To my friend

[HipposGoBerserk]

this is probably boring, but I need to get a sense of perspective. I am finding life very hard at the moment and I can't tell if I am right or wrong.

I live in London, my friend has moved from London to Suffolk. As most people do when they leave London, she was full of how great it would be fir me to visit her in the country. Whenever I hear this I get a bit cross. I like London, I am busy ( I work and have a family, she does neither) at weekends catching up with chores and my child and partner! We have all been to stay once, but she says she can't afford to cone to London. I actually couldn't really afford to go to hers...

A week ago xhe asked to meet up before Christmas. I looked at my double booked and over full diary and said I was free on either of two days and could meet her half way. When I actually checked out " half way" it will mean taking dd out of nursery for the day( which she loves and is paid for) and taking her on a four hour round trip with various changes of public transport. I thought it sounded hell, and stressful but I would do it. DP offered to have dd, but now has got work for that day( he is freelance) so can't. Again, I said cone to us and stay in the New Year. she ignored

I didn't hear anything from her so assumed she was sulking about us all not going down. I was also grateful I didn't have to go to be honest. I have now filled my diary with hospital apts ( I have been very ill) and a boiler apt ( we have had no heating and hot water for a week and it's the first time everyone is coming to us for Christmas)

Now she really is sulking and is cross with me, she is passive aggressively suggesting I am lying about dp having to work.

I know I should have said NO in the first place, but I was trying. Should I just go and risk having a panic attack on public transport with a three year old in tow? I have had loads this month, all linked to the after effects of life saving surgery and radiotherapy I suppose.

I always feel I should do what she asks as she was brilliant when I was in labour. She lived down the road at that point and got up in the middle of the night to take us to hospital as we couldn't get a taxi.

I assume she feels I don't hVe time for her, but I did, I had London "time", a couple of hours on a weekend for a cuppa, when she was half an hours journey away. But it wasn't ME that moved! And before anyone says it, she could have afforded to stay in London, but she would have had to work.

So, am I being unreasonable in saying no, I can't see you before Christmas. It's too difficult?

Honestly?

Tell her.

Tell her EXACTLY what you have just told us, put it in an email and send it.

I'm not usually one to suggest emails but if you put it in an email she will have no choice but to read it and absorb it.

I see nothing unreasonable about your post so if you tell her the truth and she still has a problem then I'm sorry but she IS the problem.

I have recently had an almost identical situation to this so I totally understand your concern and no, you are making total sense.

It's all well and good us being reasonable, we can be responsible for our actions, but not for everyone elses.

Good luck. x

Wow bublegum, thanks. It's funny, you think you are the only one these things are happening to.

I could do an email but am a bit frightened of blowing something up out of proportion. She is hard work and difficult to deal with but she has a good heart.

No problem :-)

I will say, I was honest and although we are still friends it is only in the vague FB sense. I told her how I felt and "I upset her".

So if you are determined to keep her friendship I can totally see why you want to tread carefully.

I don't think you are blowing things out of proportion, you are simply explaining yourself in an effort to be both understood and keep her frienship?
There's nothing wrong with that?

If you do this and she still throws a tantrum, then I think she is the one blowing things out of proportion.

I personally stopped running round in circles for people a few years ago, I had a life changing illness, it made me realise that I am my own priority, I will always do my best by others but I have to put myself and my family first and there is absolutely no reason why I should upset myself or make myself ill for someone else?

It sounds like you are a lovely person with a lot on your plate, be kind to yourself and do what's right for you, if she can't understand that then she is not a very good friend to YOU.

xx

Because she helped you out when you were in labour doesn't mean you owe her.

You have to put your health and your child first and if that means you can't see a friend then you both have to accept it.

I used to be the one that always did the travelling and it gets wearing after a while.

I also wanted to say,

What is it with friends who move miles away and expect us to run around after them, spend our money and mess our family dynamics/job up just to please them?

My attitude.. you moved away from your friends therefore you are the one who needs to visit, if anyone does visit when you've moved that's a bonus!

I wouldn't move 300 miles away like my friend did and expect all my mates to be dropping by every weekend?

But that's me.. I'm a bit mean like that. winks

I moved out of London to somewhere which is just over an hour away by direct train, hourly from a major station.

I still don't expect people to come and visit me - especially not in winter!

So YANBU at all :)

I can't understand this widespread desire/panic to do things before Christmas- (don't mean you OP)

In my life nothing much happens for 11 months and then in December I have a social life like someone from Hello magazine. This leaves me tired, broke and tubby.

What I would do us stay in touch with your friend( if you want) and plan for a meet up in spring when you are feeling better/ you have more cash/ the weather will be warmer and you can arrange for childcare,

On no accounts feel obligated. If she is a true friend she will enjoy planning to see you in a few months time.

Ha ha. I come from just outside london, moved to London about 15 years ago. I am always the one to go back to my home town and see people; I moved, they stayed put and are all together, so I do the majority of the visiting. That is fine with me. Aren't I FAB ;)

Yes, the life changing illness has made me realise I have limited internal resources and I need to use them wisely, just to get the housework done, get to work, all the daily stuff takes a lot out of me. Any spare time I do have has to be low key and easy these days

I know grace, I feel the same, Christmas is just one of the 365. I have said we will visit in the spring, so thanks for that, good idea x