to ask for opinions so i can show mil her son is not a good dad and she has her blinkers on

[exmrs]

Posting this as last resort as me and mil disagree on her son (my ex)
To summarise been with husband 12 years married 7, have son aged 6

Ex had affair in 2008 with his best friends g/f got her pregnant and then hardly saw our son for regular contact for 4 months
We got back together after he said he realised how he had treated son and me and swore never to do again

Now 2012 had affair and has new hobby with other woman where they go to competitions most weekends from march to nov as that is the season for their hobby.
He wont commit to set alternate weekends as he says he will be kicked off the team if he cant do every date they go away.He previously wanted to just see son an hour after work through week 3 days so he could have his weekend

This spring/summer just gone it regularly went 4/5 weeks before he saw son as he was away all the time.

My son goes to mil 3/4 weekends so husband had every chance to see son and for months after affair she said would have a word with him as he hardly saw son.

Heres where it gets complicated as son goes to mil 3/4 weekends ex says im being selfish wanting a set pattern of him having alternate weekends as it doesnt affect me as son at his mums. I disagree as know he will take the piss and he turns up at his mums when he can be bothered. he has proposed a plan of giving me set dates and says some weeks he will see son 2 weekends in a row but could be a gap then but roughly work the same as alternate. This would not be the case in spring/summer even though he claims it will be.

I dont think its fair of him to fit my son in when he can and have previously had mil support or so i thought but because im getting divorced i have said i wont accept his wishy washy attitude of being a dad and either he is a dad or not as son doesnt know where he stands.

His mum and i had a huge argument as she said im trying to control him because i want set contact and i dont think he is a good dad at all after his behaviour.

he has taken 0 days holiday off for son but will book days off for his hobby and his mil said if he took a day off for son i would be on his back about money as self employed, this isnt true the money issue comes form him just paying less money and saying he didnt have enough work (he is subcontracted mon-fri)but no offer of coming seeing son

I was due to go in hospital for 2 days and old ex he will have to have son he refused and said he couldnt as working.

This is where me and mil disagree i say he doesnt have equal rights as a parent as he doesnt act like a dad and comes in and out, has no responsibility at all, misses parents evenings,sports day etc, never phones and that was the final straw refusing to have son whilst im in hospital.
Now because its winter and he has shown his face the past couple of weekends she thinks he is dad of the year and is aid well what about when it comes to march he wont see him and she says things change .

Please just write a reply saying whether it is unreasonable to request he has set alternate weekends as ive had it with the pair of them

What are you planning to do with the replies? Show them to her and say "See, I told you he was shit, everyone agrees with me!" ?

It wont make any difference. She is his mother and will defend him to the hilt, if only so that she can feel that his poor behaviour isnt reflecting on her.

Ask you divorce lawyer to arrange mediation to sort out the access issues, and contact the CSA re money (they can look into his tax to work out what he is earning and set his payments that way), and disengage. If you are happy with your son staying with her then keep doing that, but I would cut down the amount of visits because from what you have posted, it sounds like your DS is there every weekend. Does he never get a weekend with you?

It comes down to the fact that you can't make him be a good father. All you can do is be the best mother you can, and stop getting involved in stupid arguments with the one person who does seem genuinely concerned for your son. Agree to disagree with her and deal with the other issues yourself, rather than going running to her to slag him off and then getting pissed off when she disagrees with you. Sounds quite childish tbh.

I do not feel that you are being unreasonable at all! He sounds very self absorbed. Do you have your contact agreement formalised? It may be worth you doing this via a solicitor (I wouldn't even bother to talk to ex or his dm about this, just go ahead and do it and let all communication on this issue be done via solicitor). Saying that even if you did have set contact times (which means both parties can plan their lives around this, wishy washy ad hoc times are really not helpful), he will only ever be the father he choses to be (sad but true and very little you can do about it). It is his responsibility and your dc will see him for his true colours at some point as he grows up. If you need time for yourself then fine use his dm for babysitting duties, but on your terms only.

As they say the ball is in his court, only he can decide if he is actually going to step up to line and be a good father.

Hope you are ok op, it's not easy is it?

its not easy at all i had mil support before but because i have said enough is enough she has turned

She is his mother. She will always take his side. Just try to find a way to not let it get to you or you'll end up being the one affected and made stressed and unhappy by the whole situation.

She is enabling him to behave like this. I agree with everyone else get a formalised agreement via solicitor. Children need routines and to know what's happening. This 'arrangement' is clearly not working or right for your son. If this continues as is your son will most likely be affected in the long term and will probably rear it's head dramatically in the teenage years! Your son needs a stable consistant relationship with his father! He also needs his father to be there for him when you can't (ie. When you are in hospital). He sounds selfish and irresponsible wanting to decide when he can play at being dad, regardless of what's best for your son.

With regards to finances just get courts to settle if he starts just changing amounts etc. I imagine his hobby is quite expensive!

Your ex sounds like a selfish, fuckwitted twat but you'll never get his mother to agree so save your energy. I agree that you should get a formalised agreement and contact the CSA. Other than that just let it go because the stress caused by it will affect you not them.

Give up with the mum son bashing will only get her back up to help you less and life's easier if she's on side.
Formalise it with a solicitor but keep pleasantries with mil