To not take DD to see her grandmother?

[BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail]

I'll try to give as many details as possible (to avoid drip feeding) without it all getting confusing.

My exMil has refused to have anything to do with me since I split up with exH. She lives 10 minutes from my parents, which is 4 hours from where I live.

When we first split up exH moved in with his mum, so whenever I was visiting my parents he (and his mum) would see DD. I was never allowed to go to the house so would meet him on neutral territory for handovers.

In May this year he moved back to where DD and I live so he could be closer to her. As far as I know he hasn't been back to his mum's since.

DD will be spending Christmas day with her dad where he now lives and I have plans to take her to stay with my parents for a few days between Christmas and New Year.

I have had a conversation with exH about this, informing him of my plans to stay with my parents and to ask him whether he will be visiting his mum at all. He said no because fuel is too expensive. I clarified the point I was trying to make by saying "so DD won't be seeing your mum at all then?" His reply was "no, I suppose she won't."

Thank you if you've got this far.

DD hasn't seen her GM since her 2nd birthday which was back in April. In her whole life she has spent very little time with her so there really isn't any proper relationship and she would probably have no idea who her GM is. I am therefore not prepared to drop her off to spend any time there alone and I'm none too keen to spend any time with my exMil who hates my guts. The atmosphere wouldn't exactly be very merry.

So AIBU to not take her there? I've made it clear to exH what my plans are and he hasn't said anything about me taking her to his mum's.

YANBU at all. If she wants to see her that badly she should mke arrangements through her DS. It will not benefit your DD to be in such a negatively charged environment with you and your ExMIL and she does not know her well enough to be left alone. Dont stress about it and have a lovely Christmas

It's not your problem, it's up to your ex to ake his dd to see her GM

No. YANBU. You're not stopping her seeing your daughter, you're just leaving it up to your ex to make arrangements when your daughter is with him or he wants to make the effort which is perfectly fine.

Under the circumstances you describe then no, I definitely wouldnt take her. It is upto her son to sort out if you and her dont get along.

I don't think you should even be spending time thinking about this. It is between your exH and your MIl (who is very foolish). Just go and spend time with your own parents and let your dd enjoy her relationship with them.

I must be missing something because I don't understand why you are asking the question.

Your ex hasn't said anything about his Mum seeing her GC, the MIL herself hasn't said anything about seeing her GC, so why are you thinking about saying no to her seeing her GC when no one is asking you to let her?

Thank you! I'm in a permanent state of fear that IABU where he's concerned. He could so easily turn it all back on me in the new year so I just wanted to check now that I'm not.

Thanks again

Yanbu

Outraged my fear is that if I haven't offered to take her then I'm being unreasonable. At the moment she probably doesn't even know I'll be going up there. If she finds out later that I've been and kicks up a stink then at least I can be certain that I've made the right decision.

Well then you definitely aren't being unreasonable, and anyone who tried to tell you that you were being unreasonable for not doing something you were never even asked to do would be a fool.

Surely the ex MiL knows that your parents live somewhere near her and that you are likely to visit them at some point? It would be a fair assumption to make, and if she wanted to see her GC enough, then she would find out, wouldn't she?

Did you used to get on with your exMiL? Perhaps you could let her know you are having a quick coffee in a local cafe and she would be welcome to pop in an say hello to her GD. This would allow her the opportunity to come and be nice to you all in a neutral environment. . It would be nice for everyone if you could all be civil to one another. (I completely understand if you don't want to do this).