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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have a clumsy tantrum

51 replies

Clumsyoaf · 13/12/2012 14:17

Hi... just wanted to ask a wwyd? and would IBU....

Was invited to my lovely MIL for dinner last night - shes very thoughtful, it was my birthday, my husband is away and she knew I would be on my own. She had invited some of the family and generally made a fuss.

All was going well, left 4 year old DD on sofa with blanket whilst i went to nappy change the little one, i realised that I had left the sudocream in the change bag downstairs and heard an exchange between MIL and SIL's... I know eavesdropping always end in trouble but I have to admit I am very nosey. It appears that my SIL's are trying to persuade my MIL to "uninvite" me to xmas day dinner. Apparently the kids are too much of a hand full and it will take away the kind of xmas they want. They suggested they all come to clumsys early morning with a picnic breakfast to watch the kids open presents but leave it at that.

I am actually really really hurt by this, I have no family nearby and whilst I am meeting new people through the children i dont know anyone well enough outside the family with who i can share xmas day with. My mil sounded like she was on the verge of tears- which i feel horrible about. MIL said she will speak with me.

My SIL's although not close, are friendly enough. They always make effort on birthdays and fuss over the children... I cant think of anything that the children may have said or done to make them uninvitable...

I really can't understand why a day thats (in my opinion) all about the children means excluding mine at a family xmas day dinner. Btw, DH has a very big family, they have always come to MILand everyone chips in and its always lovely.. but my children are the youngest (my DH is the youngest of the family with a 12 year age gap between him and youngest SIL).

So, what do i do? WWYD? a part of me wants to save myself and MIL the humiliation by pulling out on my own accord... offer to come to MIL/FIL for breakfast or them come to mine but say dinner may be too much for the children. OR Do I sit it out and wait to see what is said? Or, do I raid the rainy day fund and fly out to my family and not tell any of them where I am (thats not even an option ...really ... wish it was).

I have really no one else that I can talk to ...Thanks if you have managed to stay awake this long...

OP posts:
youarewinning · 13/12/2012 14:49

Oh love, that sounds awful situation to be in. Your MIL sounds marvelous though!

I agree a compromise may be needed but not the breakfast one. If you really don't want to feel uncomfortable after overhearing the conversation how about sugessting they have an adult morning whilst the DC's open pressies at home from you and DH and then go to MIL in the afternoon for lunch.

I use to go to mums all day on Christmas day but as LP with a young DS (the only child) I always felt out of place.Now we do the afternoon thing. My brother is forces and is always home over christmas at mum and dads whilst his girlfriend is at her mums. My sister now has a DS who's just turned 1 and they do her DP's parents on xmas morning!
Basically they have an adult morning, child centered afternoon and then I drop my brother at his girlfirends on the way home and mum and dad have lots a few drinks in peace!

Personally I agree your SIL is being a cow to discuss it whilst your present - my solution is only if YOU decide to make it shorter after hearing it.

fishandlilacs · 13/12/2012 14:50

Right you need to get on the phone to your SIL and tell her what you heard.

You need to be calm and say how you're feeling and how surprised you are.

Christmas is all about kids isn't it? What sort of Christmas do they want?

It doesn't have to be a confrontation

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/12/2012 14:52

I literally can't believe that your SILs want you to eat Christmas dinner alone with the DC while their DB is deployed. What bitches.

I really think you should communicate calmly and truthfully with MIL. Say what you heard, say that you understand she is in a difficult position and say what you want. Don't sweep it under the rug, it will fester.

EldritchCleavage · 13/12/2012 14:54

By all means have your PIL over to Xmas breakfast, but not your SIL, after what they've cooked up. It really does smack of selfishness.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 13/12/2012 14:59

I know I can't let it be swept under the carpet.

I'm jut trying to think of my MIL and her position, she is really the only person I have here for me right now, I dont want her to feel bad or awakward..

I think Eldrith it is selfish, i know there have been times when the older GC have wanted to watch something and DD and DS have spoilt it for them but they are young...

Im also glad I had overheard, how humiliating would it have been if MIL says nothing and I was there at xmas dinner not knowing that they all felt we were spoiling their xmas

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 13/12/2012 15:03

"I'm jut trying to think of my MIL and her position, she is really the only person I have here for me right now, I dont want her to feel bad or awakward.. "

Actually, that's too bad. Her daughter has behaved appallingly and your MIL should be pulling her up on it.

I'd maybe have the PIL over for breakfast and you and your DCs spend the day by yourselves doing lovely things.

SugaricePlumFairy · 13/12/2012 15:08

I understand why you wouldn't want your dh upset isn't he going to question you if he finds out that you won't be at MiL's on Christmas Day?

Hopefully MiL will insist that you and dc's are there.

I can't believe they'd be comfortable knowing there's the three of you at Home Christmas Day while they celebrate together.

