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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel unhappy about my best friend going after my ex boyfriend..

91 replies

welshinexile · 09/12/2012 13:45

I will keep this brief- I had a very intense relationship with a man I felt very strongly about 13 years ago- it lasted about a year and I felt very strongly about him. We stayed in contact for a while but lost touch but he has recently re-appeared in my life & we have spoken on the phone. We get on well & were always good mates & I am glad he is there to chat to once in a while.

I have 2 DC's & have been with my partner for 12 years. There are issues but generally we are Ok I think although I have always wondered if it was a re-bound relationship as we got together 6 months after the ex. This ex reappearing has brought up a few old feelings.

What I am not dealing with is my best friend told me that she thought my ex was hot and would quite like to be with him and I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel sick. I couldnt bear it.

So what does this say about me? Am I jealous? Do I still have feelings? Its all rocked me and made me question stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to not want my best friend to have anything to do with my ex? There arent enough words to describe how much I would hate it!

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 09/12/2012 15:33

Wayne are you 16? Biscuit

atacareercrossroads · 09/12/2012 15:33

Maybe op could ask her ex of 13 years to avert his gaze from this temptress Hmm

ivanapoo · 09/12/2012 15:35

YABU. You need to focus on what you have.

In my circle of friends there's been a fair bit of overlap. I like to think because we're all reasonable people who generally stayed friendly with exes after splitting up.

One friend dated the best mate and the brother of the man she went on to marry - a man incidentally I'd dated a few years before.

Generally there's been at least a few years between these relationships which would naturally lessen any weirdness, but not always.

I would assume, given you are long term married and have kids with someone else, that you wouldn't care now who dated your ex partners.

So I wouldn't expect it even to occur to your friend that you might hate the idea.

I have a "one that got away" too - he's a great guy and we get on really well when we catch up. In fact I like him enough that I would want him to be happy and if he found that in a relationship with one of my close friends, good luck to them both.

Have you introduced this ex to your husband? Perhaps you should, if you want to stay friendly. If not I would just avoid contact for a while.

atacareercrossroads · 09/12/2012 15:36

Nah Wayne, I'm just all grown up ;)

WayneDeer · 09/12/2012 15:43

I don't think it's immature to expect grown women to have some level of respect for each other.
If the Op is uncomfortable and lets her friend know. The friend has clear knowledge that pursuing the ex will cause her some troubles
To do so would then show a lack of respect to the OP and their friendship

I would never date a friends ex as I have more options. I understand not everyone does. I am happy you can relabel these limitations

FestiveDigestive · 09/12/2012 15:46

I agree with wayne. It's not about the ex, it's about the friendship.

chrismissymoomoomee · 09/12/2012 16:08

A friend who tries to dictate who you can and can't see based on something that happened years ago and despite being married herself, isn't a friend worth having anyway.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/12/2012 16:12

Actually I don't think it's about the friend at all. It's all about the ex. OP feels there is unfinished business there,it's all about the fact she still wants him despite her long term relationship and two children with another man.

So friend or indeed any woman can't have him because OP wants to have her cake and eat it.

Do we know if the ex even slightly reciprocates these feelings or is just being friendly now he's back in the country and they have mutual friends?

BOFingSanta · 09/12/2012 16:23

You're very pleased with your pool metaphor, aren't you, Welsh? Xmas Grin

OP, you don't get to call shotgun after thirteen bloody years, how ridiculous! I agree though that the issue is how happy you are generally in your life. Why are you giving this man so much power?

WayneDeer · 09/12/2012 16:23

For me, I think men come and go but strong female relationships remain.

OP, If you can't explain your discomfort over a situation, have your feelings respected and listened to, well then I think you simply don't have a friendship.

There are lots of women who betray the trust and friendship of other women as soon as a man glances their way. Their what might become is worth more than the friendship they already have.
Personally I've always felt sorry for those women.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/12/2012 16:31

But men aren't coming and going...the OP is in a long term relationship with another man!

And I don't think my friendships are more important than my relationship with my DP actually. They are of course important,but not more important. I am choosing to spend my life with my DP not just be pals!

Aspiemum2 · 09/12/2012 16:41

I agree. My relationship with dh is my top priority and comes above anything else. Yes my friendships are important but my family is more so. As pp said, I intend to spend the rest of my life with dh.

