To think that really I don't have any true friends

[Onebadbackandalostpelvicfloor]

Big birthday coming up and I suggested to a few people that we go for a pampering day at the local spa (approx £40 each) rather than have a big night out as i can't tolerate these any more. All agreed this was a good idea and it was planned but never booked.

I have since been feeling really really down (think depression has reared it's ugly head) and really not up for going so I sent a message out saying I'm cancelling and sorry for bailing on them all but no reason for cancelling.

Responses I got all said "that's ok" "cool" and similar. Not one person asked me why or how I am or if I had other plans or anything. Then I sat there and thought to myself, 'when was the last time someone rang or popped round'. The last person who called me for a chat or similar, I pinpointed, was back in June. All other calls have been from me or to me from oh or parents.

No one actually bothers to just 'call' or even text to say 'hi' it's always me first.

I know people have their own lives and everything but seriously, even a second thought my way??

Hello. welcome to my world.

telephone works both ways yeah?

Im the same. I KNOW people have their own lives and theyre not thinking of me 24/7 but its nice once in a while to get a 'hi how are you' isnt it?

Im ALWAYS asking after others yet no one wants to hear about me. maybe cos Im boring.

Exactly. I have a landline a mobile email and dreaded Facebook. They know where I live. I'm not a horrible person, I never forget birthdays and big events, I always contact and ask after them but its never reciprocated.

i would imangine that if it wasn't your birthday coming up your feelings might not feel so intense. i never ask anyone to do anything for my birthday (other than children and husband) as i don't even feel brave enough to cope with any rejection (pathetic but true)

i hope you manage to do somehting nice for your birthday :). i do find friend things go in fits and starts wtih me. i never ring anyone for a chat and i apologise if i do have to ring someone as i find the telephone so instrusive (what is wrong with me i don't know!!). although i realise your friends might not be like that!!

sorry not to be much help but am sending hugs (even though i think you're not allowed to on here?)

Sympathies. I think a lot of people and will empathise. I think all of us will have friends like that. It's always struck me that there are generally two types of friend - reactive and proactive. The proactives are the ones who regularly make calls and organise things while the reactives don't and just wait for the proactives to get in touch. Doesn't necessarily mean the reactives care less, they're just wired differently.

Although there are of course total arseholes who don't give a damn apart from what they get out of it, but then they aren't genuine friends.

I found that a lot of proactives become reactives once they are parents. The focus changes.

I feel the same.

Me too. I have very few friends and social anxiety but try to be there for them practically and emotionally when they have problems. Doesn't work the other way, though. If I'm down they just wait for me to get over it.

Don't worry about it. I had my 35th birthday yesterday and invited about 4 friends. 2 of them were close frinds from 18-odd years ago, who I'm regularly in touch with, and another 2 friends from college.

The 2 friends from 18yrs ago turned up as well as some family members, but the 2 from college didn't turn up at all. One of them just didn't text or phone to let me know that they coulodn't make it, and the other text me at the last moment to say she couldn't come. I was very disappointed in the 2 colege friends, but I thought "Stuff it, I'm going to have a f*ing good time without them". I was true to my word because by the end of the night, my 2 long-time friends and I were rolling about the floor pissing ourselves laughing . It was a night to remember.

Life goes on and you can't just stop living your life because people don't show up or don't do anything for your birthday. Take it upon yourself to organise some time just for you and your closes friends, and I mean the friends who are there for you through thick or thin . That's what I'm doing from now on.

HTH

Could be your friends are depressed too.

Sorry you're feeling down, OP. I think birthdays - big or otherwise - have really changed in the last ten years or so. It used to be a family member would decide on an event, party or similar and invite the friends of the birthday person to attend. I recall 50ths, 60ths like this. Birthday person not really involved.

Now it seems to be that everybody wants to make their landmark birthdays in some way but there's no event. All attendees pay for themselves to attend something like a spa day or night out that's really impersonal and not to do with the birthday person at all really. From that perspective, it doesn't matter who is there or not, it's an individual's participation in their own 'day out' regardless of the date of the event. There's nothing 'special' to mark the birthday, as such.

Perhaps this is why you've received responses like 'Cool' or 'ok'. It's not that you dont matter, merely that it's not clear that your birthday matters to you that much. Is that possible, do you think?

me too

Don't stress. I have a very small circle of friends; my sister has a very wide circle of frinde. I could not cope with the drama she goes through on a regular basis but I sometimes envy the closeness and 'things; she does with her friends. I don't have the time but at the same time, I like having one or two good friends that I know I can rely on. Horses for courses i guess..

normal.
there's no such thing as 'friends'. its a primary school con.

This thread has really made me think. I don't have anyone that I could call a friend anymore...they all vanished as soon as ds was diagnosed with asd 2 years ago. Prior to that it was always me running around after everyone. Ringing once in a while to see if they were ok, offering help when they were in hospital. Never was it reciprocated. Last time a friend made the effort to contact me first was just over 6 years ago

Also don't forget now is the big countdown to Xmas - it is busy and people are stressed in general - jobs and the economy making it harder - it doesn't make you feel any better but it might just be the time of year - text back saying a meal in the new year would be nice instead - you're booking x day at x time at x restaurant ( maybe find one with a.deal going for January so it's cheap for the post Xmas skintfest) and could they let you know for numbers then send a confirmation text once it's booked.

