To say one thing but think another?

[Revengeofkarma]

NC for obvious reasons. DH and I have been friends with this couple for five years. dH knew the husband first (work friend) while he was going through his first divorce. The divorce was because he'd been cheating on his wife. Following divorce, the new girl immediately moves in - it wasn't secret to anyone what was going on. A couple years later they married and quickly had a baby and just had their second. The new wife seemed nice enough otherwise, so people seemed to cut her some leeway as maybe she really was the love of his life.

Cut to today. DH comes home from work to ask if the husband can stay with us a couple of nights. Turns out that, surprise surprise - you've figured it out already. He's been sleeping with someone else since just before baby 2 was born. I said he could stay two nights max. I don't want to see anyone homeless, but he's made his own bed and he can deal with the consequences. Again.

New wife was on the phone sharpish and is now demanding everyone she knows (all of which in the town where they live she knows through him) cuts ties with him due to his behaviour. I definitely don't condone his behaviour, but I also think she was more than happy to participate in this sort of behaviour when it suited her. And in fact, when she had suspicions, it took no time to confirm them as it was the same hotels, same dinners, same entire modes operandi that he had engaged in with her.

Personally I think she's well shot of him (and anyone who dares to date him does so at their own risk - a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy and all that) and told him that. Turns out mistress isn't "ready" for a "proper" relationship either, hence him staying with us for two nights. But I resent being told by her how bad his behaviour is when it was ok that she did it (she justifies saying it was fine as he and first wife didn't have kids) and that I have to behave in the way she tells me.

At this point, I'm starting to think we are well shot of the both of them, but due to small town and kid issues, we are going to keep on bumping into each other.

Is it unreasonable to put him up tonight and tomorrow? And not be quite as sympathetic to her as she thinks she deserves?

Well... yeah she was an arsehole for sleeping with a married man, but maybe she was head over heels in love with him & really believed he would be faithful to h er. I certainly don't think that she - as a mother of two whose husband has been cheating on her - is entirely undeserving of sympathy.

I think you are BU to treat her more harshly than you're treating him.

I wouldn't put someone like that up, as I'd see it as condoning his behaviour and I expect she sees it like that too.

Yes, she was in the wrong and is being hypocritical but he was more in the wrong as he was married then, and is married now, and is clearly not going to change.

It isn't that I don't think she's entirely undeserving - far from it. But I find her hypocrisy pretty rich, and her demands pretty rich as well.

Why am I treating her more harshly? If she wanted putting up, I'd put her up, and probably for longer. And I did tell him I thought she was well shot of him. But DH wanted him to stay, which is why we negotiated a two night limit as reasonable in the circumstances.

If his first wife had demanded similar and been successful, she wouldn't have a soul in this town speaking to her.

And of course she believed him that he loved her and would be faithful. They always do. Rarely works out that way though. But she won't see it that way. It was fine for her to do it, but not have it done to her.

I'm not sure she'd know that, though? That you'd put her up, I mean.

I would think that to her, you putting him up is a sign you condone what he did.

It does feel as if you are more concerned about what she did wrong than what he did wrong - obviously that may just be because she winds you up more, but what have you done, exactly, to show him you don't think he's done something morally right?

You're treating her fine. Her demands are unreasonable but probably borne out of feeling not only hurt but a complete fucking idiot to boot.

I would say something to her like, "You know I think what he's done is really awful, cheating on you like that, but if we don't put him up he'll stay in a hotel and there will be less money for you and the children."

I've just had to sternly tell him NO he's not going over there and I don't bloody care if it is his house he needs to show some respect for the mess he's created.

Though some text messages from friends are showing she's pulling this demand all over. I think by the time he goes on day two I will be happy to wash my hands of them both. I think she's going to wind up very alone. So is he, but he made his bed. Hers didn't have to be this way, but there she goes.

Not to mention, I know this town. Although she was cheated on this time, she did it before. No woman is going to let her husband be in the same room as her without a heavy chaperone.