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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel put out that MIL has written the Xmas cards

22 replies

Passthesherry · 12/12/2012 14:03

...with my dds aged 3 and 5.

Before you all say it's only a minor thing - yes I know, but I think it's quite cheeky how she just takes over what I see as something that's more of a mum/parent role - IF we wanted to go down that route.

She just went ahead and did a bunch with them, to family members, school friends, and various people that she has asked the kids about - but not checked with me about any of it. She doesn't see dds that often, and doesn't know that much about their day-to-day life, so there are cards addressed to friends, but missing their siblings (also school friends), cards to muslim classmates with their names spelled ridiculously incorrectly...other good friends forgotten.

She did the same last year and I already said to her politely "Thanks, but you didn't have to" Soon as the kids go for a pre-xmas visit? The cards were bought, written out and sealed. Done!

Even ones for us.

We opened our envelope addressed to us and inside was a card written out to someone else entirely, so she only did half a job - having decided to take over, didn't check the cards were put in the right envelopes.

Now we have to open the whole lot to check/swap, and give people cards with ripped envelopes (not that it matters, but it's just another instance of something that wasn't really asked for, and ends up being more of a hindrance).

I just think it's quite rude and overstepping of her, especially as I'd already said to her she didn't have to.

Oh I know it's unreasonable to get too bothered by it, and I should probably just shrug it off and have a mince pie - which I probably will after a few deep breaths!

OP posts:

EverythingsDozy · 12/12/2012 14:05

Next year, tell her you've already done them.

Jingleflobba · 12/12/2012 14:08

I'd do the whole lot again if you can. If the DC's mention anything to her tell her that there were too many names spelled wrong and explain about your card being meant for someone else. Then do your cards in October next year!!
Wuod DH say anything to her?

pippala · 12/12/2012 14:08

Just throw them away and start again?

PorkyScratching · 12/12/2012 14:10

Just bin & do you your own! Don't stress about it :)

JustFabulous · 12/12/2012 14:12

Telling someone they shouldn't have can be construed as you didn't want them going to any trouble. You need to say to her do not write the cards with the children. Take them all off her, bin and do your own.

Flyonthewindscreen · 12/12/2012 14:14

YANBU, how odd of your MIL. I would make sure you write your xmas cards with the DC v early next year and let your MIL know that the cards are done and dusted.

Flyonthewindscreen · 12/12/2012 14:15

And bin the lot that MIL has already done.

Pandemoniaa · 12/12/2012 14:16

What an odd thing to do.

chrismissymoomoomee · 12/12/2012 14:17

'Thanks but you didn't have to' isn't telling her not to do it. Thats what I normally say when my brother gives me some money or someone does me a favour that I'm really grateful for. You should be clearer.

CoolaYuleA · 12/12/2012 14:17

I'd just do them again. Kids cards are cheap enough, and they enjoy writing them so problem solved.

YANBU but it just sounds like your MIL wants to be involved. Next year why not let her do the ones for DH's side of the family with the children? Tis Christmas - and that would be a decent compromise.

madmouse · 12/12/2012 14:19

Never say 'you didn't have to' - It makes you sound politely grateful.

Ephiny · 12/12/2012 14:30

Have I understood correctly - she's writing and sending out cards to your friends/relatives, supposedly from you? That sounds quite bizarre.

sue52 · 12/12/2012 14:31

Bin them and tell her you will do them again. Explain why. Just tell her to do ones for you and your DH with the children.

LemonBreeland · 12/12/2012 14:34

Agree bin them and tell her why. Tell her she has wasted her time. How can she think that she can do the job properly when she doesn't know your DCs friends?

If she wanted to help them write cards to you that would be a nice thing, but taking over with all of their cards is silly.

skratta · 12/12/2012 14:35

YANBU.

Redo the cards.

Apart from the cards, which she also did last year, does she do anything similar?

Original poster

Passthesherry · 12/12/2012 14:49

Ah OK - so I was too polite and not blunt enough.

Thinking about binning, but that seems a bit harsh too - though I do like what you say Jingleflobba about the 'explanation'.

The thing is, we weren't thinking about doing school xmas cards with them at all this year, as last year with eldest dd in reception, I felt it became a bit of a popularity contest and missing the point a bit.

So we were actually thinking about experimenting, and giving it a miss - save on the trees and the expense, maybe just reciprocating ones recieved! Which is also why I'm a little bit peeved as having involved dds with no discussion with us parents, MIL pretty much took it out of our hands.

Still, they do enjoy the fun of it - so doing them all again won't be a huge problem.

CoolaYuleA - Yes I think she does want to be involved - your compromise idea sounds good. I just have to be ready and prepared with a to-do list next year and beat her to it!

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/12/2012 14:51

It's not the end of the world just do some more

Original poster

Passthesherry · 12/12/2012 15:03

Ephiny - no she doesn't write them 'from' me - she helps them write cards from them (3yo and 5yo).

skratta yes occasionally she comes out with stuff that really gets on my nerves and sort of takes my breath away - like on holiday 3yo dropped something on the floor, and she told her to pick it up. 3yo said "No!" and she grabbed 3yo by the wrist and told her to pick it up - and at the same time put her arm up to stop me from intervening and told me to leave the room! (I didn't).

Also when eldest was 1yr old, they came over for a visit shortly before DP's birthday, and she handed me a card for DP addressed to 'Daddy'. When he opened it she'd written him a birthday card on behalf of our 1yo dd, 'signed' in her name etc. Another instance of something I felt was very overstepping - in fairness this thing with the xmas cards in less annoying tbh.

On that occasion I was mad for ages and actually made sure I did my own with dd, and made sure it was on prominent display the next time they visited.

But anyway that's by the by, and I don't want to dripfeed. Just irked about the xmas cards really.

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 12/12/2012 15:10

Have a bailey's with the mince pie and be glad you don't have to go through the torture yourself?

She and the kids did something nice together, big woop. Ditto the birthday card thing. Lighten up, it's not the hand that rocks the cradle.

(caveat the thing about her disciplining the kids - and you at the same time - would piss me off no end, would have to deal with that)

Justforlaughs · 12/12/2012 15:15

As a confirmed Christmas Card hater, I'd love anyone who took this job off of me! , in fact I'd write them a list to help them along! (and even buy the cards). I'd redo them this year and explain that you had to do them again because of "wrong cards in wrong envelopes" etc, and either do them early next year, make it clear that you will not be "doing" Christmas Cards next year or, as I said, give her a list.

NannyEggn0gg · 12/12/2012 15:50

Your last post is not 'by the by' it pretty much sums up your relationship.

You have two choices: Put up with it or tell her to stop.

I see a lot of my DGCs. I know their school and their friends. It wouldn't occur to me in a million years that writing their Christmas cards was anything to do with me. If she wants to be involved, she could make you a calendar with them, or a cake or something.

She's clearly overstepped her boundries on more than one occassion.

DoubleMum · 12/12/2012 15:50

Am very envious of all of you who have children who enjoy writing cards! Am currently trying to get DD to do it and it's like I have subjected her to some form of medieval torture.
It's very odd of her, but I guess she just wants to do something Christmassy with them. Next year you could point her in the direction of a craft they would really like to do perhaps?

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