End of tether!

[jenpetronus]

I've never been close to my Mum (long boring story) she's pretty odd, and when I had DS1 almost 11 years ago I realised quite how strange,anyway, we'd struggled along - we had a 4 year period when we didn't speak - but then my Dad (who I did get on with) died unexpectedly 18 months ago aged 59 & I went straight over (she's in the UK, I'm in Europe) helped out, sorted the funeral etc. She seemed sad (naturally) but more normal. She came over here a couple of times, was great with the boys etc.

Anyway, my brother had DD back in March, and since then it's gone from bad to worse - she just isn't interested. Now I'd expect her to behave like that with me, but it's really not fair (imo) to let the boys down. She's recently sold her house & moved back north to be nearer my brother (who I get on fine with) she spends all her time with the new DD. She's told my DC's she'll come over, we've moved beds around, made plans etc then she's changed her mind at the last minute because my Bro is working late and she's "needed" (not at all according to my DSis-in-law)

So a package arrived for Christmas a few days ago - it's not been opened yet obviously, but I know from previous years it's not going to be anything relevant or what they want - how could it be? She hardly knows them. So I emailed my brother (she hasn't given me her new address or phone number) and asked him to tell her not to bother wasting her time and money, they don't know her, she doesn't know them. What is the point?

So, AIBU? Do I just carry on as before? My DC's have no other grandparents as DH's parents are both dead. There is no hope for her & I, but I feel as if whatever I do to try and pursue a relationship with her for them is a waste of time.

I don't know what to suggest OP but I really feel for you, so I wanted to reply.
My DH doesn't get on with his parents so we don't see them, and haven't seen them for nearly 4 years, but I don't feel like my DS is missing out as he has grandparents in my DM and DF.
I feel bad for my DH, but he tried hard with his DM and DF, so that's how it goes.

I would probably be stuck like you though if my DS didn't have any grandparents at all

Practical point first - open the present yourself and see what it is. If it's totally unsuitable and your DC's are young enough for you to get away with it, substitute it for something else. She'll never know, they'll never know.

Other stuff - Remember, it's not you, it's her. She's always been "odd" and she's not going to change now. At least being overseas you don't have to put up with her oddness on a day to day basis. It really sounds like there is nothing you can do.

I'd be thinking about just quietly letting the relationship drift. No need for a dramatic "cutting off". Just stop. Keep in touch with your brother, but leave it at that.

Its a difficult one, I know. But if you feel that your DC aren't getting anything positive from maintaining that 'relationship' then yeah, what is the point? It is sad but there's not much point in putting effort in when she clearly doesn't care.

DH doesn't speak to his dad anymore for various reasons. We haven't lost anything since that stopped because they (he and his wife) very rarely visited anyway and when they did had very little interest in the DC. So we feel that the DC have gained in a way because they no longer will have a 'grandparent' who is basically a stranger everytime he comes and makes them cry!

If it were me, I just wouldn't be arsed trying to keep up the relationship anymore. Just stop bothering with her.

Thanks all for your thoughtful comments.

It's very sad how many people have similar situations.

I think the thing I can't get my head round, as a mother, is how you can behave in such a way. Part of me keeps hoping I've got it wrong, and she'll come good one day (as if)