Aibu to think you've got to be a horrible person to do this?

[Cathycomehome]

A friend of mine has a teenage son who is quite difficult and has a bit of a "bad reputation". She also has a perfectly lovely 8 year old. She is very upset, as some parents have apparently said that their children can't play with her younger son because of his big brother, and he's naturally very upset.

Why would an adult behave like this? Fwiw, the parents are lovely, and younger son is no trouble at all, well behaved and sweet. Aibu to think my friend is right to feel upset and angry on her ds2's behalf?

It may seem unfair, but it could also be a fair point too depending on what type of trouble the elder boy has been in. Nobody would want their child in danger or at risk due to a volatile elder sibling of their child's friend.

Is there more to it than this?

Does the teenage take drugs or take part in a criminal activity? Perhaps the parents don't want their children having playdates at their house if the teenage is involved in these type of activities.

He hasn't done anything awful. He's a bit defiant and he smokes fags and gies around with a few other "naughty kids". I think he gets in trouble at school. We live in a small rural community, I haven't heard of him doing anything terrible!

Even if they didn't want their kids at my friend's house when he's there, surely he could go to theirs?

Goes, not gies!

I would never tell my child not to play with another. I might, depending on the circumstance, have concerns about my child going round another child's house

Depends what the older brother has done.

Although I wouldn't discourage the friendship, I may not be happy with my dc going to their home.

Unfortunately, he has got a 'reputation' which, in turn, reflects on the family (fairly or unfairly). 'Tis the way things are, unfortunately.

I think it's really unfair thank god the only difficult one of my mother's children was the youngest!

I don't think it necessarily makes someone 'horrible' to be protective of their child. You don't know what they have heard, and they obviously want to do the best they can for their own children - which is only natural, even if it is misguided.

It must be awful for your friend's son, and I totally understand that it would be very upsetting for your friend.

Has the mother been seen to be proactive in trying to sort out the problems? I know someone who was perceived to be uncaring about her eldest's issues (including violent and destructive behaviour), and because she was seen as a 'bad' mum, her other children suffered by association - despite the fact that the perception didn't reflect the truth.

I don't know what they've heard, I don't have a child the same age as either of hers, so am not in the same "play date" circles, I don't know who the parents in question are. Just seems very harsh on an innocent little boy!

Sad situation, but I wouldnt want my younger one hanging round with someone who had an older brother who might encourage them to smoke. Don't say it wouldn't happen - I see it every day in the local park.

I'm sure the older brother was also sweet when he was 8.

I say that as a smoker and a parent with a right royal PIA teenager.

I'm fairly sure (i know) the older one wasn't terribly easy when he was eight actually, they're very different!

If I didn't want a younger one spending time with the teen, I'd just have them meet at my house rather than theirs.

But the lovely 8yr is likely to look up to his big bro and idolise his behavior. he probably sees his big bro as cool. I know I did, I was simultaneously afraid and in awe of my elder brother who smoke and drank.

eventually I copied him, even though I was the family good child. I can see where the parents are coming from tbh.

Well, I don't know. I think I'd carry on with my child and eight year old being friends, even if it had to be at my house until, if he did, the eight year old did anything wrong himself. Sins of the brothers and all that, to paraphrase.

I would have the little boy to my house to play, but I wouldn't allow DS to go to the house in return.

I don't think my friend would have an issue with that, tidydancer and that's probably what I'd do, I have a 12 year old and I'm certainly not keen for him to start hanging round with this "gang" of kids, but I wouldn't have an issue with the 8 year old coming to mine if I had a child that age. Apparently, these parents have said their kids can't be friends with him though. :(