..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

[YellowDinosaur]

Yabu for driving for 2 hours to take your baby to visit mil 8 days after a forceps delivery. When she couldn't be fucked to drive for 2 hours to visit. Just what sort of arse expects this?

YANBU to say no to the overnight visit. I do think it's slightly different that your dh will be there too but the bottom line is she is your (you and dh) baby and what you say goes. 'no' is a complete sentence.

[gallicgirl]

Please start putting yout foot down here and setting some ground rules.
If you don't want to visit for Xmas, then this is ideal opportunity to have your first Xmas together as a family.

Quite frankly your MIL's behaviour is weird. No sane person would make demands like this.

[YouCanBe]

DD stayed overnight a couple of times with PIL before she did with my mum, but that was when DD was two and a half! Plenty of mums would feel uncomfortable being away from their baby at five weeks old, it's completely normal and your MIL shouldn't hassle you about it.

[RayanneGraff]

I am so shocked by your last post. Does she really think this is all about her? It is just bizzare. I think there is some issue going on here which is nothing to do with you- it is not her time to bond with the baby two days after the birth! That is one of the craziest things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

Please don't let her self centered and deluded behaviour affect you any more than it already has. Be polite but firm.

[3littlefrogs]

Your 5 week old should not be in a car seat for 2 hours. Neither should you be making long car journeys at this stage - it isn't good for you or your baby.

I would never leave a 5 week old in a house with 2 big dogs, and I would not trust anyone who thought that was ok.

She is bonkers. Put your foot down now and get your DH to support you. Otherwise this will only get worse.

[TheFutureMrsB]

Not read the full thread but I had pretty much the same thing happen with my MIL.
She had gotten a Moses basket, babygro's, a breast pump???!!!, bottles, dummies etc... a breast pump for fucks sake! I wasn't able to breastfeed so how on earth she thought she's be able to I don't know!

She wanted my son to go there immediately after we came home from the hospital, be dropped there so he could stay a few days, so I could recover in peace!

Needless to say I didn't take him there and he has never once stayed there, infact she hasn't seen him since he was about 6 months old as she told my DH not to bother anymore, stay away from her house etc...

She has seen us in town and out and about, my DH has gone over and tried to talk to her but she gave him a look and walked off, we haven't bothered since! Some people are a little crazy!

[gimmecakeandcandy]

Another twatty mil who thinks she has a right to play mum! Barmy! Keep saying no and leave her to her rants the silly cow!

[Smellslikecatspee]

Actually visiting with Dad and not you seems even more weird . . .

I mean what are you going to do for 2days 5 weeks post birth??

All very odd.

For me seems very odd,

personal stuff here, DN and partner are pregnant. BIL is ridiculously excited. When both DNs were born he worked really long hours, was a really hands on Dad when he was off work.

But he clearly feels he missed out, so first grandchild wahhhhhhhhhhh.DSis is also excited as well of course but keeping him in check.

But even him as nutty as he's being and he is, and we're all taking the piss hugely, even he thinks this is nuts.

His exact words, emmm well emm at that time well wouldn't the baby still need to be getting feeding sorted? And stuff, I remember DW had a lot of 'stuff' going on and the , you know the, thingie, hormones, wouldn't that be bad for both of them? .

I said he was nice not articulate.

Really, just say no

[ukatlast]

YANBU AT ALL.

DON'T DO IT - REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR THINKS.

5 week old baby needs its mother/father full stop
5 week old baby plus your Mum with no dog = ok for a couple of hours maybe at your house if you are desperate for a break although personally I wouldn't bother this early in the day.

5 week old baby plus MIL who is besotted with big dogs in her house = NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

Pfft to anyone saying it is not fair on MIL. Your baby, therefore you are responsible for its well-being, you will suffer if anything goes wrong not them. There is no need to justify your decision, no need to 'play fair' , it's your baby.

My MIL was a lovely lady who would keep her dog out of the room but like a lot of dog owners thought her dog could do no harm. My OH was allergic to her (grubby) house because of the dog so it was never an issue for him not to leave them - kids were never left.
My Mum babysat occasionally at my child-proofed house when kids much older. If you create a babysafe environment it is easier for others to help out long-term.
It is entirely normal and appropriate to trust your own mother more, assuming they were kind to you.

[Kalisi]

Ok, plan of action:

1. Laugh loudly when the mere hint of baby staying away from you overnight is mentioned. Make sure you stress what a ridiculous suggestion that is and how much of a hoot your MIL is for making that joke.
   2.) Invent a fake allergy to dogs for your dd. Yes just lie
   3.) Make alternative plans on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day therefore forcefully squeezing the Christmas holiday into just one day.
   4.) Helpfully send her a list of local travelodges.
   5.) Don't give her any ammo to moan and actively make plans to allow her to spend time with her GC on your terms. Bite the bullet and allow her to stay or arrange a family weekend away for the three of you near where she lives in the Summer for example.
   6.) Sod politeness & do what you need to do for your daughter!

[TheGostOfChristmasCards]

Don't even make excuses. I would just say "ha Hha ha ha noooo way," and refuse to even engage on the matter. I wouldn't even respond to the suggestion tbh I would just change the subject.

I had to leave my DS for about six hours when he was six weeks old to go to a family funeral. I left him with my sister and I knew my mum was on hand too and I just couldn't wait to get home.

As for her insisting you drive to them I wouldn't entertain that either. If you had a close relationship with them and wanted to see them it's one thing, but given it seems you don't you are under no obligations to visit. Just tell her "oh sorry we've been busy being a famiy and frankly we drove to you x weeks ago and we're tired, feel free too visit though," and leave it in her court.