Also - don't underestimate the way your depression may be impacting your feelings here.

Hope you have a lovely birthday - do something nice on the day :-)

:( loadsofchocolate -

I'm the same OP. I always make lots of friends when on courses, volunteering etc. I have over 200 fb friends and am friendly with everyone, but I only have one true friend and I only see her every few months and another who I am close to.

In Jan-June I did a course with 20 other people which involved trips away etc and got so so close to them. But I always felt left out as was never invited out with them and since it ended I haven't spoke to them :'(
I was told by the tutor that it seems to be that I am too friendly?! I wasn't in a cliche as I got on with everyone, so I floated around and never bonded with one person or group.

I hate it I'm coming 23 and yet I feel older. I never have a chance to go out in groups or girlie holidays etc.

I don't either. One friend who drops us and picks us up when he likes - and can be very kind, but often he is kind of off the radar and seeing other people and doesn't even reply to texts...I rarely feel I can ask him to help out, though I have on occasion and also help him out with childcare etc... I don't think he really likes me anyway.

Another who lives hundreds of miles away and last time hewas going to visit, put a note through the door saying he couldn't, at 5-6am (I heard it when he posted it) with a crap excuse. He calls sometimes but it feels so empty.

The rest are people I say hi to at school but would never see socially or ask for help, or really do anything with.

That's it. Then I have my sister, who doesn't live nearby, and my parents who do but tbh that's embarrassing to need their help with stuff.

Life can be very lonely - I'm sure we're not the only ones. I'm not sure how it gets to be like this.

If someone was cancelling something big like that without giving an excuse I'd think " must be something up, don't want to be nosy could be something really sensitive, if they wanted to tell me they would have.." and then leave it. Would prob contact them the next week to check all ok (but sometimes things get in the way and I forget). So don't write them all off just yet, they might be being tactful.

Your friends' radio silence could be because they are skint. If I was one of them, I would have been disappointed that the trip had been cancelled, but slightly relieved that I didn't have to spend the £40 as that is a lot of money to me at the moment.
I also agree with wifeofdoom in that they might be being tactful, especially if you suffer from depression they might not want to pry into why it was cancelled.

Hope you enjoy your birthday anyway.

I often feel the same way. I find that these days I don't give much to people then that way I can't be let down when they don't bother with me

Snap, OP.

Basically, people think I'm not bothered. They think that I'm aloof and like my own company. I do, to an extent. But I would also love friends I can rely on.

I know exactly what you mean. I was left by STBXH for an OW in June, and I am puzzled and hurt by the lack of people who ask after me. To be fair to them, everyone was "there" for me in the first couple of months, but hardly anyone gets in touch with me first now, and to be honest, it's making me depressed.

I don't really know what to suggest, only I hope it's of some comfort to read the other posters' stories here and realise you're far from alone. Xxx.

Its crap so many of us are in this situation.

Whoever said about contacting the close friends i can rely on. They are them. They're shit quite frankly. Im just so upset about it all. Oh always asks why don't i go out and meet x for a coffee or y for a drink. I haven't the heart to tell him he's with a loner who clearly has no friends.

It would just be nice if for once someone asked me how i am, what's going on in my life, how are my kids, what am i doing for xmas, how is work going. You know. Normal stuff that shows that i matter.

I can see what you mean - as we get older, friends just come after kids, work, ageing parents etc. It's sometimes difficult to find the time and energy for friends. I used to have close friends in my 20s but now everyone is living in different places and we contact each other quite rarely. But when we do, it's nice to hear from them or to see them. I always try not to take it personally when friends forget my birthday or don't contact me for a long time, but sometimes it can be quite upsetting, I agree. I have a friend who used to be a very close one and she didn't even send me a message after my baby was born, and quite frankly, I am not happy about it at all :-(

Add message | Report | Message poster Crumpetlover Sun 16-Dec-12 21:27:52
I often feel the same way. I find that these days I don't give much to people then that way I can't be let down when they don't bother with me

Add message | Report | Message poster FromEsme Sun 16-Dec-12 21:31:38
Snap, OP.
Basically, people think I'm not bothered. They think that I'm aloof and like my own company. I do, to an extent. But I would also love friends I can rely on.

^^This. I am just like this.

I could have written your post OP, right down to being let down for your big birthday. I had a big birthday a few months ago and quite frankly it was a huge anti-climax and I felt let down by friends. Even now, a few months down the line, I feel really upset and disappointed by it, as I'll never turn that age again and can never get that time back. Ironically they often ask why I don't let them in more and say I shouldn't keep myself to myself as much. Well I do that because I can't rely on anyone except myself, a bit like it seems Crumpetlover does in the first post I've referred to above.

Anyway OP, have a very happy birthday from me!