Cut and run or suck it up?

[fackinell]

There's my tether and there's me a mile down the road! Brief background: involved with a man 9yrs separated who has 16yr old DD. ex shagged another guy and pissed off with all 4 of her kids (3 of whom he raised as his own) and took half his house with her in payout. In the past 18mths I have had nothing but shit for being with him. Bitchy texts to work colleagues slagging me off, nasty fb comments, listening to slanging matches about me while I in another room and hear about how horrible I am for stealing him from his DD (from his DD). Tantrums about me moving in my much loved pet (now dead so not an issue to 'anyone') and for having the nerve to fall pregnant. (Died at 8wks pg so now not an issue to 'anyone').
Basically after months of shit and now feeling angry and resentful about it all, we had an argument about his Disney parenting/unsupportive attitude towards the issues I've had and his drop everything attitude when his DD decides to come hang out for the evening. It's her second home and I totally get she should be welcome anytime and this is not my AIBU question!
But I want space. I want to know if I can slob in my jamas and not expect company. I would be happy to have every other night a potential 'family night' or 'couples only night'. no exclusion, just to know!! on the other hand I am almost 40 and in the voice of Glenn Close 'it may be my last chance to have a baby!'
WWYD?
I am aware this sounds garbled but I've had wine and adrenaline is making my thumbs go funny!! It's not an angry angst ridden thread and most of me wants to laugh but seriously!! WTF? I love kids!! I have great visions of us shopping together and laughing at silly 'daddy' but I'm seriously thinking fuckit, get a flat for selfish ole meeeeee!!!!!!

Yep I reckon you are all right. Just wanted confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Unfortunately we have been at this crisis stage before and things got 'sorted'. Told exes DinL he knew about the bitching. She has since broken contact which has upset him as this was once his family. He told DD he deserved to be happy and if she didn't like it, tough!! That's when things settled into a casual displeasure of my living and breathing instead of full on strops. I know he has balls and does loveme. He doesn't want me to leave but if I'm unhappy he says its for the best. I swing between really trying to make an effort and heading off for an early night/ 2hr bath when his DD is around. He finds it rude if I do the latter but if she wants to come around (as is her right) and I want some space (same) we both get what we want. I'm not in a financial position to leave immediately as splitting half costs and taking on full costs requires some planning. Best get saving before I lace up the reeboks then!! Cheers all.

fackinhell I really feel for you.

I am in a similar position myself and feel myself having to make a similar choice.

So far I don't know what the right thing to do is. It's very very hard.

One thing is for sure that u can't continue in that situation. [Sad] for u

Thanks Hunpty, and sorry you're in a similar situation. Fancy a flat share?

I'm going to see how last night's discussion pans out over the rest of the wk. I really don't want to dump him over Christmas. God knows he's been through enough shit with his ex. He gave me a kiss this am and said he loved me. He looked v sad and I got a huge attack of the guilts. All I'd like is some us time. He's texting his DD to come round every night and if he maybe just left it a couple of those nights it'd make a difference to us having some us time. Of course if she asks to come round there is no problem but he has to appreciate that we are a couple too. I'm not just some cash cow to foot half the mortgage and bills. It's my home too. I fully expect to take second place in his life but I don't expect to be disrespected. It's been a long time trying to compromise but I'm not sure she will ever forgive me for 'ruining her life' unquote!

Sending v un-mumsnet hug and Will start checking the papers for a flat for us

Run away. He doesn't want to have a baby, and you do. That alone is enough to make a break.

Second, if things are as you say, his spoilt DD takes priority over everything, and even if you did manage to have a baby with him, would you want the baby around that?

You can do better. He sounds like a twat, sorry. :(

Hunpty!!

Green, thanks for your comment but it was actually the other way round. I felt I was too old but he was really keen for a baby. He still is. I am too but not till things are more stable. I wrote his DD a lovely letter when I was pg letting her know I knew it would be a shock but I really hoped for her input and part in her sibling's life. I said that she was no1 in her Dad's life and that I would never come between them. I know she got it but I got no reply. Just a smile next time she was round. She seems v uncomfortable around me and I don't like that she feels that way. She did get drunk at her friend's party one night and told me she loved me when she got home, I said it back and that gave me hope. So bloody confused! I feel she gets pulled in so many directions and I genuinely do feel bad for her. This is why I have such a dilemma. I don't want them all (exes family) sitting back smugly saying 'we did it' but I don't want to upset us both by breaking up the relationship and further wrecking his trust! Gahhhh!

Oh sorry, in the OP I thought he was the one annoyed that you'd had the nerve to fall pregnant.

Well. Don't worry about his trust issues, I'm sorry to say that just about every male (probably females, too, but I've only experience with males!) in that age range who has had a long term relationship failure will cite "trust issues." Please don't stay with him because of that. :)

If you have had a one on one discussion with him, detailing why you'd like alone time with him, and not having him text his DD every time to come over, and he's ignored that, that's a big problem. If you haven't had this discussion (again, calmly, a discussion, saying it in the middle of an argument about something else doesn't count!) then you should. Give him time to either do it, or ignore it.

