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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be told today that 5 extra people are coming for christmas dinner?

27 replies

Hertschick · 16/12/2012 14:11

We had the christmas conversation in october and offered to have everyone here for Christmas dinner - mil, husbands sister and husband and their children.

We were told that sister's family were going away so planned everything just for the 3 of us - ordered the turkey crown, have done a meal planner for the next couple of weeks and have done all the food shopping apart from the veg. Was feeling nice and relaxed that it was all done and can enjoy next week knowing that everything is sorted. Told today that they are not going away now and they are coming to ours - not even in an apologetic, our plans have changed and are we still ok to come way. It was only because we rang them that we found out so we are also wondering when they were actually planning on telling us?

Don't get me wrong -if they said we were coming earlier we would have loved to plan it all but now have to rush round to get ready. We can stretch the turkey but I love having the leftovers the day after and were planning on having Jamie Oliver crispy turkey pancakes which are lovely. We do need to get more turkey, christmas pudding, drinks etc. and the whole day will now just be stressful doing a massive meal and not the relaxing day we were looking forward to. I am being unseasonable aren't I?

OP posts:
LadyMaryChristmas · 16/12/2012 14:13

Tell them 'no'. They have left it too late and you've made plans. You're not being unreasonable, they are!

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 16/12/2012 14:13

Why can't she have Christmas in her own house? Cheek!

beeny · 16/12/2012 14:13

You are not being unreasonable because they should have been more polite about the fact their plans had changed.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/12/2012 14:14

No, you aren't being unseasonable!

I'd work out what else you red to buy and let them know that the late change of plans has messed up your budgeting, and give them a list of what they need to contribute to the meal.

Hosting Christmas Day is expensive!

TheBigJessie · 16/12/2012 14:15

YANBU - You Are Not Being Unseasonable.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2012 14:16

What Outraged said. Nowadays, people have to be careful when it comes to hosting others for an expensive meal.

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 14:17

I agree with Outraged, give them a list of what they need to contribute.

ChristmasJubilee · 16/12/2012 14:20

Oh, that will be lovely. The whole family for Christmas. Ask them if they are coming over the night before to bring the cooked gammon joint and deserts and to help prepare the veg or are they coming earlier on the day! Or say NO.

YANBU

Allergictoironing · 16/12/2012 14:23

2 issues here.
One is the food - it's over a week to go until Christmas day so you should have enough time to get more, it isn't as though you weren't planning on doing any more food shopping in that time & menus can be re-planned in the time.

2nd is the big one, them not bothering to tell you their plans have had to change then just assuming that the original invitation was still open at very late notice. My personal response would be to tell them you've made other arrangements & it's far too late now to change their minds, but at least they have enough time to sort their own bloody Christmas out. There are 5 of them, so plenty enough to have a good day without needing the company, and not so many that cooking their own dinner will be a massive pain. I'd very uncharitably guess that they want all the enjoyment of a big Christmas dinner without any of the hassle of having to prepare it themselves, hence initially planning to go away where it can all be catered for them

WhenSantaGotStuckUpACunnyFunt · 16/12/2012 14:23

You're not being unseasonable at all! What were they going to do, just rock up on christmas day and expect to be fed?

I am however, interested in these turkey pancakes, any chance of the recipe please?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 16/12/2012 14:45

YANB Unseasonable.

It's rude, and annoying. It's the sort of thing that would really irritate me, as I would have already planned, and budgeted, and thought about everything.

And yes, you can go buy more food, but it's still annoying. Were they apologetic?

zlist · 16/12/2012 14:58

YANBU! The cheek!
You have clearly already planned and budgeted Christmas dinner based on them not coming, as they said. It isn't like you can stretch a meal and plans for 3 to accomodate an extra 5 easily.
I would let them know that it isn't ok but keep it friendly and suggest they come round after the dinner to spend time with everyone and stay for an evening buffet (naturally bringing a dish).

Original poster
Hertschick · 16/12/2012 15:03

They want to come to ours because then they will see the mil (their mum) so would feel really bad at saying they can't come at all. Wish we could though or even get out of doing the meal for them.