BridgetBidet · 13/12/2012 15:32

Doesn't your brother live nearby? He wassupposed to be helping set up at your daughters birthday party remember? The shared one with the twins and the pirate bouncy castle all the fuss was over?

maddening · 13/12/2012 15:34

Where do your parents live? Is it to late for you to arrange to visit them? Go down the Monday and come back on the Thursday.

Tbh I would have to tell her that I had overheard and that it had hurt me to hear their discussion.

wineandroses · 13/12/2012 15:49

I think this all needs to come out into the open, and that can only happen once you've talked to MIL. It also gives SILs an opportunity to apologise and explain why they said what they said. If that happened, it might smooth everything over prior to Christmas.

Once you've had conversations, you should probably update DH so he knows what's going on. He will be furious with everyone, including you, if you don't go and no-one's tried to resolve it.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 13/12/2012 16:38

Thank you Bridget, I do know my own family Hmm my brother went home to our family for thanksgiving and wont be back until 15th January, after which time he is only here until mid march when he returns home for good. But thanks for the reminder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 13/12/2012 16:39

Maddening, my parents are in the states. I moved here 12 years ago to be with DH..

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 13/12/2012 17:17

This thread is making my blood boil. The SILs know that your family are in a different country and your DH is deployed and they don't want you at Christmas dinner. I am Angry.

Even if your DC were, in order; Damien; Chucky; that girl from The Ring I would still not have you alone in this situation on Christmas.

Fakebook · 13/12/2012 17:27

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ourmaninthenorth · 13/12/2012 17:43

What a dreadful situation to be in.

I think you should call your MIL and explain how you feel to her, and how you don;t want her to find herself in this position. Then ask what she really wants. Go along with it, and (even if you don't like it) don't hold it against her.

Then straight away, call the relevant SIL(s). Explain the conversaiton you've just had, and explain you're doing as agreed with your MIL. Tell them that, when their brother is back home from his duties, you'll spend Christmas in the US or just at home as a little family unit and leave them to explain that to their parents and brother.

Oh, and don't forget to wish everyone a very merry Christmas!

twolittlemonkeys · 13/12/2012 17:47

So Xmas Sad and Xmas Angry that your SILs are being so heartless. Although it will no doubt be an awkward phone call, if I were in your shoes, I would have to let MIL know I'd heard the exchange as that will relieve some of the burden she feels about knowing your SILs' views. Hope you manage to smooth everything over in time for Christmas...

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 13/12/2012 17:51

12 years is a big age gap but I just can't fathom why the SILs are so unkind. Surely a decent person reaches out to incomers especially on their own at this time of year, and it's not as if you only met DH a week ago!

If you do phone your MIL whatever the outcome I wouldn't bother contacting SILs and I'd hold off mentioning to DH until you have decided what to do. Could you even get flights to visit your family this close to 25th?

StinkyWicket · 13/12/2012 18:25

I feel really sad that this has happened. Have you called your MIL yet?

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 13/12/2012 19:50

In your shoes ..... text her

'Hi SIL. I over heard you talking to MIL the other day, wanting to uninvite us. You said you wouldn't get the Xmas you want due to my children being badly behaved'

Then leave her to reply

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 13/12/2012 19:52

Or ring and say how hurt you are and relay what you heard to MIL.

BerthaTheMangerBurglar · 13/12/2012 20:09

Plan A: talk to MIL about it in a nice sensible grown-up fashion

Plan B: phone the SIL and gush to her about how lonely you are without dh and how hard it is to look after your little children on your own and how much you're looking forward to Christmas at MIL's and how kind it is of her (SIL) to want to include you and your children and [breathe] how her general awesome loveliness is making a difficult time so much easier to bear. What with your dh being deployed and your family in another country and you on your own with small children and all that. And it is so hard. And she is sooooo kind. Then listen to her squirm.

It is possible that your MIL has no intention of either telling you or changing any plans, of course, and has told SIL off for being selfish, and no one was going to hurt you by telling you.

MammaTJ · 13/12/2012 20:12

Clumsy, just wanted to say, the things you have said on here have dispelled any teeny tiny doubts I had about your previous thread.

This is an awful position to be in. I would say have a good hard look at your DCs behaviour. ANY doubt that what the SIL said may be true?

No? Then have a word with MIL and tell her what you heard. She is the hostess, it is up to her who she invites.

IWishIWasSheRa · 13/12/2012 20:15

You poor thing, you sound lovely! I would ring mil and say " I overheard what sil said and just wanted to ask you honestly if the kids really are a handful or if she is just not used to kids behaviour generally? I'll leave it with you to decide about what she said as I am not going to put any of us in a situation where it's awkward. I think the world of you and we will absolutely not fall out" then see what she says, good luck!

Sexolette · 13/12/2012 21:23

Fakebook- just stop reading the thread if it bothers you so much.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 13/12/2012 21:29

I don't care about coffees or dogs... Maybe I do need to objectively stand back and think about how my DCs are perceived by others. For me they are my world, but they are my only source of human contact the majority of the time... I need to think about this, maybe talk to some RL friends .. I would never tell DH, where he is, what his life is ... In comparison this a storm in a plastic child's tea cup.

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