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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm sure I'm not... but want your advice about to handle this.

18 replies

quesadilla · 12/12/2012 16:10

It concerns my BIL who I've posted about on here in the past week: DH and I are spending Xmas and NY in DH's home country with his family. DH has gone out early. DH's half brother (who is on his third wife at just 37, posted about the difficulties of this if anyone remembers) has been in touch with a list of presents which he wants me to buy for his DCs. They are mainly One Direction-related things for his DD who is obsessed and some other stuff for his infant son. Now admittedly he can't get most of them there and admittedly he says he's going to reimburse me but he's given me a laundry list of about seven items, very specific, each of which costs well over £20 so comfortably over £100. I'm not going to spend that much on my DD, my DH and my parents combined and I also don't really want that much cash outlay on someone else's kids when I'm skint, need the money for my own Xmas shopping and I'm not going to get it back until Boxing Day at the earliest. DH knows he's being unreasonable and has promised to talk about it (and this bloke has form doing this, is always borrowing money off his mum etc). I know I'm well within my rights to tell him I'm not spending that kind of money on his kids but I need to handle it carefully because a) I don't want a diplomatic incident with his family over Xmas and b) because its a poorer country than here they have this perception that English people are swimming in money I want to avoid the perception of ungenerousness. Should I ask him to wire me the money? Or should I just tell him I'm not prepared to spend that much money when it exceeds the money I'm spending on my own family? (also for context his English isn't great so this would have to be done through DH, putting DH potentially in a difficult situation.)

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NotAQueef · 12/12/2012 16:11

Can you get him to transfer you the money in advance so you are not out of pocket? bit cheeky expecting you to take not only the time to go and buy the things, but also to pay upfront.

NotAQueef · 12/12/2012 16:12

meant to say YANBU to ask him to wire the money

MaBumble · 12/12/2012 16:13

Just tell him that you're happy to get him the presents as soon as he sends you the money. If he says he'll pay you after Christmas, say 'sorry, no that will leave me short for my kids presents, it's just not possible'

SallyCinnamonandNutmeg · 12/12/2012 16:13

Just very politely say you're more than happy to get the items but could he possibly wire/ transfer you the money in advance

Bakingtins · 12/12/2012 16:15

I'd get your DH to speak to him and clarify if this is a) a wish list for presents for your niece/nephew from you and DH in which case you'll pick one thing you can afford from the list or b) a list of things that will be from him to his DCs in which case he needs to wire you the money in advance and then you will graciously put yourself out to get them for him, appreciating his difficulty in getting hold of them in his country.
What I wouldn't do is spend the money up front if this will leave you short.

MaxPepsi · 12/12/2012 16:15

DH to DB - Ques has no problems getting you those things so please can you transfer the money to her ASAP as she's still got all her other shopping to get. Once she gets it she can go get them.

Up to him then if he does that or not.

quesadilla · 12/12/2012 16:22

Thanks all. I do think its worth being firm about this, I think he's taking the mickey. I'd never dream of emailing someone I'd met three times and presenting them with a shopping list without offering to send the money upfront. He tried it with DH last year in a similar fashion DH essentially told him where to go but obviously I can't be that direct about it. I talked to DH and he's annoyed thought he'd only asked for the one One Direction CD -- but also doesn't know how to handle.

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honeytea · 12/12/2012 17:27

I'd just say "yes I can get the stuff but we have no wiggle room in our own christmas budget so you will need to send me the money"

I ask my mum to buy and send stuff over from the UK, mainly because the UK is cheaper than where I live but all I ask for is ASDA babygrows and Primark socks. I always offer to send the money and she always says no but at least I offer.

honeytea · 12/12/2012 17:28

Oh an also it might be cheaper for him to just order the stuff from amazon, if it is a European country they do free delivery over 30 pounds.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 12/12/2012 17:30

Yes. Just email him back and say of course I'll get those things for you, no problem. Send me the money and when I have it, I'll get shopping for you.

WelshMaenad · 12/12/2012 17:43

Have him wire you the money first, or suggest he orders them with his credit card from a British website and have them delivered to you so you can bring them over.

quesadilla · 12/12/2012 17:43

honeytea it's not a European country and I don't think Amazon is there. Imported stuff from EU/US is expensive there. I have no problem buying a couple of One Direction DVDs but I don't see why I should spend £150 on the children of someone I hardly know, albeit he's a relative. I also just think its a bloody cheek - even if I was hedge fund rich - which I am not.

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CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 12/12/2012 17:46

Tell him to order it from Amazon uk and ship to your house and you'll bring it all with you. That way you didn't have to put any money out.

honeytea · 12/12/2012 17:47

Welsh's idea is good, he can order it online to save the money he would have to pay to wire the money :)

Do you think he might think you will buy the stuff and just give it as a gift ques?

quesadilla · 12/12/2012 18:01

Have duscussed with DH who has t

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quesadilla · 12/12/2012 18:06

Sorry... iPhone madness.., I am just going to email him and say politely that if he wants more than 2 items he's going to have to wire me the money. DH thinks I don't need even to do that and that I should just ignore his requests but I think best to break it to him over email. Cheers all...

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MerylStrop · 12/12/2012 18:09

"Sorry, can't afford it"

We will get DN x as her present
If you want me to fetch other things, please transfer the cash so we can get it for you. "

quesadilla · 12/12/2012 18:32

Yep. That's about right, Meryl

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