To always be wondering, if I've chosen the right path in life?

[snowatch]

I'm 30, engaged, and I have a good job and career. We're about to buy a house. I've lived in different places, did some travelling when I was younger, and generally have tried lots of things so far in my life.

But for some reason, I'm still always wondering if I've made the right choices, and am currently making the right ones. I'm always evaluating my life against other people's. For example, a friend of mine has just gone travelling around the world for a year and I envy how free and fun her life is at the moment.

My brother has just bought a lovely big house, the type that I could never afford. He and his wife are doctors and earn twice as much as me. I think about how they have great jobs AND earn a lot, and it makes me wonder if I should have done medicine.

My problem is that I always want to do EVERYTHING with my life. I've always had a problem deciding on my career, because I'm interested in so many things. I want to travel, and have a house and have a baby, and have an amazing career. It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I always wonder...would it have been better if I had done that career, or lived in this city, or..........

My friend suggested that maybe I am having a quarter-life crisis!

I don't think that it is unreasonable to think like this, but it does seem a shame to be wasting your own life by looking at others and thinking they are better off. They might be looking at you and thinking the same! The grass is always greener and all that. Your life sounds great, and you could concentrare your energies on enjoying the moment you are in, and embracing any interesting opportunities that come your way. It's also about having confidence in the choices you've made.
All this is probably easier said than done though!

As Hardly said, it's a pretty normal way to feel, but it's a real waste of energy. I went through a long stint of feeling the same when I was in my early-mid twenties and part of it was because I placed far too much importance on what other people expected of me and thought of me. I too wondered if I should have done medicine as this was a real option for me when I finished school. I wondered about getting married, where to live etc etc and tortured myself that I wasn't living up to my potential by doing a million different impressive things. For me a bout of severe depression put paid to all that. I was very ill for a good few months and once I recovered I realised the strain I was putting on myself meant I was missing out on the life I actually had.

For me, wishing for a different life was all about trying to run away from things that had happened in my past, and denying myself things I really wanted because I didn't think they fit with what was expected of me. When I came out of the depression I dealt with the shit and just took the pressure off myself and now I pretty much have absolutely everything I want at this stage of my life. I'm happy. I do sometimes wonder about the future and I do get an attack of whatifitis now and again but I can entertain it and dismiss it without it getting under my skin the way it used to.

I honestly think now that it really doesn't matter what you have or what you achieve, how much you travel or anything else. It matters how much you value and enjoy your day to day life. It matters that you get up in the morning and feel positive about the day ahead even if it's going to be a tough one. I think achieving that comes from being ok in yourself, not from any outside gains or goals.

I think everyone experiences this. I have a friend who dropped out of school, deliberately did as little as possible with her career and has finally landed herself a very successful man (who she loves dearly, by the way, she isn't a gold digger). They have bought an expensive house in an expensive area, she has a beautiful, flashy engagement ring, they are planning a beautiful, lavish wedding.

Meanwhile DH and I live in rented accomodation, we earn well but the money is gone at the end of each month. Sometimes I am insanely jealous of how she has landed on her feet. But then I remember that DH and I have our wonderful DS, whereas my friend and her fiance have been TTC without success for nearly two years and she frequently tells me how jealous (in a good way) she is of our little family unit.

No one 'has it all', well, perhaps a very lucky few. But the majority of us sacrifice something, somewhere, in order to have something else that we want.

Envy is the thief of joy, remember.

Make the most of what you have. If you're really unhappy about a certain aspect of your life then do something about it (if possible) but don't waste your days comparing yourself to others. A friend's brother recently died (in his 30s) and that has really made me see the importance of enjoying life and not wasting time waiting for the future etc.

My DP and I have a very good income and a lovely house and I know a lot of our friends are a bit envious, but they don't always tend to realise the sacrifices we have to make, such as working exceptionally long hours, often having to cancel social plans because of work and having to deal with high pressure stressful situations at work on a daily basis. Sometimes I look at our big house and think I'd swap it for a 2 bed terrace in a heartbeat if it meant getting to spend more time with DH and not being kept awake a night worrying about work

I agree that the grass is usually greener etc.

To be honest, I don't think anyone gets a free ride through life. Everyone has problems, doubts and disappointments. Some people are upfront about them, some people conceal them behind a happy facade. I have accepted that I am not going to get a lot of the things I wanted in life, for various reasons. But I try to focus on the things I have got and not think too much about the other stuff. You only drive yourself mad if you constantly compare yourself to other people - and let's face it, it's always the people who seem to have 'more' than us that we benchmark ourselves against. We forget about the people who might envy us our lives because we have achieved more or been luckier than them.

This is an interesting one. have you ever taken a good amount of 'time out' to just spend time with yourself and reflect truthfully on what it is you feel and want?

I'm probably saying the same thing as Cailindana upthread. But I think there's a kind of restlessness and dissatisfaction I have experienced and seen in others which is connected to having expectations which don't actually chime with what you really sincerely feel. And might actually give you a hard time working out what that is.

after I had severe depression, I had a complete change of career and direction in life, which has all been to the good, but obvs I wish I had been able to do all the instrospection and self knowledge bit without the horrible depression.

I think that sort of dissatisfaction and unhappiness is different and deeper from the casual envy that I think everyone apart from saints feel from time to time. I can feel jealous of someone winning the lottery! or getting some good luck - and I think that's fair enough, as long as I don't find myself dwelling on it or becoming bitter.

btw, what I found out about myself was that I needed to spend a LOT more time on my own than I had previously thought, just to be happy and balanced - that despite being a high achiever from school onwards, I did not want a life 'juggling? different commitments and thriving on constant high pressure situations. That it was alright not to want to do some things instead of viewing it all as a 'challenge? to be embraced. That I needed time to reflect instead of always 'doing'. It all sounds obvious and simple now! but when you are a girl most likely to do well, a lot of the above just feels like failure. I was constantly getting into jobs/romantic situations that I knew I was supposed to find rewarding.... but didn't.

anyway - I think time spent with yourself (or counsellor/therapist for support if needed) is never time wasted. Once you know yourself and your true values better, other people's lives are a much smaller source of anxiety.

We always envy other people's lifestyles because we never see the low points just the high points. A family member of mine was always on about living in London and came over for a holiday and was over it after 2 weeks. He suddenly realized all the things he takes for granted.

Callin that's a really good point - I do wake up every morning and enjoy my day. Two years ago, I couldn't have said that. My job didn't fit my personality, and I didn't feel very confident. I tried to make myself like it, and my boss was always singing my praises, but deep down I knew it wasn't the right job for me. I switched jobs sometime later, and now I love my job, and I feel confident and competent.

However, and this fits in with what rain was saying, I'm much more of a nobody in my current job than I was in the last one. Previously in my last job, all the bigwigs knew me, asked me for advice, and were impressed with my work. But now, it's really just my boss and team members who know me. Even if I get promoted, I still will be just one mid-level employee in a big firm (I realise this makes it sound like I took a step down in my career, but really it was more of a sideways and slightly upward step). Anyway, perhaps this is part of what is making me unsettled - I feel less important or something.

I think I do struggle with people's expectations of me too. My job is just as highly skilled as my brother's (the doctor), but most of my family and friends don't really understand what I do, and probably see that I don't earn a high salary.