Don't worry too much about the smug exes. Do what's best for you.

Oh I see, Green. No he was delighted! It was his DD and exes family. DD said her mum was so angry with him for what he'd 'done' and so was the rest of the family. She said he KNEW what he'd done was wrong. This is what I heard when my cramps started and I thought, be careful what you wish for, dear!! I know stress doesn't cause a MC but it doesn't bloody help my BP either!! I was already waiting on a prescription for baby aspirin. She was extremely sheepish when I lost the baby the next day. The day after giving him a happy birthday daddy card from his baby to be, Which she was also scornful about. I'm talking myself in circles here, aren't I? Happy pissing Christmas huh?

And yes, Green, that's exactly what I intend to do!

"I'm tending towards your way of thinking but I really am not a quitter"
It's not about quitting . Being with him should be a relationship, but instead it's an endurance test. And it's not just his DD's and Ex-ILs dreadful behaviour that you are having to endure - it's the lack of support from him, the sheer disrepect FROM HIM in standing by and letting this happen. The constant downgrading of your needs and feelings.

I'm sorry to say that he is just not worth it.

Think about it as impassively as you can manage - would you really want to bring a baby into this situation? And have that baby treated as you are now?

Where, I totally get what you're saying. It's difficult to voice my needs without sounding like a total bitch. I have upset the status quo with my arrival but you're right that he doesn't have my back in all this. It is nice to see a father caring so much for his daughter. I hope she cares as much when he's sat in on his own every night hoping for her to come home and see him to break the monotony of being alone!

"It is nice to see a father caring so much for his daughter."
Sorry again but I think he's a bit of a shit father. How exactly is his dancing attendance 'care' helping her to become a good and happy adult? He's facilitating her poor behaviour and turning out a brat. He is not, in my opinion, a good father.

She is very dissatisfied, Where, she has on a couple of occasions threatened to kill herself (as someone she knows did). Kids with no boundaries feel awfully insecure IMO!! I hear ya!!

Cut and run. This man has no spine.

You could put the pressure on so he bows to your wants rather than his XW/DD's. And you could have a baby with him. But if you do that, I can almost guarantee it will all turn to shit and you'll end up a single parent anyway.

Becoming a parent will expose the cracks in your relationship. You will be tired and vulnerable and unable to keep exerting the pressure to make yourself his main priority, so he will revert to type and you'll find yourself in the exact same position you're in now but with a newborn to boot.

Don't do it.

I think the OP is entitled to some couple time in her own home. Surely if she never knows when the DSD is going to be there then that's a bit rude? I sure as fuck would want to know who was going to be in my house and when. Yes, I get the "it's her home too" but it's also the OP's home. She pays half the rent, she pays half the bills. She is entitled to some relaxation in her own home away from a spoilt child who disrespects her, aided and abetted by Daddy. The couple should have a couple of nights a week to themselves.

The DSD has to learn it's not all about her. Some of your responses to this woman have made me extremely angry for her. OP, your husband is not putting your feelings and needs first or even second. Much as you love him, you cannot be expected to live your life in a home filled with tension where you are treated so badly.

Why does sanity always go out of the window when a stepchild is involved?

GAAAAAH!!!

Words of wisdom, Dahlen. Big talk scheduled for tonight. Last chance saloon!

Go for it Fackinell, I'm behind you.

You are getting nothing positive out of this relationship at all. Cut your losses and go.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it seems as if you have had nothing but grief and trouble from his family (even if you were the OW, you don't deserve how you have been treated, and that takes a lot for me to say, as I was left for an OW 6 months ago) and no support from him.

Please put yourself first and leave. Surely things couldn't be any worse than they are now?

You deserve to be able to get home from work and relax in your own home without all the crap you have been suffering. You owe them nothing. They have no claim on your time and energy. All those posters saying that OP should have known what she was getting into have clearly never had to experience blatant hostility in their own home with no support.

Home is the one place you should be able to kick back and be yourself. It's supposed to be a haven from the world. If your ungrateful, poisonous SC are constantly reporting on OP to their mother then this does not a happy environment make. OP, your DP has no spine, cut him loose and find someone who is worthy of you, someone who is worthy of fathering your children.

bumps

Thanks so much, Grape!! I was totally feeling like the evil stepmother for a bit!! I know it's a sensitive subject with a lot of people but I thought I'd be completely flamed for this! Home now and having tea made for me (wtf?) and then a compromise chat in which he says he will discuss set days with his DD. I found a flat online I liked and it shook him up. Watch this space.....xx

Creme, His wife left him for another man years ago and I've only been on the scene 18mths. I would never go after another woman's man because I have a strong sense of sisterhood and I also know if they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I know you weren't accusing me of that but wanted to clear that up for anyone who hasn't read the full thread.

Good god it sounds likes never ending, particularly shouty version of Eastenders.

Life really needn't be such hard work or so utterly unrewarding.

What exactly is in this for you OP? Honestly, I'd be calling a taxi to the nearest hotel.