..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

[Haberdashery]

I think leaving a baby with a grandparent for a two hour hair appointment is entirely different from leaving a baby overnight. YANBU. How about you suggest to her that next time you have a hair appointment she comes and looks after your baby at your house for the two hours, then she will have entirely equal treatment and bog all to complain about.

[maddening]

I would warn her that continued pestering would turn "no not for now she's too young and I'm not ready" to "no never" very easily and either she backs off quite a bit or she is in danger of permanently damaging the relationship.

When the right time is is unique to each mother and baby and their families - we will all have our own right age - some straight away others never and most of us in between. For the op it is not yet and mil is in danger of really damaging what relationship she has left with the op - which is likely to influence her relationship with the op's dc.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

To be fair, my (very normal, very nice, very unpushy) mum calls DS " my baby" but even she would never, ever ask to have him overnight (and she has a room set up for him and everything too)

If I asked her, she would jump at the chance to help me, not because she wanted her grandson to herself.

[RayanneGraff]

Oops!

...just say no, kind offer, but I'm not comfortable with that, and won't be for a long time. I would be quite straight to avoid further nagging.

[LaCiccolina]

YANBU far from it. Dd hasn't stayed away from me in 2 yrs. certainly wouldn't be doing it in first 6 mths and to a person I was unsure of!

[maddening]

Ps she might be a situation that needs bringing to a head - and if that happens you may have a chance of setting boundaries. Your dh should doing the main part of the discussions with his mother - he needs to put himself between her and you and let her know his position in no uncertain terms.

[thebody]

Actually thinking about it my 2 older ones stayed overnight with my parents when oldest was 11 and 10 and I felt the younger ones were too young.

5 WEEKS... She's crackers.. Please out foot down now.. She won't like it but tough. Your baby your rules..

[maddening]

Pps the only reason you give is " I am not ready" don't offer excuses.

[TheCraicDealer]

Five weeks?! I have yogurts in my fridge older than that!

Tell her the truth, she's too little and you don't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone, now or in the foreseeable future. Perhaps add something like "I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from, as a mother" or something equally unarguable.

If she starts griping about your mum having better access gently tell her that she is always welcome in your home. And then pray she doesn't turn up with an overnight bag.

[Smellslikecatspee]

There is no need for you or your DH to leave your baby. I mean, to be cold about it where/what is the benefit? To anyone other than your MIL.

She's 2hours away so she expects you/DH to drive 2hours, leave baby drive 2 hours home and then the same to pick him up???

So in 24-48 hours a 5week old would spend 4 hours in a car and possible one or both of you spends 8 hours. .

Hugely different if you (I'm using that to mean both you and DH) had to go somewhere that it was dangerous for your baby, and even then surely you'd get someone to stay in your house in surroundings familiar in smell to LO.

Say no and just keep saying it, and if she nags hang up, or walk away, I know this sound easier than it actually is, so good luck.

[nickelbabylyinginamanger]

actually i understand the "my mum is my mum and she's not"
just because she's dh's mum means nothing.
op has known her mum all her life; lived with her and knows everything about her.
she has known mil as long as dh at most and has never lived with her. that means she just can't know her as well.
dh she knows well enough because she has lived with him, has become privy to all his deep thoughts and habits.

and that's before we get into the fact that mil has big dogs.
i wouldn't leave a baby with dogs that the baby doesn't know. i would even be cautious leaving a baby with any dogs known or not.
i was careful with our Cats until dd was four months ish

[CaptainVonTrapp]

YANBU. 5 weeks!

Weird that she's so desperate to have the baby to stay but wont get in the car to come and visit?

The sooner someone stands up to her the better. Then she can feign hurt for a bit then realise that she can't pressure you anymore. Of course your dh should be the one to do this. But if she approaches you be ready. Don't let her pin you down to a time scale either.

Theres loads of good suggestions on this thread of things you could say. Practice actually saying them out loud. It will make it easier when you do it for real.

[MerryLindor]

NO, don't invite them for Xmas. You want your first Xmas with your DD to be relaxing and fun.

