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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About BIL and Christmas - apologies for unoriginal problem

26 replies

Snowloon · 13/12/2012 10:25

Sorry it's a family / Christmas one. I shall try and be brief.

I'm really looking for normal people's perspectives as I know I'm at the end of the scale when it comes to families as I come from a huge and very close, tight knit family where we do crazy things and go out of our way to see each other and stay in touch.

DH has one sibling - BIL - who lives over four hours drive away. Half the drive is motorway but half is on roads which are not great in ice and snow. Their father has died. Christmas is a big thing for MIL, but she only has a family celebration every other year; the plan is that one year we go to my family (who live in another country) and BIL goes to his in-laws (who stay not far from him), and every other year we host MIL's big family Christmas when MIL and BIL and family come and stay with us. MIL lives close to us.

Two years ago BIL and family did not come up. So MIL was looking forward to this year when we were all getting together - her first time with all he grandchildren. Now BIL has said he is not coming again as he has to work on Christmas Eve and also on 27th, and it is too far.

Now MIL has been told she has to have an operation on 20 Dec. She should be discharged before Christmas and will come and live with us for a week to recuperate. This has a knock on effect for all our other Christmas plans but hey she is my MIL and a lovely lady who asks for very little.

AIBU to expect BIL and SIL and their young child to come up on the night of Christmas Eve for 36 hours?

My MIL is a nervous person who thinks the long drive between where we live and BIL lives is very far and difficult, and has accepted that he can't possibly come. I am not a nervous person and have traveled a lot with many more children, often on my own, but I know it's not right for me to assume that as I'd do this journey in a flash, BIL and family are wrong not to.

So should BIL drive 4 hours with family for 36 hour Christmas or am I nuts?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/12/2012 10:26

I wouldn't for 36 hours

BahSaidPaschaHumbug · 13/12/2012 10:28

A bit nuts I would say. I wouldn't do it unless my mother was very very unwell.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/12/2012 10:30

YABU
Driving 4 hours in the dark and cold after a full day at work doesn't sound very good. If he finishes work at 5pm by the time they get going its going to be 6ish and if the weather is bad the journey could take a lot longer than 4 hours. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't arrive until the middle of the night. That leaves them knackered on Xmas day with the prospect of another long drive on Boxing day.

BlueberryHill · 13/12/2012 10:30

I think it is nuts, could you imagine the post that your SIL would write, DH has to work on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, our SIL is expecting us to drive 8 hours there and back with a young child for 36 hours?

Having spent many years driving around and not relaxing I am determined not to do it (as much at least) so I can completely see their point of view.

Having said that as his DM is having an op, is there another time that he could come up and make it a slightly longer stay?

TherapeuticVino · 13/12/2012 10:30

But it's not 4 hours is it, it's 8 hours altogether (with a small child...)

Can you not go to them?

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/12/2012 10:31

I wouldn't do it after a 4 hour journey taking us 8 hours a few years back at Christmas. Honestly we've never gone away at christmas since it was so hideous.

KentuckyFriedChildren · 13/12/2012 10:32

Personally I would do it too as 4 hours is not that long to see your mum at Xmas (my parents live 000's of miles away so I wish it was that easy). But I can understand why they might not want to. He probably won't fancy the trip on Xmas eve after working all day and driving on Xmas day is not the best wayto spend it with kids. Could you suggest Skype? That is what we will be doing with my folks so they cam still watch the kids open presents and be "involved". I'm sure your mil would be very grateful if you could setthat up esp if she's ill.

MrsLyman · 13/12/2012 10:32

I also think it's a bit crap that he won't go a little bit out of the way to see his mum every other Christmas. Does he visit at other times?

2rebecca · 13/12/2012 10:33

I wouldn't for 36 hours. His Christmas arrangements are also nothing to do with you, or us. He and his wife probably feel they'd have a more pleasant and stress free xmas without 8 hours driving in 2 days. He can visit his mum for a longer period after xmas. I'm only travelling to family because I have xmas eve off. If I just had the 2 days off I wouldn't go, people could choose to either come to me or do their own thing. xmas shouldn't be about spending hours in the car for a brief trip.
Your MIL has you and your kids so won't be alone.
Don't try and control your BIL.

wriggletto · 13/12/2012 10:39

We have this problem each year - driving to see my DPs for about 48 hours, with three hours' (usually quite congested) motorway and an hour each end of potentially icy/snowy roads. We tend to leave it till the last minute to confirm, depending on what the weather's like. The driving's only part of the problem; knowing you have to be in work on the 27th makes it quite tense if it starts snowing, or if it gets icy.

If your BIL has only got 2 days off over Christmas, it's a bit unfair to ask him to spend the best part of the daylight hours sitting in stationary traffic on the M6 driving.