There is only one way to deal with people like this. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Oh dear god what a nightmare of a woman!

Right, she is your DH's mother, so this is HIS problem! I don't give a stuff if he "finds confrontation with his mother hard" - by ignoring her he is not making her go away, just shifting the problem on to you. Not good enough, you have a new baby to contend with, so it is down to him to shield you from a woman he thinks is a fruitloop.

Discuss it with him and agree between yourselves what you want to do. Might I suggest for starters :

1. You/DH/DD NEVER go to theirs. You are allergic to the dogs and it is a two hour drive. If it is too far for MIL to drive, it is too far for you. End of.
   
2. She is told to button it (yes, it should be put that harshly) about overnight stays. It isn't going to happen.
   
3. All the aggro she is giving you must take place over the phone or on your visits to her, right? So, she is told by DH that the phone will be put down on her if she continues to push for something she has already been told 'no' for.
   
4. You do not answer the phone to her, DH does. And he take all her moans, not you.
   

If your DH thinks you should ignore her, take him at his word. DO not take her calls. Do not visit her. Behave as if she does not exist. She can have as big a strop as she wants, she's two hours away and doesn't want to make the drive, does she?

It is not on for your DH to "just pretend it's not happening". It is, and if he isn't going to deal with it, then it would be absolutely reasonable to hang up on her or even to tell her to go fuck herself.

[peaceandlovebunny]

don't even consider it. what a crock of it, really. your baby can stay overnight without you when she can reach for a phone and make her own call to the emergency services, stating clearly her name and current whereabouts.

and she can go into town alone when she's taller than you or sixteen.

just be clear about your boundaries. and say no.

[ukatlast]

STILL NO No no - with the extra info that your OH would be staying there with baby. Yes DHs are good with 5 week old babies but not for 48 hours on the trot and no reason for you to be deprived of your baby. Also DH may not be as vigilant as you re the dogs even if you did fancy a break which of course you don't. Why would you it's your gorgeous newborn baby?

We had the dog allergy thing - it's tough - it means you make short visits and you control the frequency.

[chipmonkey]

Haven't read all the posts but while I agree with some posters that the baby in theory should have the same relationship with both grannies, sometimes it doesn't work out like that.
My MIL is the sort who interferes and undermines. My Mum isn't. When I left the boys with my Mum, I knew she wouldn't try to push a bottle of formula down their throat, when I was trying to exclusively bf, that she wouldn't put salt all over their food, when they were older, and that she would actually watch them! MIL and FIL once let ds3 flood the bathroom to the extent that we had to redecorate the room underneath it and they also had a habit of locking the children out in the garden.
MIL has also driven some of her dgcs in the car after having drunk a few glasses of wine.

My Mum reads with them, lets them do art and bakes with them she is much better than me.

As a mother of four sons and only one daughter who sadly died, I am very aware of being "the other granny" and if MIL were even half-OK I would probably let the boys stay with her more. But she isn't.

[NannyEggn0gg]

Just say "No, I don't want to."

Nothing else.

[Loislane78]

the future that's priceless - give me the baby so you can recover in peace! WTF

[Lawabidingmama]

Barmy no fing way!!! Not read all the thread but your so not pfb! DD1 is 2.9 never stayed over night with pil only ever stayed at home of with my mum (4 times ever) DD2 9 mo never stayed out wont be for some time! Why is it some people think young children are some kind of property babies and young children should be at home with their mums IMO!

[StuntGirl]

Babies and young children should be with their parents surely? Besides breast feeding there is no difference between mothers and fathers so this 'mum knows best' stuff is bollocks.

I came on to say YABU but after reading your subsequent posts have changed my mind. YANBU to not want to leave your baby with a pushy, manipulative person. YWBU if your sole reasoning was the fact she is your MIL.

Besides she can't be that bad she raised your husband and you like him enough.

[richardsimmonstanktop]

Babies aren't dolls to be carted around and dressed up and played with. You said she's only 54 - she has years and years and years ahead of her to be a grandmother.

Creepy and weird. God knows why anyone would want a newborn baby other than their own overnight as a recreational activity.

[Kytti]

My DD was 6 when she had her first sleepover. Sorry OP, you're just going to have to upset this madwoman. Say no. Keep saying no. If she wants to see her Grandchild, she'll come and see you. If it's too far, then it's tough, isn't it?

God, I hope I'm never like that.

[Ameybee]

Just say 'thank you for the offer but I'm not ready to leave baby overnight yet, when I am I will let you know' he/she may be 23 when that is but she doesn't need to know that

[deleted203]

YADNBU. Is the woman mad? For fuck's sake! Who wants a 5 week old baby for the night, anyway? I'm not a granny yet, but I'd be damned reluctant to take a 5 week old granddaughter overnight, and I've got 5 kids of my own. Babies aren't toys, and they need to be with their mother at this stage. I would laugh loudly if she brought it up again and say, 'Are you mad? No way. Not for a long time. I'm night feeding, so that's an insane suggestion. Don't ask again or we will seriously fall out'.

[TheFutureMrsB]

LoisLane she's a nutter honestly! It didn't matter that I had two other children in the house anyway and she didn't even offer to have them for hubby to be with me whist I was having our baby! Never mind have them so we could have a little bit of quiet time.
And you should have seen her face when she found out he was a 'he' and not a 'she' as she wanted! Moaned about not being able to buy nice frilly dresses and threw passed me Adams bag with a suit in it, from the sale in size 6-9months for him! Weirdo