Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not be having sex with my dh

22 replies

jayjay25 · 10/12/2012 15:39

We just don't have sex or even anything remotely like it, he doesn't instigate it and neither do I. Its been that long I couldn't image or even think I want to have sex with him anymore. I still have a sex drive and think about it daily but just don't want to do it with him
sorry if tmi Blush

OP posts:
LesleyPumpshaft · 10/12/2012 15:41

You can't help the way you feel, so yanbu.

Sallyingforth · 10/12/2012 15:42

Have you tried talking about it with him? You might get better answers than on AIBU.

ClippedPhoenix · 10/12/2012 15:44

YANBU in not wanting to have sex with him.

Are you willing to stay in a sexless marriage though?

Softlysoftly · 10/12/2012 15:45

There are sexless marriage forums to support people in your position (newly divorced relative told me!).

It sounds like you are friends so you are either happy with that, need to take steps to change it, or split up :(

mrskeithrichards · 10/12/2012 15:54

I couldn't cope! Is it just him you don't want to have sex with?

Original poster
jayjay25 · 10/12/2012 16:02

Thanks for your replies, We do feel more like friends and yes it is just him I don't want to have sex with.
I spoke recently to my older sister about the lack of sex and she said I should just have sex with him not great advice I know

OP posts:
Original poster
jayjay25 · 10/12/2012 16:19

Yes I have tried talking to him doesn't get us anywhere though, posted on hear to get some different views on the situation and to see if anyone is also going through the same thing

OP posts:
HeftyHeifer · 10/12/2012 16:26

YANBU. And why did your sister say 'you should just have sex with him' when he apparently doesn't want it either, according to your first post? You shouldn't have sex if you don't want to, and neither should a man.

But you need to get to the bottom of why you've lost desire for him, as you pointed out you do still have a sex drive, and from there address how you will deal with being in a sexless marriage for what could be many years to come.

pingu2209 · 10/12/2012 16:42

If that is the way you feel, then that is the way you feel.

However, how would you feel if your dh decided to get sex elsewhere? That may be a different feeling.

I think that the less sex you have the less you want (as a woman). But if you start having sex with your dh - even if it is through gritted teeth at first, the more you will want to have sex with him. It is very easy to get out of the swing of things and end up not having sex.

Sorry but my brother didn't have sex with his wife for 6 years before he left her for another woman. He cites the total lack of sex for the reason he strayed. He tried to discuss it with her but she said she just didn't want to have sex any more. After 4 years he ended up having an affair, which eventually turned to love so he left his wife and 2 children. I totally blame his exwife for the relationship breakdown.

Original poster
jayjay25 · 10/12/2012 16:59

Hefty - we talked about it and apparently he does, but makes no effort and doesn't show me that he does. My sister said that because she feels it is my wifely duty or something along them lines.
Pingu- to be totally honest I don't know how I would feel. I want it just not with him I can't seem to see him in that way anymore.

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/12/2012 17:01

Well, if you want to be in a sexless marriage and resign yourself to no sex again and so does he then just get on with it.

If, however, you want a relationship with sex then you should leave him. Similarly if he is not prepared to remain in a sexless marriage then it may be better to part.

Original poster
jayjay25 · 10/12/2012 17:26

God no I can't live like this for ever, but the thought of separating frightens me to death

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 10/12/2012 17:31

You need a fresh start.

Start dating each other again and get some romance going.

Do you have kids?

Original poster
jayjay25 · 10/12/2012 17:38

Yes we have 5, I've arranged sitters for the kids and he can't be bothered to go out

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 10/12/2012 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionInaPearTree · 10/12/2012 17:47

Eventually you will find someone you do want to have sex with, that's the problem.

Do you think you can rekindle your relationship some how? If not then perhaps consider splitting up amicably.

Asinine · 10/12/2012 17:54

Are the dcs still little? I'm thinking you might be so into mummy and daddy mode that you've forgotten your own relationship.

parakeet · 10/12/2012 18:37

I second the suggestion to try initiating it even though you don't think you feel like it. Maybe you'll surprise yourselves, especially after a couple of glasses of wine. Worth a try?

It doesn't sound to me like the current situation is sustainable.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2012 18:43

I think after a dry spell then sometimes you forget how nice sex is, so as long as you don't feel pressured then sometimes even if you aren't overly keen to begin with things can hot up and you remember how good it really is. Nothing to do with it being your 'duty' but I honestly think if you don't use it then you lose it.

If you really can't stand him anywhere near you then you both need to separate so you can find love elsewhere but I'd definitely give counselling a go first.

lola88 · 10/12/2012 18:51

agree with valiumredhead after my bad birth i couldn't have sex for months after a while i stopped wanting to do it, a bit like you i wanted to do it but when it came to it there was something blocking me. After we started having sex again i remembered how nice it is.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 10/12/2012 18:52

Did you ever really want to have sex with him?
Although, if you have 5 kids that is a silly question!

If you did used to fancy him, and he used to fancy you, then I think you should both go to Relate and get counselling about it.

Original poster
jayjay25 · 11/12/2012 10:50

Sorry just seen the replies, I remember how nice it is just don't want it with him, I never feel pressurised into it as he rarely mentions it, the relationship is crap if I'm honest. We've tried relate in the past and it didn't work it all starting to depress me really

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread