DS first overnight stay at his dads

[AnneNonimousLetterToSanta]

Morning all

My DS is 9 months and will be sleeping over at his dads for the first time on Saturday night. I am obviously terrified as it will be my first night away from him but trying not to let my feelings get in the way as I know it has to happen, and probably better now when he's relatively easy about where he goes.

However DS's dad has proposed he picks him up Saturday morning, has him overnight and drops him back on Sunday evening at bedtime. So I'd be away from him for two days. While whole weekends are what we will be aiming for DS to have with his dad so far he's only ever had him for a maximum of six hours so to go from that to two days makes me feel panicky.

Would I be unreasonable to say he can get him Saturday evening instead and bring him back Sunday evening? It probably won't go down well and I will have to fight my case.

I don't want my baby to leave me at all so need some perspective!

kim he will react badly, he likes to tell me what is going to happen and doesn't like to be challenged. I know DS would be fine for two days - it's me that would miss him! Is this a good enough reason? It won't be for him. I don't think it's terribly unreasonable when he's only had him for six hours before and I am looking to build up the time.

It definitely will be a shock to him he seems to think being a line parent is a luxurious walk in the park and I have no stress!

Yanbu - I'd hate to be away from my DD for that long suddenly.

But he is his dad.

I think you would be reasonable to ask for a more gradual build up.

Lone parent*

You would be reasonable to ask for a more gradual build up. I'd you do, I suggest you make clear how it will progress to two full days, maybe over the Christmas period? He'll be more likely to agree if his "end" is in sight.

kim he's been seeing him for six hours once a week. So two days is very different.

I plan to have a long hot bubble bath and a lay in, but will probably end up awake all night missing him!

greatuncleeddie good idea I will try to approach it that way.

I think asking for a slightly shorter time is reasonable. Also if he likes to tell you how things will be then it is important for you to stand your ground and say back how you think it will be right from the start otherwise it will be harder for you to change it later. It may be that you suggest it's slightly shorter this time and offer to extend it next time so it's clear that you aren't trying to deprive him of time with DS but just ease all 3 of you into the new routine. Alternatively if you don't want a confrontation say he can always bring DS back earlier on Sunday if that would help in case he has a bad night with DS or something - act like you're doing him a favour

I have a friend who's been through this recently. Very odd getting used to it but ok now a few months in. She found it weird not knowing how her DS was or what he was doing much more than the idea of him being away as such. She also realised she needed to have weekend plans for herself so she wouldn't fret - either going out and seeing friends or staying home but with plans to lie in/ cook a nice meal etc. Having no plans made her weekend seem really empty and the time drag and she worried more.

Good luck!

Yes, a bit. DH had DSSs Thurs-Sun from DSS2 being about 9 months and coped fine. His ex apparently found it hard but that's what happens when a relationship breaks down - lots of things are hard.

WaitingForMe it's not about his age, I'm happy to build up to full weekends I just don't want to be away from him for two days so suddenly when I've only ever been away from him for six hours before. I don't doubt that his dad will cope although I do believe it will be a shock to him.

I've told him he could pick him up tomorrow evening and bring him back Sunday evening and he's got angry saying he doesn't get much time with him (I've never kept him from him) and I'm just trying to make things difficult. He just doesn't get it.

Maybe you should give him the whole weekend and the shock will do him some good?

I agree with Tiny - I think you need to let him for for the whole weekend. He will be fine and you will eventually come to cherish your "me" time :)

It's a difficult one. I quite see why you don't want to be apart for two whole days when, up to now, it has been 6 hours but equally, it might have been easier to start negotiations from the basis that your ex can have him Saturday night to Sunday evening with the understanding that this will eventually build up to 2 days.

If you've already agreed to the proposed arrangement and you have a difficult ex then he's going to see this as you backing out of an agreement. Despite the fact that I can see exactly why you are.

I'm not planning to never let him have the whole weekend I'm expecting to increase the time after this weekend it's just the first night away from me so I'd rather it wasn't two whole days.

I hadn't proposed the whole weekend I'd told him we could increase time and start building up to overnight but he said to keep it for 6 hours for now then he sprung this on me last night.

I would be in favour of building up more slowly. The first night away he should be bringing him back after breakfast really. But, having said that if he's usually happy with his dad he'll probably be fine.

I'm sure he will be fine as DS's dad lives with his mum and sisters who will all help him and as far as I know DS is happy there. As I said before I don't doubt that he will cope - it will be a shock but he will cope. It's just that I have only ever been away from him for six hours and its hard for me. Six hours to 2 days feels like too much! I'm happy to build up time I just don't want to be away from him for 2 days so suddenly.

Oh, if it's only just last night this has been arranged, how about speaking to him and saying I think it's great you want to see DS for longer and I'm really enthusiastic about it, but I've been thinking, since he's so young let's build up to 2 days over a few visits - first let's try a whole day (just after breakfast to just before bedtime), then an overnight (when you drop him back after breakfast) and then two days. Then if he's unsettled for any of these visits it gives you a chance to keep it at that level for a couple more visits until he gets used to it.

It's not like you're saying you don't trust him, it's just about making it smoother for DS and less overwhelming for him.