WipsGlitter · 13/12/2012 10:40

I think YABU. I'd hate to do a four hour drive on Christmas Eve with a child for just a short visit. You'd arrive un-pack, have one day of hecticness and then have to pack up again. STRESS CENTRAL.

Also, it's your in-laws - let your DH sort it out.

redskyatnight · 13/12/2012 10:42

I wouldn't either. Such a long drive and work both sides of it would take any pleasure of Christmas. I think you also need to factor in that the driving time might well increase because it's Christmas - it took us 5 hour to make the normally 3 hour trip to my in-laws last Christmas.

However, is BiL planning to visit his mum some other time (maybe in the New Year)? If he's not planning to visit her at all, that seems a bit mean.

Original poster
Snowloon · 13/12/2012 10:44

Ok, IABU clearly. It's good to get some perspective. I didn't want to talk to DH about it if I was BU which it sounds like I am.

Of course, my SIL and nephew could come up before and stay later but she may not want to travel on her own, and as someone said perhaps it is not my business at all.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/12/2012 10:45

YABU - you are basically asking them to sacrifice any enjoyment and relaxation they might have had at Christmas.
I'm sure your bil would be very happy in yours and mil's company - but it's a long way to go for it, and the mjority of the time would be spent chasing their tails and driving.
Your bil would be knackered when he got back, and it would be straight to work as soon as he gets back.

No. I don't think it's a goer. Nothing is going on that warrants so much work on their part. Let them off the hook graciously.

frazmum · 13/12/2012 10:46

I wouldn't do it. There is a good chance the trip to yours could take ages. And not with a young child. How about a catch up around New Year. Good chance to finish off the leftovers.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/12/2012 10:47

I wouldn't want to do it either. We have and do travel for Christmas, but this year are staying put. I am looking forward to it tbh.

prettybird · 13/12/2012 10:48

YABU. He would have one full day topped and tailed with long tiring drives.

What happens if he gets caught in a traffic jam or bad weather? Then he arrives in the early hours of Christmas morning. What a great start to Christmas not Xmas Hmm

It's not fair on his family.

StanleyLambchop · 13/12/2012 10:51

I think if MIL has accepted his reasons then you should too.

ewaczarlie · 13/12/2012 10:52

I would do it - its christmas and a time for family. I sometimes fly to another country just for xmas eve (arrive day before and leave on xmas eve night) so that I can spend time with my family and my DH family (we celebrate xmas eve so it makes it easier to do both each year). and yes with young child

defineme · 13/12/2012 10:55

Not fair on the child-crap xmas for them travelling about late at night in bad weather. There are other days over the festive season that you could get together. It is a special day, but there are lots of other days-I assume your bil sees his dm on other days? It's really not your business to be making judgements about what he should do either.

zlist · 13/12/2012 10:56

YABU
Travelling for 4 hours to stay at someone elses house over christmas would be my idea of hell, especially with the threat of icy roads etc. Not doing it just sounds sensible.
I sure there are plenty of other times in the year where getting together would be more enjoyable for everyone.
I admit I am coming from it from my own irritation of having to do something similar 'because it is Christmas and the right thing to do'. I am dreading it so much it has completely killed Christmas for me (not that I was much into it before!). All I ever want to do mid winter is stay home all warm with the family I live with and enjoy a few, short (few hour) social gatherings close-by.

bigladsdiditandranaway · 13/12/2012 10:56

YABalittleBU, but you sound really lovely. Xmas Smile

DueInSeptember · 13/12/2012 10:56

Sorry, but I think your BIL is reasonable in not wanting to come. It's hell of a long way to come for such a short time and I wouldn't want to do it.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 13/12/2012 10:59

I probably wouldn't do it either, if you've only got two days off to spend with your own partner and children you want to relax, not spend most of it in the car and then have the worry about getting back if the weather deteriorates. Not much fun for his DCs being stuck in the car till really late on Christmas Eve instead of being tucked up cosily at home.

However as a child we used to travel to my GPs every Christmas, 4+ hours each way (mainly motorway though) and I would have hated to miss it, as all the aunts, uncles and cousins lived near them and it was often the only time we saw them all, we never got snowed in and I don't have any memories of late night travel or long traffic jams. My Dad probably took more time off work though and traffic jams weren't such an issue back then.

Original poster
Snowloon · 13/12/2012 11:00

Sadly there aren't other days we can get together. BIL has offered to come up after new year but that it is the only time I can go and see my family, and I'd long made a plan to take all my kids to visit them (just for 48 hours....) So he'll see his Mum but she won't have everyone together which is what she wanted. And now I feel bad about going away.

But I think the way StanleyLambchop has put it makes sense: MIL has accepted, so I should too. As I said before, I have a skewered idea about family which I know most people don't share. Thanks for all your input and perspectives.

OP posts:
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