'Sorry, we don't feel up to travelling about the country with the baby, so we have decided to stay home for Christmas'

and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

[maximusminimus]

I totally get why you'd consider leaving the baby with your mum, rather than your MIL.

So much of our parenting style is taken from our parents: I interact with DD in a very similar way to my mother, but differently to my MIL. Arguably neither is intrinsically 'better', but I feel very comfortable with the former and not so with the latter. So I 'trust' my mother with DD more than my MIL: I know that she (my mother) will continue with my style of parenting.

And there is no way the baby should be apart from you overnight, regardless of with whom.

[Oblomov]

"I have youghurts in my fridge older than that"
Ha ha ha.

[LimeLeafLizard]

I think the Mum / MIL thing is a bit of a red herring. I am hesitant to let my Mum have my 8yo DS overnight (because she has previously bad mouthed me to him, told him I favour DS2, and generally undermines me), but my PIL have all 3DC for a couple of nights a couple of times a year and I trust them completely.

I wouldn't have left my DC overnight with anyone apart from DH before they were about a year old though, and even an hour or two in the pub was a stretch when they were 5 weeks.

YANBU

[havingastress]

Some lovely helpful advice thank you all :)

Oh. Should have explained properly - alone without me, but DH to go with baby. So I won't be affected by the dogs and she can still have her time with 'her baby'!

Much as i trust DH implicitly, no way is he going 2 hrs away with her for 2 days!!! Without me!! Just so that she gets to spend time with her.

Will invite up for the weekend - like suggested, and just bite my tongue be polite and try not to fly off the handle everytime she does/says something ridiculous!

[havingastress]

maximus yes, that's exactly how I feel.

[NervousAt20]

YANBU 5 weeks is way to young just be firm and say no and that's the end if if. My DD is 7 weeks old and I wouldn't leave her eith anyone yet not even DP

[LiveItUp]

YANBU. Way too young. How dare she put you down like that too - to YOUR baby, infront of you. Keep well away and get some good boundaries set up, otherwise she'll never stop harassing you and criticising your parenting.

Very different relationship with the two mums. I adore my MIL, but was fascinated that my DS1 snuggled into my Mum for hugs - there must be a smell that is more similar and comforting, which makes sense really. Actually, my DS's have equally good relationships with all the grandparents, but they spend different amounts of time with them - that is the reality of where everyone lives.

If I were you, I would simply not answer the phone to her. You don't need stress right now. Relax and enjoy your baby. Good luck.

[Arthurfowlersallotment]

She's had her own children, she bloody knows this is a fucking stupid suggestion. YANBU.

[havingastress]

captain Weird that she's so desperate to have the baby to stay but wont get in the car to come and visit? YES! This is the bit that totally totally throws me all the bloody time too!!!! She basically wants us to make all the effort.

Incidently, I gave birth on the Weds and she was insisting on coming to stay for 4 (!!) days commencing on the Friday so that she could 'bond' with her GD. I just couldn't stand the thought (milk would just be in, long difficult labour, forceps, episiotomy, in pain etc).....DH put his foot down and said no, but please do come and visit and see the baby whilst we're in hospital and she point blank refused and got a massive strop on!!

Said I was deliberately stopping her from seeing her GD.

Said it was too far to drive unless she was staying over. (I don't think it is personally, particularly to see your new gd, but hey that's her opinion)

So baby was 8 days old before she saw her, and that was only because WE had to drive down to see them!!

[madbengal]

MIL sounds deluded to be honest

DD was 10 the first time she stayed overnight at MIL's

[larks35]

Leave a DC overnight at 5 weeks! No way! I love my parents, my MIL and my DP but I wouldn't have left either of mine with them and without me at that stage. They would've created a storm anyway considering they tended to spend approximately 50% of their time on the boob.

Now they are 3 and 8months I would love it if mine or my DP's folks would offer their baby-sitting services but considering we live over 100 miles away from them and that my MIL is the youngest and fitest at 67 with 2 knee-cap replacements, then I think I need to find alternative respite care.

[ledkr]

I don't think it's recommended to have such a young baby in a car seat for too long. Maybe use that as an excuse. It saved us a big journey for nearly a year