No apology and that is what is really annoying - they have a history of thoughtlessness. And not even to say is it still ok as we appreciate that you may have done some shopping etc and can we bring anything. Our day has gone from a nice quiet day chilling with the mil and baby with a small meal to cook to being manic and spending loads more time in the kitchen!

Also it sounds as though they still may book somewhere last minute today so still not 100% sure of what is happening. Can't even start amending lists etc. until we know what they are doing.

Here is the link for the pancakes - lovely even when the turkey is a couple of days old and getting dry.
www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/turkey-recipes/asian-inspired-turkey-salad

OP posts:
Original poster
Hertschick · 16/12/2012 15:05

Oh and we use tortilla wraps rather than the chinese style pancakes as I couldn't see them in the supermarket.

OP posts:
FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 16/12/2012 15:20

I would get your husband to tell his sister that they either bring the extra food required, or make alternative plans, but that they need to decide quickly as it is unfair on you.

hatgirl · 16/12/2012 15:34

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey absolutely.
Don't buy anything else in that you had not already planned to. Say to them 'thats fine we would love to have you but could you bring x/y/z with you if you are coming as we won't have room in the fridge for the extra' and that you need to know next week if they are coming or not. Unless they are VU they will appreciate that they need to let you know and that its the done thing to bring a dish and a bottle in this situation.

YellowDinosaur · 16/12/2012 15:40

I would just go for the 'it's too late to come for lunch as we've already ordered the turkey and done some food prep. If you want to come over late afternoon and stay for a light buffet tea please bring x, y and z and you're welcome'

AuntieMaggie · 16/12/2012 15:50

What ^ said... they can come visit but they need to make their own plans for dinner!

girlywhirly · 16/12/2012 15:56

You could say to SIL that if they want to see MIL they can come for tea and bring contributions of food and drink. I don't see why you should have to change your plans for the main meal. I think this would be preferable if they don't let you know in good time that they are definitely eating out, because then it won't affect your meal. Then you don't need to offer more than a few sandwiches and crisps.

However you could ask them to bring a list of items if you do decide to cook for them, you could supplement the turkey crown with a boneless turkey breast to roast alongside it so you will still have leftovers, do lots of extra veg and potatoes and plate up the portions of turkey rather than let people help themselves. And make them help clear up afterwards!

It is still rude to just change their plans at the drop of a hat.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 16/12/2012 16:48

she should have been a bit nicer about it. But I really don't see what the big deal. Its over a week away. If mo et is a problem, ask them to bring some stuff.

tinkertitonk · 16/12/2012 17:07

What Brady said.

Christmas is 9 days away and you're not planning the invasion of Normandy. Yes, they should have told you, but the closer the relatives are the more they must be forgiven (and the more they must forgive you). This is not worth a huge family row.

LtXmasEve · 16/12/2012 17:28

The last time I did Xmas at MILs I was expecting to cook for 11. 5 days before I was told it was now 14. Not a problem, went shopping, bought more. On Xmas Eve MIL informed me that 14 was now 17 Shock

Now that was a stressful Christmas!

YANBU OP, but 8 isnt too bad to cook for. I'd suggest that whatever you've already bought, tell SIL and BIL to buy the same again and just double your recipes.

ENormaSnob · 16/12/2012 19:29

Yanbu at all. They are very rude.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 16/12/2012 19:31

they are not going away now and they are coming to ours

No they aren't. Not unless you agree to it.

You can't invite yourself to someone's for dinner, you have to ask.

Pleasenomorepeppa · 16/12/2012 19:47

This happened to me a couple of years ago. BIL just rang on 22nd & said that SIL thinks its odd we've never spent Christmas together, (they normally go to her family) then suggested that they come to us with their 2 DCs & what time would they be needed.
We were so shocked we just said ok!
We live in a block of flats with big communal space & luckily were doing Christmas with our neighbour so had lots of food etc.
They didn't know this however & were expecting to have us host them in our tiny flat.
We did ask them to contribute, as we'd all put in money to fund the meal etc, so they came with a pudding (not enough to go round) & 2 bottles of wine!
Tis the season & all that Xmas Grin.

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