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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel so low about this every year when I know what to expect?

25 replies

lidlqueen · 16/12/2012 00:44

I get so down at this time of year, it is just me and the 2 children, my parents were divorced and my dad remarried and had several more children and my mum later married a dry alcoholic and then died. About ten years ago I did invite us to my dad's for Christmas but have not had an invite since, once or twice I hinted or asked but there was always some reason why we couldn't come, like other guests coming or something. It really upsets me and that rubs off on the children. My full bro married into some society family and has blanked me ever since, he doesnt like the way I talk or that I do say 'toilet' or 'garridge' - the whole thing just upsets me so much, my mum departing so early (and being married to a wanker) Usually my dad just blanks us for the whole of December but this year we are still chatting, I just know there is no point in even asking if we can come for Christmas. On Xmas morning itself he will be down at the church praying for those with no family at Xmas. He is a great guy but seems to be under control of his wife, who finds our very existence (me and Bro) a bit of an embarrassment (I heard her whisper it once) and all her children are obviously more important, with their partners etc.
OK so I should get a grip as I am pushing 50? Or should I invite us and then get more upset when the answer is no?

OP posts:

Loveweekends10 · 16/12/2012 00:50

I know it's upsetting for you but I think you just have to leave it and make it a great Christmas for your children and not look to the past or what could have been. When parents behave like this you just have to be more determined not to be like that with your kids.

Original poster

lidlqueen · 16/12/2012 00:57

yes that is good advice, thank you loveweekends10...have to move on...

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 16/12/2012 01:04

start your own traditions with your children,

sit down with them and plan a special day, ask your children to suggest their favourite things,music,food

plan a special stocking opening,

plan a special breakfast,

plan a special walk

plan a special meal,

plan a special present opening,

plan a special family game session,

plan a special film watching session.

make those things , your family things to at christmas,

make those special things, your family things you do together at christmas, if others are to silly to want to join in with your special day, that's their loss.

your family will grow and your tradition of sharing the love and creating a family time will the way of doing things,

if others have failed to grasp the meaning of christmas that's sad and not your responsibly to pursue it, put your energy into having a great time together.

Disappearing · 16/12/2012 01:08

I think your DC are more important than your Dad and his new family, so, it's easy for me to say, but try to enjoy their company on Christmas, and do something nice, and special with them.

I grew up in the same situation as your DC, it was just me and my bro, and my mum. This was fine when we were young, what upset me in the end was that she used to go out and work, and leave us DC home alone on Xmas (we weren't terribly young then, say from age 13 & 15 upwards), so she prioritised her work over our Xmas. In hindsight I think my mum was just too meek to arrange with her boss to stay home, we weren't so poor she had to work that one day.

Try not to let your disappointment with your dad spoil things more than necessary for yourself, or your DC. Hope you have a good time!

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2012 01:11

You'd just be setting yourself up for a fall wouldn't you?

If you know they're not keen on having you over (and as you say, it's possible your Dad could really want to see you/yours over Christmas, but is too much under the thumb stuck between a rock and a hard place), what is it that compels you to still yearn for it so much that it's impacting on your life so much?

The most obvious answer is that you're lonely and want to have contact with people who you feel are meaningful to you and could give you security of a sorts, regardless of the reality of the situation that they're always letting you down.

What kind of contact do you have with other people who aren't your immediate family?

mumineedawee · 16/12/2012 01:12

quoteunquote makes some great suggestions.

My family are non-existent, but it has made me so determined to have a fun life. I would have been upset at so many of the things they left me and my children out of, that I lost a good few years to this misery.

I woke up one day and thought: bugger them, lets have fun. So forevermore, we have added a new tradition, or two, to our christmas, birthday, halloween, midsummer.... whatever celebration.

It is possible to be happy without these people. At least your children have you, so try and enjoy the holiday.

Greensleeves · 16/12/2012 01:12

lovely post quoteunquote x

I think OP you need to focus on building your children's memories of family Christmases with their mum. They won't be saying what you are saying now about not being wanted, they will remember being the centre of attention and having you all to themselves!

I don't see my mother or older siblings at all now for reasons I won't bore you with. Christmas does make it all a bit more raw. But we focus on making our own little family Christmas with our own little habits and treats.

Original poster

lidlqueen · 16/12/2012 01:17

what is it that compels you to still yearn for it so much that it's impacting on your life so much? that is a good question agentzigzag and one for me to think about.
I do have a handful of good friends although mostly unconnected to each other and my mum's old friend who is my atheist Godmother( who we will see before Xmas) -
thanks for good advice everyone...

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2012 01:27

IMO you're looking for what you've idealised as the unconditional love, security and care you think these family members can give you.

Is there a time in the past when all those things were true for you, especially at Christmas? And you're trying to (understandably) reconnect with that feeling?

Is it just December that you feel it, or does Christmas just accentuate the lack of care you feel from your family through the rest of the year?

