Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

This is so tricky..... :(

14 replies

glittertree · 13/12/2012 09:17

This is a very tricky subject ...my mother in law has terminal cancer which has left us all shocked and devastated at the moment she is still keeping well and can get out and about and do things...
we like to include her as much as we can with our lives and her granddaughter...my problem lies in that she keeps making really snipey comments these are also directed towards my son who is from my first marriage she makes it very obvious that she doesn't like him last week she told me he was pathetic and ungrateful he is a typical 13yr old boy and does and says things as teenagers do but nothing awful!

If its not that it's loaded comments that I can't help but feel upset inside at all said with a smile on her face...
she comes every day and spends from early afternoon until night at my house and if I don't just sit and talk etc she gets huffy I feel I don't know what to do in my own home because I can't win ...
we take her nearly everywhere with us so that she doesn't feel left out even more so now she is ill but it's hard sometimes to enjoy her company....
i have tried to broach the subject with my husband but it causes rows and he says I am being over sensitive to her ...she must be going through all sorts of emotions being terminally Ill and I can't imagine how awful it is...
but I am finding this whole situation hard to cope with I have no privacy I feel i can't say anything when she is being rude because she is Ill and that isn't fair...but I feel so worn down inside by it all I don't know how to handle this am I just being totally unreasonable to feel this way ?

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 13/12/2012 09:22

Sounds like an awful situation.

Terminal cancer can mean many things. She could have only days to a couple of Weeks to live in which case I'd say suck it up.

Or she could have many months or even years. In which case I think you need to say something as she is making your life hell. It must be terrible to be ill and know you haven't long left but I personally don't believe that gives you a licence to behave like a total bitch to people trying to care for you.

Probably her prognosis will be somewhere inthe middle which will make it harder to call but personally unless she is imminently dying I think you need to say something as it sounds as though shortly your resentment will be obvious anyhow.

LlanbaubleOnTheTree · 13/12/2012 09:24

It's not fair to your son to have step-granny being or saying unpleasant things about him - he's a teenager - things like that can upset them, especially if he thinks his mum agrees or won't stick up for him.

Terminal illness or not, I'd challenge her - maybe along the mumsnet maxim of "did you mean to be so rude?"

Sounds like you all need a bit of space/break - is there any other family who she could visit during the day or take on trips out? Is there a Macmillan nurse you can talk too?

chrismissymoomoomee · 13/12/2012 09:25

What a horrible situation for you to be in.

I think how I would handle this would depend on how long the doctors say she has left.

Is your DH also there from early afternoon until night too?

AllThatGlistens · 13/12/2012 09:25

So sorry to hear about your difficulties with your MIL, it must be a terribly hard time for you all but that in no way excuses the way she treats your DS.

I'd speak to your husband again and ask him to understand that you're obviously sympathetic to what she's going through but that simply doesn't give her the right to speak about your DS that way.

Not much in the way of advice sorry, I'm sure there'll be others along who can offer you much wiser words than I but I do hope you can resolve it soon.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/12/2012 09:27

Oh, difficult one.
I'm sure someone will come on here and say "For goodness sake, your MIL is terminal. Just suck it up"

But has this animosity with your DS been an ongoing thing?
Can you say anything to her if she's spiteful? (I've challenged PILS when they said something to my DS that I thought was unfair. Better in my situation to get it out than let it fester.But I'm not that close to PIL so I'd rather say at the time).
Does your DS say anything to you? Does your MIL say anything directly to your DS?

You might find as she gets more unwell she'll want to do less. Then you might have to go over to her house?
Would that be better or worse? It seems like you can't get on with anything if she's there.

You can't imagine what she's going through, your DH is right. But he has to consider all of you too.
Is there any other family to help out?

Mamf74 · 13/12/2012 09:29

How awful for all of you.

Could I ask, is her prognosis a recent thing? Sadly I had a friend with a terminal diagnosis and she fell into a kind of bitter depression and used it (she said) as an excuse to "be honest" with people, especially close family. It was almost as if she channelled the anger at her diagnosis into sniping at those closest to her and was really sad to see. Her DiL contacted Macmillan and they arranged counselling for her which was really helpful and seemed to help her get back to the lovely lady she was.

She had breast cancer so even though her cancer was terminal she had another 3 or 4 years with us and I know her family were so grateful that things were sorted out early enough that their relationships with her weren't damaged.

Original poster

glittertree · 13/12/2012 09:32

It's been an ongoing thing with my son she constantly screws her face up when he talks and it's not comments just directed at my son it's the loaded ones that are directed towards me as well ...and no my husband is at work all day so it's me that's left !

OP posts:

yummumto3girls · 13/12/2012 09:40

How awful, very very difficult because you don't want to regret things in years to come, however you also don't want you son traumatised for years to come! If it was your mum I'd encourage tolerance but its not and your cheeky husband is at work so I'd be 'out' a lot in the afternoons and be having a word. Suggest your husband goes and spends a few evenings with her and gets an appreciation of what it's like for you.

littlewhitebag · 13/12/2012 09:41

You need to get DH on side with this one and maybe you both need to sit down and have a chat with her along the lines off - you understand things are difficult at the moment and you are glad to be able to provide support for her, however you still have your day to day family life to deal with. You feel that she is being a little (try not to make it over dramatic) unfair towards your DS as he is really just a normal teenager but it is leading to a bit of tension in the house and you want her time spent with you to be as pliant as possible. Maybe get DS on side too and ask him to do some nice things for her - make her a cuppa, check she is warm or comfortable etc. Maybe she just needs to get to know him better?

myroomisatip · 13/12/2012 10:10

That is an awful situation and it is totally unfair that you are the one having to deal with it!

Is it possible your son can join a club two afternoons a week which means you will not be home then and therefore avoid her?

Even if he doesn't join a club, maybe you could go and sit in a library! lol. I would - just to get away from her!

ClippedPhoenix · 13/12/2012 10:18

Being terminally ill does not give anyone the right to be abusive.

I'd tell her that if she didn't change her attitude around my son then should wouldn't be able to visit or she could only visit when your son was busy.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 13/12/2012 10:23

There is the possibility of day hospice care also, for the MIL. My MIL has cancer and although it appears to be responding well, she goes to a day hospice once a week for the day where she meets other people, have lunch and be in nice surroundings. Really helps to raise her spirits.

I also agree with getting Macmillan in in they are not already involved. The can arrange counselling and other things too, that may help relieve the burden on you.

Your DH also needs to be stepping up more, it's his Mum after all.

Scholes34 · 13/12/2012 10:50

The most important person here is your son. He's at a difficult age and could take any comments very personally and dwell on them too much. I think it's going to be difficult to deal with your MIL and change her devil may care attitude towards him, so concentrate on getting the message over to your son that some people can just be downright rude and inconsiderate, but that you think he's a good kid and do what you can to build his self-confidence so he can start to rise above her snide remarks. He's your ally in this.

Floralnomad · 13/12/2012 10:58

You need to get your DH to deal with her . Why does she come to you every day ? I think you need to start finding yourself busy with other things in the afternoons like volunteering at a charity shop. Terminal illness as others have said can mean a multitude of things and also shouldn't be used as an excuse to behave badly and think you are going to get your own way ! I think you and your DH need to have a chat and then stop pandering to her.

Flip