Men come and go?? I might be doing it wrong but I've not got a revolving door here! One man + one women - works well for me thanks!

quoteunquote · 09/12/2012 17:30

So your very good friend fancy an available man who you know to be lovely, and you don't want them to see if there is a spark because you once had a relationship with him over a decade ago, and you are in a relationship that you want to continue? Anything I've misunderstood.

manger in dog the, rearrange

I would be careful about letting your friend know this, as usually friends want their friends to be happy.

AmberLeaf · 09/12/2012 17:32

It isn't something Id do and I wouldn't be over the moon if a close friend of mine got together with my ex.

If a friend of mine did date my ex, I probably wouldn't say anything though.

madas · 09/12/2012 17:36

Does your OH know you talk on the phone to this guy ?

Annakin31 · 09/12/2012 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LessMissAbs · 09/12/2012 17:47

YANBU OP, I'm with you. You might not have the right to dictate who your ex dates, but equally no-one has the right to dictate your feelings. You can't stop them dating, but you can choose how to deal with it, and personally I'd be bloody tempted to cut off contact with both of them, unless they were falling over themselves to placate me.

Its kind of happened to me, but worse - I was dating a guy I really liked and my best friend got off with him at my birthday party, he stopped contacting me and started going out with her. He has apologised multiple times and gone out of his way to be a friend since; she has never spoken to me again. So I know what competitive bitches women can turn into. Ironically he has tried it on several times with me since they both got married, and I rebuffed him. I doubt she'll ever thank me though.

I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention.

I find the views that your life should be over and you should become a Stepford Wife as soon as you have kids a bit unrealistic.

WhatDoesTheDogSay · 09/12/2012 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/12/2012 18:12

OP, YABU, anything you had was 13 years ago.

WayneDeer
?If you can't explain your discomfort over a situation, have your feelings respected and listened to, well then I think you simply don't have a friendship.?

So the friends feelings mean nothing? Very selfish of you.

LessMissAbs
"I think the ex sounds a bit of a ladiesman and a player, and likes attention."
Really? You get that from the OP?s first paragraph.

StickEmUp · 09/12/2012 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WayneDeer · 09/12/2012 18:42

The OP had a relationship with the man and rightly or wrongly has feelings she needs to work through surrounding him and the ending of their relationship

The OP has a friend who has said she thinks the ex is hot

Telling the friend she doesn't want her to try anything on with the ex isn't selfish. The friend doesn't have feelings for him. If she's a friend she will have respect for her friend, their friendship, her feelings and her wishes. If she doesn't the OP has lost nothing in her

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 09/12/2012 18:50

One of my very best friends slept with my ex, we had been split up about 4 months, and I wasn't with anyone else. It was a one off and mutual friends told me about it. I never said anything to her, even though it made me feel a tiny bit sick, we got back together about 2 years later and have been together 12 years now, I've spoke to him about it, in a jokey way, but never said anything to her, because I wouldn't want her to feel she betrayed me, she didn't! We were split up, they got together, briefly! Not my business.
Maybe it will help you to move on OP, you need to.

Megatron · 09/12/2012 18:59

Sorry but YABU. You are all adults and this is ancient history, though I accept that it may not be for you. My friend got together with my ex 15 years after we split up and although I found it slightly strange being in his company again, that quickly passed and it's fine.

We split up because we didn't want to be together and I want my friend to be happy. I have no 'dibs' on him and I'm afraid neither do you with your ex (I mean that kindly, not in a horrible way). Think of the things that are important to you, like your DH and your children, the rest really doesn't matter.

Softlysoftly · 09/12/2012 19:07

I just feel sorry for your DP, 12 years, 2 babies and you're not sure of he's a rebound Shock I would be utterly destroyed if I thought my DH felt that way about me.

Cut contact with X, don't try and keep a foot on the dock and one on the boat, it's utterly self indulgent and childish.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/12/2012 19:20

Unfortunately wayneDeer they are the OP's feelings and her issues, frankly its all very "teenage crush" and nothing to do with her friend.

If the OP's friend has a chance at a good relationship with this man then the OP (after 13 years) should be happy for her.