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2012 01:27

Sorry, they're all questions

Greensleeves · 16/12/2012 01:31

In some families I think you just have to find a way of accepting that you are not going to get that unconditional love whatever you do. I find that the most healing thing I can do for myself is to give my own children the security and love I didn't have - and an unexpected bonus is that they give it back.

Also I think we create new families for ourselves - friends and other relationships which are healthier and more reciprocal than the ones we could have with our parents or siblings.

Christmas really brings all this stuff out of the woodwork

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 01:46

You say you are pushing 50, an i suppose folk like us (Im 43) should feel all grown up and stuff by this age...but we often don't , we still feel like little children.

If your dad was to invite you round for Christmas Dinner .....would that make you better?

If quessing there is a lot more to the family dynamics than just Christmas Day

Original poster

lidlqueen · 16/12/2012 01:47

too right Greensleeves....
good questions though AgentZigZag Christmas accentuates what I feel most of the time. If there was a Christmas that I am idealising it would be about 35 years ago!!! (Before my dad went off with OW and got his new improved family) - God i sound so childish I should really get a grip!!
We have a movie planned and a great dinner and some board games....

OP posts:

Original poster

lidlqueen · 16/12/2012 01:49

actually no elfbambinos an invite would actually be awkward by this stage, not to mention dealing with the effed up dynamics of half siblings etc.,.....so that was a good question too.....

OP posts:

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 01:54

Next year if you can affort too, go away somewhere, its your christmas do as you please with it.

yellowsubmarine53 · 16/12/2012 02:04

Christmas is so evocative isn't it - Charles Dicken's 'A Christmas Carol' resonates for so many people with its ghost of Christmas past and the rest.

It's totally understandable that you feel relegated by your father's behaviour but it's out of your control and as you say, planning your day with your own brood (could you invite a friend over for a drink or tea or something? that might help) is the best way forward.

I agree with mrsfibble that next year, make sure you're proactive about making plans, whether that involves going away or not. Reactively waiting about waiting for an invitation is so depressing and anxiety-producing and makes anyone feel worse.

yulebrynner · 16/12/2012 02:08

from experience I can say that, as long as I believed there was love behind a closed door, I kept knocking.

Then I realized there was no love behind the door either and I was wasting my time. It wasn't just not there for me, it was just not really there. If the people I loved had any ability to be loving, they would have been. If they were loving, they would not have been conditional and locked me out.

But you do have a family - your children. Let the disappointments of the past recede into the distance and enjoy the love you really do share with your family now.

Being the acid-tongued shrew that I actually am, in your shoes I would ask my dad to pray for me down at the church since I have no family to visit with either. But that would not be the high road. Though, the blind hypocrisy is noted.

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2012 02:08

It's not childish at all, lidl, you're still the same person who was that little girl.

I don't see most of my family (mum and brother included), but I think the difference between us is that I made that choice myself rather than having it thrust on me (although at my most self pitying moments I wonder whether I really did make the choice as I think I did to take control, or whether it was actually foisted on me by other peoples behaviour and I had no choice. I keep it well boxed up and try not to dwell on it which helps)

I can honestly say though that I've never been upset at not seeing them (at Christmas or otherwise), sentimental sometimes at the things we had together, but I know it's right that those times will never come back.

You shouldn't want to be with someone at Christmas when you know they don't feel the same (not necessarily for negative reasons to you of course, but because his circumstances don't allow it) and it's why you still feel that longing knowing what you know about the situation, that is important.

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2012 02:10

Good, but sad, post yule.

yulebrynner · 16/12/2012 02:16

it does make christmas and all other times better to know you are in the right place with the right people, and enjoy loving them and being loved back.

DeckSwabber · 16/12/2012 08:52

Is there another family like yours that you could hook up with for part of the day? Another single parents at school, or a single person with no family who would enjoy some company?

DeckSwabber · 16/12/2012 08:56

BTW, its not at all unreasonable to feel so low about this and it is (in my experience) healthy to acknowledge those feelings sometimes.

EuroShagmore · 16/12/2012 09:11

My parents are not terribly sociable, so it was always just the three of us for Xmas. I loved it, tbh. There was no chaos, no rows, just a lovely chance to spend time together. I never saw it as anything other than a positive to have a quiet family Xmas. Can you turn it around and try to see it as a good thing?

IMO, the only thing that is making you feel like this is emotional baggage because small family christmasses are ace! Let the baggage go and enjoy some time off together with your children.

Mia4 · 16/12/2012 09:13

YANBU, some people (our dad's family) are just self absorbed. I agree with make Christmas your own. You could always invite friends over too, or have your kids friends and yours on boxing day or Christmas eve?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 16/12/2012 11:21

I don't usually get teary over MN posts, but this one has done it for me. Lidl, my father is also with another partner (My mother died some years ago) and it is as if my sisters and I are second rate problems to be tolerated rather than children of his to be loved. It is fucking hurtful. My father is not in the same country as me (yet) so the Xmas thing does not affect me, but I appreciate fully how you feel.

Quoteunquote has made brilliant suggestions that I will take up for me and my DH and DS. Hope you have a good one after all!

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