Grieving

[tinkletoesinmarch]

First AIBU and name changed

It's been a bit of a hellish time. In less than 2 years DD has had a diagnosis, nearly been excluded from school, been statemented and moved school.

In the middle of all this the previous school basically said they couldn't support DD and urged me to move her... I didnt as I was being advised not to by the other professionals around us. The school ended up being investigated.

I suffered from serious anxiety then was really ill. I managed to more or less hold it together then I lost it in a meeting - swore and stomped out then composed myself before going going back in and being ok for another hour.

That meeting was used as the basis for complaints against me to SS and my employer - both of which investigated and cleared me with no further action. I have since found out that one of the professionals who openly supported me was also complained about and investigated and was cleared.

Now 8 months on. DD's new school working well. I am not working as felt I wanted to be a mum for awhile

AIBU to be upset and feel like I am grieving?
AIBU to feel very lost as a stay at home mum and ache to be back in one of my previous roles even though it is not possible?

Am I right to continue moving on and not looking back?

Is it not an option to look for another role?

What a dreadful couple of years you've had.I can imagine that you feel traumatised after what you have been through. It will take time for you to recover.

Keep moving on, but maybe add some volunteering into your current mix of roles. Set a target of when you would like to reenter the job market and work up to it, if that is possible in your field of work. Or is it time for a career change?

Good luck.

Thanks Sueakytoy

It is and I am... huge confidence issues which I am trying to other come and a fear of being noticed again which I am willing to accept is born out of paranoia

Hasn't stopped me doing some volunteering in roles similar to my old ones and very visably too

Go for it then, because once you get back into it, I am sure your confidence will come back in leaps and bounds.

It's very common for diagnosis (i assume of a learning difficulty?) to trigger grieving in parents. It's the point at which you are forced to accept that the future you envisaged for your tiny little baby, and the person you imagined that they'd grow into, is very different to the reality.

Be kind to yourself and get support - both from the SN section here and from charities specific to your dd's needs.

Depends what you are mourning for in my opinion. If you are mourning for your identity as something 'other than a mum' IYSWIM, YANBU. I am so glad and lucky that my job is flexible or else I would go crazy. If you are mourning for your DD (the one you imagined when pg) then I can understand why, but you have to do your level best to stop mourning and to concentrate on making DDs life as awesome as possible. I say this as a lifelong wheelchair user, whose DM never showed her sadness re my disability until I was an adult. I really appreciated this and honestly believe her attitude has helped me to achieve so much as I felt confident that my disability wouldn't and shouldn't be an issue or barrier for me.

I am so sorry you feel low and I hope it gets better soon. Have you thought about joining a parents group in your area or stuff for DD where you could talk to other parents? My DM said that RDA was as much therapy for her as it was for me.

YANBU x

No Little

The grieving is coming from the role I had, the choices I made, the situation I was in that was so awful and the effects it had on people around us.

I have grieved for DD but only in private - my focus is to provide her with as many opportunities to learn and develop as I can. She often needs support but try and do this in a way that she doesn't stand out and gets to experience what her peers do. It's so nice to hear from an adult that the work you put in now makes a difference.

Currently helping to set up a support group for parents I feel very scrutinised and visable to professionals but carry on regardless. I struggle to share what happened as a) it feels unbelievable and b) at times I made soe really bad decisions.

All power to you Tinkle, I'm sure your DD is gonna be fine! and you haven't made bad decisions, they are the ones that work for you. Good luck with SG! x