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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DP should have taken my side about this

53 replies

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 19:59

Background - DP and I been together for over 3 years currently looking to buy a place together. We also hope to marry next year.
His sister got married a few months ago. I got on okay with sis at first and still ok on surface. However over the last year she has been making the odd snide comment - very difficult to pin down - just feel I'm being got at. I don't think she dislikes me - more that she thinks I am not a suitable life partner for her brother. Tbh I think his parents secretly share this attitude though they are nice to me and on the whole I like them.
Anyway - she gt married in Kent and we are up north. Invited to the wedding - had to beg for time off work and pay travelling expenses and hotel to attend - a lot of money for me. My DP played no formal part in the wedding which was a very traditional affair. Found out a few weeks before the event that she had arranged for him to sit at the table with bridesmaids and best man and placed me far away with 7 random strangers.
I asked DP to object to this arrangemet but even though he knows I am shy and would hate spending a copuple of hours with strangers he did not want to rock the boat. Also he said he didn't think it was intended as an insult to me.
So this has been festering and I guess I am asking whether you think I am over reacting and am wrong to take it as a personal insult. Do you think he should have insisted on sitting with me?I do not have much experience of formal weddings but I really did not think that's the way to do things.

OP posts:

IceNoSlice · 14/12/2012 20:02

This was a few months ago? Move on, I'd say. No point dragging up old issues now.

HollyBerryBush · 14/12/2012 20:07

Her wedding, her arrangements - so unless you are trying to force an estrangement between DP and his family ...... YABU

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 20:12

If this took place months ago then I'd move on and stop thinking about it.

It's not what I'd do but then I've little time for the sort of "etiquette" that makes guests feel uncomfortable. However, as brother of the bride I imagine he'd been counted as part of the wedding party. I'd be interested to know what happened when the photographs were taken. Were you included in the family shots?

Original poster

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 20:12

Okay - I would have been unreasonable iyo to force an estrangement which I am glad to say I didn't.
But was I unreasonable to take it as a sign of hostitility?

OP posts:

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 20:13

I sat with a table of strangers at SIL's wedding.

DH walked her down the aisle, so was part of the wedding party.

It didn't bother me, although I find the splitting up of couples onto separate tables like that a bit tacky.

It's pretty common (in all senses of the word), though.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 20:14

But was I unreasonable to take it as a sign of hostitility?

Yes.

Original poster

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 20:15

Thanks Pandemoniaa - I was exclude from most of the family shots and asked to sit on a wall and wait while the photos were taken. The only one I was in was a very large group shot and only that because one of his cousins dragged me into the shot

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 20:16

excluded

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 14/12/2012 20:18

Pretty sure that traditional etiquette doesn't dictate that siblings of the bride or groom sit with the bridesmaid or groomsmen.

Whether that was a deliberate snub to you is anyones guess.

kinkyfuckery · 14/12/2012 20:19

Who are you annoyed with? Your SIL for placing you separately in the first place, or your bloke for not saying anything?

YuleBritannia · 14/12/2012 20:19

Well, until you marry your DP, you are not a member of the family, are you? You count as the bride's brother's friend. Once you are married, I hope things change for you.

Do you wear an engagement ring yet?

IceNoSlice · 14/12/2012 20:20

Ok so apart from the wedding, has there been anything else? And what exactly do you want here? If you are concerned that DP is not being supportive then talk to him about it.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 20:20

That can't have made you feel very wanted at the wedding, OP although I'm not sure that they are hostile. However, they do come across as thoughtless and unwelcoming.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/12/2012 20:21

His sister doesn't consider you to be a member of the family. Maybe shes seen other girlfriends come and go over the years, or maybe she really really liked/loved/got friendly with one of his exes, and for whatever reason she doesn't want to get close to you.
Don't let it bother you, you live miles away, hardly ever see them, and he loves you. If I'd been you I'd have refused to go to her wedding, but I grew out of the need to appease people I don't care for years ago, I just don't care anymore, and I do know that normal lots of people can't do that but get upset and concerned about others. Just write it off, let it go, and get on with your life together. If ever she says or does anything snotty, just ignore her, rise above it, and treat it with the disdain such behaviour deserves. She has no hold over you, and is meaningless in every way that matters.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 20:22

Well, until you marry your DP, you are not a member of the family, are you? You count as the bride's brother's friend.

She's rather more than that, surely if they've been together for 3 years and are talking of marriage themselves. In any case, you don't need to be married to be a member of a family. If we used that yardstick in my family you'd write off half of it!

Whatistodaysname · 14/12/2012 20:25

As far as I am aware, this would have been the norm at some of the formal weddings I have been to.

I have been to weddings where ALL couples have been split up, I dont think it was a snub.

blueraincoat · 14/12/2012 20:30

Well, until you marry your DP, you are not a member of the family, are you? You count as the bride's brother's friend.

Mumofjz · 14/12/2012 20:31

As the others have said, ignore her, she is IMO being a bitch.

And yes, you boyfriend should have said he wanted to sit next to you, he didn't need to give a reason.

It's over and done with now, just chalk it up to experience and a bit of an insight into her flawed character

Original poster

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 20:33

No Pom - I am the only serious girl friend he has had and the only one his family has met.
The rest of your post is great - really helpful

OP posts:

EmmaBemma · 14/12/2012 20:36

It was a long time ago and best left alone, but yeah I think that's pretty rude. When I got married, my BIL's then girlfriend was on the top table with us. I wouldn't dream of sticking her on a table full of strangers.

HollyBerryBush · 14/12/2012 20:37

My brother had a random when we got married, fortunately she managed to get herself locked in the church and doesn't appear in any of the photos

Original poster

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 20:40

Who are you annoyed with? Your SIL for placing you separately in the first place, or your bloke for not saying anything?

Bit of both I think, Kinky

I would have had no problem not sitting with DP - had he been part of the wedding party. Well I would have hated it - but put up with it.
It is the fact that I fear she did it to be nasty. I am extemely shy of strangers - that is one of the things she jibes at me about a little.
I did say that maybe if i could not be with Dp I would not go - but then i was made out to be the unreasonable one - so I caved.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 20:45

My brother had a random when we got married, fortunately she managed to get herself locked in the church and doesn't appear in any of the photos

I'm sure she was equally pleased not to have to mix with the sort of people who describe other guests as "randoms".

PanickingIdiot · 14/12/2012 20:46

I'd have assumed I was only invited to the wedding out of politeness, so I'd have sent a gift with my best wishes but politely declined the invitation, with some excuse of prior commitment, if needed. I don't think she was hostile with you in purpose, I think you were just low on her priority list and by being there you made the whole situation more awkward for yourself.

To be fair, in her shoes I'd have made an effort to include you, but perhaps it wasn't entirely in her control (there's lots of power play going on around weddings), so I'd be inclined to let it go.

Original poster

Lifeskills · 14/12/2012 20:47

Well, until you marry your DP, you are not a member of the family, are you? You count as the bride's brother's friend. Once you are married, I hope things change for you.

Do you wear an engagement ring yet?

Yule - you have hit on a sore point!
I do not wear a ring and although he proposed to me 18 months ago he refuses to make our plans official or to be more specific - tell his family. All our friend and colleagues know but we live miles from his family so it is easy to keep under wraps. I think he is afraid of the reaction but have not quite got to grips with why.

OP posts:

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