Pulling your weight

[denis56]

So, I started a new job, dream job, 3 months ago. It's brilliant. Long hours. Big commute. I'm home by 7. I drop the kids off at nursery. Husband picks them up. Ages 6 & 3. So one in before & after school club. They've always both been full time in nursery, I've always worked. I have a good career. Last year I was out of work for 6 months. I think husband loved coming and going as he pleased, not that he's ever overly done much in terms of helping. He said I am now neglecting my family, putting my job before him, & then before the kids. I'm now earning a lot more than him & I think he has issues with it. I suggested he cooked the kids tea & he got all arsey about it!? Said I was expecting him to so everything. Am I expecting too much?

of course not!

if anything, he should be doing more - esp. the cooking, as he gets in first. Its just common sense

if you're both working full time, then cooking/cleaning has to be split half and half, or whatever ratio is fair

sit down and have a talk about it - draw up a mealplan for the week, and ask which days he will be cooking the tea

btw, "neglecting your family"

if anything, by earning a good salary, you are putting your family first and foremost

Unless you keep all your salary to yourself and spend entirely on yourself, leave all the housework let alone childcare to him, and withold sexual favours as a bargaining tool, no I don't think you're asking too much of him.

With good salary between you is it possible to take on a nanny of either gender in your home or arrange a childminder? Is it worth paying for a cleaner once a week? (Did you feel demeaned by taking on domestic stuff when out of work, so much so you didn't do it?).

This would show that working and excelling in your field benefits all. It also paves the way for any future arrangements if these grumbles are the tip of a me man, you woman no go earn more than me iceberg.

You haven't said anything about how the rest of the housework and childcare is split. If he's doing the majority of that and working fulltime, then that's too much. If you're getting them ready in the morning by yourself, and doing half of the rest of the housework and childcare at the weekends, then he's taking the piss and of course he should cook tea.

What happens with the tea at the momment? Does he make the DCs wait until you've gotten home?

"He said I am now neglecting my family, putting my job before him, & then before the kids." My DH went through a patch of prioritising his work over DD and I, down to things like leaving her/us stuck at her childcare setting, and at a friends house, because he felt he needed to work late. If there's a similar situation happening with you then he might have a point. If he's said the above because he thinks, as the woman, you should be the one rushing home to cook for your family, then he can fuck the fuck off, and stop being a sexist idiot!

Thank you all so much.

I have to get the girls ready on my own in the morning. He goes to work early. I have to cook when I get in so they're eating late, he puts a DVD on for them and gives them crisps. I put them to bed every night. Even if I go out I have to get them ready for bed first.

When I wasn't working, I did all of it and more. He didn't help me financially and left me struggling with JSA to buy food etc. left me with debts that I'm now paying off. We've been together for 20'years. He managed to buy himself a camera for £600 though.

I buy all the kids clothes, food, pay nursery (1.2k per month). I buy their toys.

I'm just so fed up, Im pretty certain I'm going to leave with the girls.

Making children that young wait until you get in at 7 is .

My DP is far from perfect but more than able and willing to do tea for the DC if he has to.

You should be coming home and spending time with them while getting them ready for bed at that time of night.

Well that sounds like at present your life would be enhanced by you & DDs living on your own! So, were those all your debts? Do you have a joint account? Are you both going through the motions, does he show any affection or is that one way too?

When a poster has children I'd never rush to cry ltb unless they are subjected to abuse. You know whether this is a blip or something deeper. It does sound as though you are starting to notice cracks. Is it possible for you both to discuss things calmly, have a real heart to heart?

Only when you've tried talking will you know. If you need a hand to go forward you could try counselling as long as it was agreed by both of you.

If in the new year you decide things are irreparable, seek advice as to how things would stand if you separate.

And this is after 20 years together ? I'd ask yourself where, on the basis of his past behaviour, you're going to be in 10 years time.

Myself, I'd try to talk things through.

Then take legal advice.

At least if you left he would have to pay maintenance.

I kept asking for money to help pay for stuff when I wasn't working & he just said he couldn't keep paying for everything, and said I had enough. So I juggled. Ran up card debts. It was easier to do that than ask. My brother helped. Honestly, I kept asking.

He now says because Im earning what I am, I need to help him out & give him money! Even though he never gave me a penny. When I went back to work, I had to pay nursery up front before I was paid. I told him this. I don't know where he thinks I found 1.5k at the time!!

Op this is a ridiculous situation. Couples share their lives. That means the work and the money. How it is divided is a matteer of discussion between the parties but your DH doesn't seem to want to share or discuss.

You are in effect a single parent. With an obnoxious, selfish leech along for the ride.
He is not a partner, a parent in any sense of the word or a provider (seeing as he won't share when the chips are down)
Why are you wasting time with this loser? does he have some massive plus point which is good enough to mitigate such awful behaviour? Nope, thought not!
LTB

Ouch I don't like the sound of this, can you exercise your free half hour with a solicitor before Christmas to get the lay of the land? Write out points to cover before you go in case your mind goes blank.

Btw when you cook in the evening is it for the 4 of you with food you buy? If you can get yourself a decent lunch during the day and just soup or sarnies at night. I'd not spend money catering for the Man Who Thinks Crisps are Nourishment for Little Ones.

Right so there is evidence of financial abuse straight off. Has he always been like this?

I don't think you really need to ask if YABU. You seem to already know what you need to do. The money thing is awful- he would not give you money to feed his own children and you now have debts? You would be better off on your own, really. YANBU about anything, quite frankly.

Has he always been like this? i think 20 minutes of him would be enough for most people let alone 20 years. YABU to have stayed with him so long.

Honestly, he has. But I'm only just realising.

I have some support. So I'm trying to build the courage to tell him I'm leaving. But need to tell him before Xmas! I feel guilt. He honestly doesn't see it.

Good luck OP.