before reporting back to you.

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 16/12/2012 21:53

Yes I agree. I'll give school a call tomorrow. It might be nothing, but I'll feel much happier when I've talked to them. Think I needed a voice of reason- thanks for taking the time!

OP posts:

devilishmangerdanger · 16/12/2012 22:00

Might be good to speak to pastoral care too.

AllOverIt · 16/12/2012 22:04

Secondary teacher and form tutor here. Definitely get in touch with your DS's tutor tomorrow. Even if it's not something they've picked up yet, you'll alert them to keep an eye on him.

In the schools I have taught in, Y7 seem to stay together as a form across the timetable, not sure if this is the case in your son's school. They tend to mix a bit in year 8 so he'll have the opportunity to mix with other groups of friends.

toobreathless · 16/12/2012 22:40

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things.

Having a quiet word/emailing his tutor would be sensible so they can be extra vigilant to any potential bullying or other problems at school (not saying there is any)

I'd then continue to encourage his extra curricular activities and not push the subject of having friends home if he doesn't seem that keen.

Is he bright?? He reminds me of myself as a younger teenager. I was very uninterested in my peer group until 6th form, I thought they were all superficial and pointless. Luckily my very sharp tongue prevented me ever being bullied. I remember finding my peers much more engaging from about age 15, when they could hold a sensible discussion and had lost that need to conform. I really enjoyed both 6th form and medical school following that and always had plenty of friends.

toeworries · 16/12/2012 23:17

Hi,

Don't wont to worry you but this exact same thing happened to me when I was a kid. I was being bullied and was ashamed of it.

It started out with teasing, then name calling, then full blown bullying. It was nasty. My parents "called me out" on it but I was far too embarrassed to let them know.

The girls that bullied me for year got away with it.

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